如果十年前有人告訴我有一天我能跑半程馬拉松，我一定不會相信。小學時，我是出了名的體力差，再加上先天性的扁平足，我永遠是全班跑最慢的，而且連八百公尺都跑不完。上了高中後，體適能要測一千公尺，一開始我完全不知道要怎麼辦。但是我最要好的朋友瑋婷是位飛毛腿，每年都在運動會代表我們班比四百公尺。（四百公尺據說是最難跑的距離，因為介於短跑衝刺跟長跑之間，對於速度和耐力的要求都很高。）所以她要比賽前的一兩個月，我們幾乎每天都會提早到校一起跑操場。（當然，以我的程度頂多只能陪她練耐力而已。）跑著跑著，我也能把一千公尺跑完了。當年我以為能跑一公里已經是我人生的極限了。
真正開始認真考慮跑步，是我在西北大學的第一個冬天。對於十八歲的我來說，那是一段十分艱苦的時光：酷寒、鄉愁、課業和人際關係的重重挑戰。我開始質疑自己出國留學的夢想，直到一天早上看到了爸爸寫給我的一封信。在信中，他用他以前在牛津慢跑的經驗來比喻我碰到的挫折，並用突破撞牆期後的成就感來鼓勵我。他也期許我在身陷困境時，「想一想妳的初衷，再把自己放到你期許的未來。」這封信是寒冬中一盞溫暖的燈，指引了我方向，讓我有勇氣擦乾眼淚、開闢了接下來三年半的燦爛輝煌。爸爸在信中對慢跑過程鉅細靡遺的描述，讓我好奇地想嘗試這項運動。對於天生不擅長跑步的我來說，這也是一次突破自我的契機。
於是在西北大學如詩如畫的校園裡，我開始一點一點地跑了起來。雖然芝加哥一年有一半的時間在下雪，能在戶外舒舒服服地跑步的時間十分有限，幾年下來，慢跑也成了一種習慣。一開始我只是沿著蔚藍的密西根湖畔跑一公里，跟高中差不多，有時候邊跑邊看著芝加哥著名的天際線， 還會幻想著自己是在西北大學的招牌桌曆或是明信片中跑步。後來距離漸漸拉長，可以繞著學校跑一圈。到了我要畢業前那個春天，我幾乎每個禮拜都會從我的宿舍跑到學校北郊的巴哈伊靈曦堂再跑回來。雖然我跑得慢，但是一路上碧波浩渺的密西根湖、迎風款擺的垂柳、安閑靜謐的郊區、以及雪白莊嚴的靈曦堂，都成了我的大學回憶中最美麗的景色。這一趟來回約六公里，已經遠遠超出了我高中時的水平，這時我又以為六公里是我人生的極限。
搬到四季如春的史丹佛之後，無論什麼時間都適合跑步，再加上學校幅員遼闊、地勢平坦、治安良好，對於才在暑假遭逢巨變又要適應新環境的我來說，跑步成了我生活中的一只鐵錨，即使外風雨交加，最後我的心都能安全地回到停泊的港灣中。我養成了每週跑步兩次的習慣，距離也慢慢地拉長，後來都是八公里、十公里的在跑。有時候遇到了困難或是心情鬱悶，出去在加州的陽光下跑一圈、出一身汗，彷彿所有的問題都解決了。此時我已經不再想十公里是不是我人生的極限了，因為從小學連八百公尺都跑不完，到現在能跑超過十倍的距離，我已經一次又一次地超越了自己。我只想要好好享受跑步的旅程，體會爸爸說的「整個過程，是慢跑者獨自一人的世界，看起來孤獨困苦，但其實每一趟都是一場新鮮的心靈之旅。」
我在研究所跑步的同時，爸爸媽媽在台灣也迷上了路跑。據我所知，他們以前也不是特別會跑步的人，但是他們買書看、學習調整跑步姿勢、買裝備、報名參加各項賽事。我2014年底回家時他們還不太跑步，我2015年底回家時已經追不上他們了。一年之內，爸爸跑了幾個半馬之後直接升級全馬，現在超馬對他來說也不是問題了。媽媽以前最討厭跑步，但是她開始認真練跑之後竟然發現自己意外地有天份。她參加的路跑雖然大多只是五到十公里，但是成績總是名列前茅。即使是她乳癌轉移後做標靶治療的前兩年，她依然在全台灣各地的路跑賽事大殺四方，我們家裡所有的路跑獎盃、獎品都是她的。雖然我沒有像他們一樣跑馬拉松、頻繁地參加賽事，但是我更喜歡跑步了，因為跑步讓我感覺跟爸爸媽媽的距離又更近了一些——雖然我大部分的時間不在他們身邊，但是我們在做一樣的事，我們的心是在一起的。2017年底回台灣時，我第一次（很可惜，也是最後一次）跟爸爸媽媽一起參加路跑賽事。我跟媽媽肩並肩跑到終點的相片，還有我們三個比賽前後的所有合照，都是我最珍貴的回憶。現在想想，那次回家或許是我記憶中最無憂無慮、最暢快舒心的一次了。
我雖然跑步跑了很多年，但是因為我跑不快，小時候又沒有參加過任何運動比賽，所以我從來沒有認真想過要跑賽事。除了2017年底跟爸爸媽媽一起參加的那場，我在史丹佛只跑過三次五公里的路跑，主要有兩個目的，一是要跟朋友們一起度過歡樂時光，二是要在我們打造的感恩節傳統：火雞鴨派對前，消耗一些熱量。這些賽事對我來說娛樂的成分居多，因為五公里對我來說是可以輕鬆跑完的距離，而對我來說更重要的是能和我摯愛的人們一起跑步。這次會想要跑半馬有兩個原因。第一是因為去年回台灣時，跟著爸爸去了三場戀上超馬的賽事。我的主要任務是跟拍和補給，過程中我深深地被爸爸、他的跑友們、還有補給團的熱情和活力感動了。參加賽事的哥哥姊姊們都很厲害，每個人都精力充沛，一邊跑步一邊吃吃喝喝、看風景照相，好不歡樂，我看了都希望我到了他們的年紀能有像他們一樣好的體力和精神。補給團的成員們也都很溫暖熱情，雖然我以前沒有參加過戀上超馬的活動，但是他們很快地張開雙臂歡迎我，讓我跟車、補給、收垃圾、做飯，毫無違和感。在司馬庫斯和鎮西堡的神木林，我揹著我的登山包和相機在泥濘崎嶇的山路中越野跟拍，雖然跑的距離不算長，但是卻是我回台灣一個多月以來第一次運動，也帶給我一陣溫暖的熟悉，就像剛搬到加州那年，那只帶給我安定和平靜的鐵錨。那時候我就在想，雖然我跑不了超馬，但是回美國之後，我是不是應該要更認真地跑步了呢？
第二個原因是因為爸爸告訴我，其實媽媽在那麼多路跑賽事中大有斬獲之後，2018年在爸爸的鼓勵下原本打算要升級開始跑半馬了，可惜三月時標靶藥物似乎失效，她的健康狀況急轉直下，後來開始做起了化療，身體更是日益虛弱，再也沒有辦法跟著爸爸一起跑步，也沒有機會跑半馬了。去年在台灣，處理完媽媽的後事之後我做了很多事：幫媽媽看完了她看到一半的書、自己去逛了我們說好要一起逛的商店、跟爸爸一起去吃他們曾經說過要一起去卻沒去成的餐廳……。當我得知她曾經想跑半馬時，我就特別特別希望能幫她跑一個半馬，即使我跑得沒有她快，我也不確定我究竟跑不跑得完這麼長的距離。
十二月初回到美國後，我下飛機回到家的第一件事，在行李都還沒打開前，就是換上球鞋先去外面跑了五公里。跑著跑著我哭了，但是微涼的晚風漸漸地將我的淚水吹乾了。我又開始了一週跑步兩次的習慣，只是我換了路線。以前我每週兩次都會跑相似的路線，約八到十公里之間，有幾個陡坡。現在我改成一天長跑，從八公里開始，每週多跑一兩公里，另一天拉著Steven帶我做距離較短的速度訓練。除了為半馬做準備之外，也希望能嘗試一些不同的跑步方式，並繼續和我摯愛的人一起跑步。十二月底當我的長跑跑到十五、六公里時，我報名了我這輩子第一個半馬。我雖然還是跑不快，但是我知道我跑得完。有媽媽陪著我，我一定跑得完。
因為疫情的關係，灣區所有還在進行的賽事都改成雲端了。在一定的時間範圍內，我可以選擇自己的路線、在自己方便的時間完成賽事，再上傳成績。在跟過幾場爸爸的超馬之後，我發現路跑賽事其實可以很簡單，不需要紀念T也不需要起跑點的大拱門。而我這次在自家附近跑半馬，更是連晶片、號碼牌、補給、甚至是跑友都免了，只需要專注於跑步的過程。而今天，灣區在經歷了一個禮拜的大氣河流之後，雨終於停了，我也開始了我這輩子第一次的半程馬拉松。一開始的兩三公里我其實滿緊張的，因為早晨的絲絲寒氣，也因為我以前從來沒有跑過這麼長的距離。但是大約七八公里之後我就跑開了，後來基本上是一路勻速跑完全程。每公里七分二十七秒對專業的跑者來說或許很慢，但是對我來說卻是很舒服的速度，我只需要偶爾注意一下跑步姿勢，其他大部分時間不是在放空，就是在想著那些曾經跟我一起跑步的人。就像爸爸說的，整趟路程都是我一個人的世界，但我卻沒有感到半點孤獨困苦，因為我想到了在天上看著我的媽媽、努力打拼的爸爸和曉彤、這幾個禮拜一直督促著我練習的 Steven 、還有從高中、大學到研究所，所有陪著我、讓我越跑越遠的朋友。雖然他們現在不在我身邊，但是他們卻好像都陪著我跑完了全程。當我跑過終點線的那一瞬間，或許是陽光眩花了我的雙眼，恍惚中我彷彿回到了2017年的最後一天，我和媽媽肩並肩地在我們唯一一次一起參加的賽事中跑到了終點。
我跑完了我這輩子第一個半馬，達成了一個小小的人生里程碑。雖然我還在慢慢療傷，但是感覺我已經走回了一條能讓自己變得越來越好、越來越強壯的路上。休息幾天之後，我應該要為自己設立下一個目標：或許我可以提升速度；或許我可以把半馬變成我每週練跑的標準距離；又或許，那個以前連八百公尺都跑不完的小姑娘有一天真的可以跑完一個馬拉松。
If ten years ago someone had told me I could run a half marathon one day, I would never have believed it. I have flat feet, and I was known for being physically unfit when I was a kid. Therefore, I was always the slowest runner in my class in elementary school, and I could not even finish running half a mile. In high school, we had to run one kilometer as part of our physical fitness exam, and I didn’t know how I would ever do that. Thankfully, my best friend is a fast runner and competed in the 400m race every year. Out of all the races we had, 400m is the most challenging distance because it is between a sprint and a long-distance race, and the runners must have fast speed as well as strong endurance. Therefore, I would always go to school early to run with her one or two months leading up to her race. (Of course, given how slow I was, I could only train for endurance with her.) After running with her for a while, I could eventually finish running a kilometer. Back then I thought one kilometer was the furthest I could ever run in my life.
The first time I seriously considered running (more precisely, jogging) was during my first winter at Northwestern. It was a very difficult quarter for me: the brutal Chicago winter, my endless homesick, challenging schoolwork, and broken interpersonal relationships. I started to question my dreams to study abroad, until one day I received a letter from Dad. In his letter, he compared what I was going through to his jogging experience at Oxford. He encouraged me with the “second wind” after pushing through the painful period leading up to it. He also reminded me to “think of my original goals, and then put myself into the future that I pictured.” This letter was a warm light that guided me in the dark, cold winter. It gave me the courage to wipe away my tears and build a splendid college life for myself in the following 3 and a half years. Dad’s detailed description of jogging made me want to try it out. Although I was not born to be a runner, this could be an opportunity for me to break through my limits.
I started to jog on the beautiful Northwestern campus. Although it was too cold to run outside in Evanston half of the time during the year, jogging around campus eventually became a habit. At first, I would jog along the sapphire Lake Michigan for a kilometer, just like high school. Sometimes when I saw the iconic Chicago skyline on my run, I had the illusion that I was running in a scenic postcard or calendar that Northwestern would send to the incoming freshmen. Then I started to extend my jogging distance, from just along the Lake to a full lap around campus. By the spring before I graduated, I would run from my dorm to the Baha’i Temple up in Wilmette every week. Although I still ran slowly, the breathtaking sceneries along my way – the vast, blue Lake Michigan, the weeping willows dancing elegantly with the wind, the quiet, peaceful Chicago suburb, and the solemn, majestic Baha’i Temple – were among my most beautiful memories from college. The route was about three and a half miles, which far exceeded how long I could run in high school. At that time, I thought three and a half miles was the longest I could ever run.
After I moved to Stanford, it was nice enough to run outside all year round, and the campus was huge, flat, and safe. I just went through some major adversity over the summer before I moved and had to adapt to a brand-new environment. Therefore, jogging, as something I felt familiar with, became an anchor in my life. No matter how stormy it was outside, jogging anchored my heart and brought me peace. I started to run twice a week and further extended my distance. Eventually I could run five to six miles during each workout. Sometimes when I encountered hardship or felt upset, jogging in the California sunshine and getting sweaty would always lift my spirits. At this point, I stopped thinking whether six miles was the furthest I could possibly run. In elementary school I could not finish running half a mile; now I could run for over ten times more. I have already pushed past my limits over and over again, and I just wanted to enjoy the journey and truly understand what Dad said about jogging, “The whole process belongs to the jogger alone. It might seem solitary, since no one can help him or share his pain while he is jogging, but every trip, in fact, is an amazing journey within.”
While I was jogging at Stanford, my parents also got obsessed with jogging in Taiwan. As far as I know, neither of them used to be good at running. However, they bought books about jogging, learned how to adjust their postures, purchased equipment, and signed up for all kinds of races in Taiwan. When I went home at the end of 2014, they were just starting and I could outrun them easily. By the time I went home in December 2015, I could not keep up with them. Within a year, my dad ran a few half marathons and started to run full marathons. Now he only runs ultramarathons. My mom used to hate running, but much to her surprise, she was actually really good at it after she started to run with my dad. While she didn’t run as far as my dad (she usually ran the 5 to 10km races), she was always one of the fastest runners in her age group. Even after she was diagnosed with metathesized cancer, during the first two years when she was going through targeted therapy, she was winning awards in races all over the place. Our living room was filled with her trophies and medals. Although I did not participate in races like my parents did, but I grew fonder and fonder of jogging because it made me feel closer to my parents. Although I have been spending most of my time in a foreign country, we were doing the same thing and our hearts were together. When I went back home in December 2017, I participated in a race with my parents for the first time. (Unfortunately, it was also the last time.) The photo of me and my mom crossing the finish line together, and all the pictures we took before and after the race are all among my most cherished memories. Now that I think about it, it was perhaps my happiest, most carefree trip home since I moved to the US.
Although I have been jogging for years, I never thought seriously about running in a race because I am slow, and I never participated in any kind of athletic meets growing up. Other than the race I ran with my parents in 2017, I have only run three times in Race Against PH at Stanford. It was a 5km race and mostly just for fun. 5km is a distance that I could easily finish, and all I wanted to do was to run with my beloved friends and burn some calories before our beloved Thanksgiving tradition – the Turducken. This time, there are two reasons that made me decide to run a half marathon. The first one is because I went to three of my dad’s ultramarathons when I went back home last year and I was truly inspired. My main tasks were taking photos and helping set up the refreshment stations. During this process, I was deeply moved by my dad, his running mates, and all the other volunteers. Everyone was very friendly and energetic. All runners were radiating energy – they would stop by the food stands along the way, take a lot of photos, and make the whole race a fun, jolly journey. I really wish I could have their energy and high spirits by the time I am their age. The other volunteers were all very warm and friendly, too. Although I never participated in their events before, they welcomed me with open arms and I was working with them setting up the refreshment stations, cooking, and cleaning up in no time. In the ancient forests of Smangus and Cinsbu, I followed the runners and took photos for them on the windy, steep mountain trails in the rain, carrying my large daypack. Although the distance I ran wasn’t that long, it was the first time I worked out in a month since I went back to Taiwan. It brought me warmth and a sense of familiarity, just like that anchor that brought me peace when I first moved to Stanford. After the races, I started to think even though I could not run an ultramarathon, perhaps I should jog harder.
The second reason was because my dad told me that after having done so well in the shorter races, my mom was going to start running half marathons in 2018 with his encouragement. Unfortunately, her targeted therapy failed in March, and her conditions worsened rapidly. She started to do chemotherapy again in June, and she got weaker and weaker after that. She could no longer run with my dad, not to mention a half marathon. When I went back to Taiwan last year, I did a lot of things on my own after my mom’s funeral: I finished reading the book that she was half way through, I shopped at the stores that we said we were going to go together, I went and ate at the restaurant that my dad said he would go with my mom but never had a chance to…etc. When I learned that she once wanted to run a half marathon, I desperately wanted to run one for her, even though I don’t run nearly as fast as she did, and I was not sure if I could actually run for that long.
When I got back to the US early December, the first thing I did after I got home, even before I unpacked, was to put on my sneakers and go for a run. At some point during the run I broke into tears, but the evening breeze dried them slowly and gently. I started to run twice a week again, but with new routes. I used to run very similar routes twice over the weekend, anywhere between five to six miles with a few steep slopes. Now I run longer distance one day – starting from five miles and adding a mile every week, and the other day I ask Steve to do some speed drills with me. I want to train for a half marathon, try out some different ways of running, and continue to run with the people I love. When I was able to run ten miles by the end of December, I signed up to run a half marathon for the very first time in my life. Although I am still slow, I know I can finish it, and my mom will be with me.
All races in the Bay Area are now virtual due to COVID-19, which means I can pick my own route, run at my own convenience, and then upload my results during a given timeframe. After I went to a few of my dad’s ultramarathons, I realized that races can be very simple – things like t-shirts and a big arch at the starting point are not necessary. Since this time I was just running a half marathon around my neighborhood, I didn’t even need a chip, bib, refreshment, or even running mates – I could just focus on the run itself. Today the rain finally stopped in the Bay Area after a week of atmospheric river, and I embarked on my first half marathon. I was actually a bit nervous during the first two miles because it was chilly in the morning, and it was my first time running for this long. I think I hit my second wind around four or five miles, and I pretty much kept a constant pace until the very end. Eleven minutes and fifty-five seconds per mile is probably pretty slow for most serious runners, but it is a comfortable pace for me. Occasionally I had to remind myself to keep good posture, but most of the time I either let my mind go idle, or thought about my loved ones who once ran with me. I was running alone, but I did not feel lonely – I thought of my mom, my dad, my brother, Steven, and everyone who has helped me go further and further in high school, college, and grad school. Although they were not beside me, it felt as if they kept me company throughout the whole race. When I ran pass the finish line, the dazzling sunlight put me into a light trance — I felt as if it was the last day of 2017, when my mom and I crossed the finish line side by side in the only race that we ran together.
I finished my first half marathon and achieved a small milestone in my life. Although I am still healing slowly, I feel like I am back on a path that will continue to make be a better and stronger person. I will rest for a few days, and then I should start setting my next goal. Perhaps I can try to run faster; perhaps I can make half marathon the default distance I run weekly; or perhaps the girl who couldn’t even run half a mile in elementary school can run a full marathon one day.
