離開阿姆斯特丹後，我前往倫敦進行為期三天的出差。我從沒想過，自從我1993年搬回臺灣後，第一次再回到英國，竟然會是以工作的形式。
雖然我對英國已經沒有任何記憶，但是從小到大，英國在我心中一直有著特殊的地位。我是爸爸媽媽在英國唸研究所時出生的。回到臺灣後，家中的生活處處充滿著爸爸媽媽留英的痕跡——從家裡的擺設、衣物、餐具，到他們對我和弟弟的教育。在英國出生這一點讓我小小的虛榮心總是感到與眾不同。更重要的是，我看見爸爸媽媽憑藉著自己的努力，從臺灣的眷村和農村一路走到全世界最頂尖的牛津大學拿到博士學位。他們給了我比他們小時候更為優渥的成長條件，所以我沒有理由不跟他們一樣優秀。我小時候的夢想就是追隨他們的腳步，長大以後也去牛津唸書。高中時，無名小棧風行，我開的部落格就叫「夢幻尖塔」（牛津的暱稱），藉此提醒自己無論何時何地，都要努力朝著我心目中的尖塔前進。雖然我最後去了美國，研究所也沒像爸爸媽媽一樣去牛津，但是一路走來，我希望我的表現沒有讓爸爸媽媽失望，而他們年輕時的經歷和我對英國的嚮往，一直是很重要的動力。
這次去倫敦前，我的心情有些忐忑。從高中畢業至今，我經歷了許多風浪，我不知道當我終於再次踏上英國的土地時，會有什麼感受。因為只有短短三天，白天又要工作，我也不知道我究竟有多少時間探索倫敦。結果沒想到我一進城就被洶湧的情緒淹沒了。
我從希斯洛機場搭火車到了倫敦的柏靈頓，下車一抬頭就看見了一家 Sainsbury’s。我馬上想到了媽媽過世的那一年，我們每週視訊時，我總是纏著她講她成長的故事，好為提供寫作素材。（後來這些文章在她的告別式時被出版成冊，陪伴著我們紀念她的一生。）我記得她曾經說過，她和爸爸在牛津一邊唸書一邊照顧我很辛苦，但是週末推著我的娃娃車，全家一起去市中心逛一逛、去 Sainsbury’s 買買菜，還是很幸福的。我站在柏靈頓熙來攘往的車站大廳裡，拖著兩個行李箱，盯著眼前的 Sainsbury’s，費了好大的勁才沒有當場在車站放聲大哭。
第一天下班後，我從柏靈頓走到了海德公園，再走到騎士橋的哈洛德百貨（全世界最大的百貨公司之一，爸爸叫我一定要去看看），都是爸爸媽媽在倫敦曾經去過的地方。我真切無比地感受到我正走在他們曾經走過的路上。我可能正踩在一塊他們曾經踏過的石板磚上，或等著他們曾經一起等過的紅綠燈。我忍不住在腦海中想像，他們第一次抱著我來倫敦和2004年故地重游時的模樣，有好幾個瞬間，我感到他們好像真的在我身邊。一路上，淚水一直在我的眼眶中打轉，到了哈洛德百貨，我終究還是沒有忍住。爸爸媽媽2004年去英國時，在哈洛德買了一些紀念品，其中有個黃色小熊的購物袋被我帶到了美國，一開始用來裝我的棉被和枕頭，後來就都捨不得用了。這麼多年後，我終於一個人來到了他們一起買下這個小熊購物袋的地方。
回旅館後，我不斷地回想著我們曾經約好以後要全家四個人一起去英國玩，而這個願望卻再也不可能實現了。好在第二天在辦公室的工作十分忙碌，一整天充滿了各式各樣的會議，中間幾乎沒有休息，所以雖然我的情緒像個隨時會爆炸的壓力球，外在的高強度工作終於和內在的情緒壓力達成平衡。在辦公室裡，我還是一副平時活力四射的樣子，下班和同事們小酌幾杯後，我打卡似的去了一圈爸爸媽媽曾經向我提過的景點：倫敦塔、倫敦塔橋、大笨鐘、西敏宮（英國國會大廈），和他們並沒有見過的倫敦眼，然後回到了旅館盡情宣洩了一番。
第三天，我特意準時下班，因為晚上我要去西區的女王陛下劇院看《歌劇魅影》。來倫敦之前，我在《歌劇魅影》和《悲慘世界》之間糾結許久，因為兩部音樂劇我同樣喜歡。《歌劇魅影》我在紐約百老匯和台北看過了兩次，《悲慘世界》我只在芝加哥看過一次。最後決定看《歌劇魅影》，是因為爸爸媽媽在2004年曾經一起在同一家劇院看過這部音樂劇。那應該是爸爸媽媽第一次看現場的音樂劇，對舞台的表現力大為震撼。他們回臺灣後，不遺餘力地向我和弟弟推薦《歌劇魅影》，我也是從那時候開始愛上了音樂劇。從2004年起，我們買了無數版本的《歌劇魅影》、無數版本的《悲慘世界》、無數安德魯‧洛伊‧韋伯的精選輯（他的每一齣音樂劇，我都至少會一兩首歌）。《歌劇魅影》和《悲慘世界》兩部音樂劇，我更是熟到現場表演若是有稍微唱錯詞或走音我都聽得出來。
來美國之後，我終於也有了機會聽現場。雖然大學時經濟十分拮据，但我窮盡一切方法都要去看我最喜歡的音樂劇。2010年《悲慘世界》到芝加哥巡演，在節衣縮食了一整個學季之後，我買到了劇院一樓的座位。2012年，我趁著麻省理工學院的化學所參訪、校方包吃包住的機會，從麻州偷偷跑到了紐約百老匯看了《歌劇魅影》。（這次因為有麻省理工幫忙分擔經濟壓力，我的座位更靠前了。）兩次我都在觀眾席中哭得不能自已。這次在倫敦西區，我已經過了為了買票要靠吃泡麵度日的階段，但是因為不像爸爸媽媽有高人指點，我沒搶到第一排正中間的票。我在他們斜後方八排的地方，一邊欣賞著熟悉的表演，一邊想像著他們十八年前在同一家劇院看同一齣音樂劇的樣子，我感覺自己離他們更近了。
這次的倫敦之旅所帶給我的情緒衝擊遠比我想像中的大很多。因為時間短暫，我只見到了很小一部分的倫敦，也沒有機會造訪牛津。（這或許是一件好事。以我這三天的表現看來，要不是因為有工作壓著，說不定我突然就繃不住在眾目睽睽之下情緒崩潰了。）希望以後能有機會和家人一起來英國。雖然媽媽不在了，我還是希望有一天我們能實現一起去英國的願望，一起在她曾經走過的路上懷念她。
After our trip to Amsterdam, I went to London for work for three days. I never thought that after my family moved back to Taiwan from the UK in 1993, the next time I visited the UK would be in the form of business travel.
Although I barely have any memory of the UK, growing up, the UK has always had a special place in my heart. I was born in the UK when my parents were pursuing their D. Phil. at the University of Oxford. After we moved back to Taiwan, our lives are filled with traces of my parents’ time in the UK — from our decor, clothes, and tableware at home, to how they educated me and my brother. Being born in the UK has always made me feel a little special. Most importantly, it is extremely inspiring for me to see my parents go from small villages in Taiwan to getting their D. Phil. from one of the best universities in the world through their own hard work. They were able to provide me with a lot more than what they had when they were growing up, so I have no excuse to not be as exceptional as they are. Growing up, I have always dreamed to follow their footsteps and study at Oxford. When I was in high school, blogging was popular. I named my blog “The City of Dreaming Spires” (Oxford’s nickname) so that I could remind myself to keep working hard towards the spires of my dream. Although I ended up going to the US and never made it to Oxford, I feel like I have accomplished enough along the way to make my parents proud. Their experience in the UK has always been an important driver for everything I do.
I was a little nervous before I went to London. I have gone through so much in the past decade, and I had no idea how I would feel when I finally set my foot on the English soil again. My trip was only three days and I had to work during the day, so I wasn’t even sure how much time I had to explore the city of London. It turned out that I was immediately overwhelmed by emotions the moment I stepped into London.
After I landed in Heathrow, I took the Heathrow Express from the airport to Paddington. When I got off the train, I saw a Sainsbury’s. I immediately thought of the year when my mom passed away, I always asked her to tell me stories of her life and growth whenever we video chatted over the weekend. (Originally, I was just looking for materials to write about. We ended up publishing these articles I wrote about her life for her funeral so that all those who love her can remember her spirits.) I remember she once mentioned that it was not easy for her and my dad to do their doctoral research while taking care of me, but they still felt happy and satisfied when they rolled my stroller to downtown, and shopped for groceries at Sainsbury’s together as a family on weekends. I stood at the busy concourse of the Paddington station with two suitcases, staring at the Sainsbury’s in front of me. I almost couldn’t hold my tears back.
After my first day of work, I walked from Paddington to Hyde Park, and then to Harrods in Knightsbridge (one of the biggest department stores in the world — my dad recommended that I check it out). These are all places that my parents went when they were in London. During my journey, I truly felt that I was walking on the path they were once on. I might have stepped on a cobblestone they once stepped on, or waited for a traffic light that they once waited for. I couldn’t help but try to picture what it was like when they first took me to London when I was a baby, and when they visited London again in 2004. There were several moments when I felt like they were by my side. I had tears in my eyes as I walked, and when I finally arrived at Harrods, I couldn’t hold them back anymore. When my parents visited London in 2004, they bought some souvenirs at Harrods. There was a yellow shopping bag with Harrods bears that I brought to the US. Initially I used it to carry my pillows and blanket, and eventually I don’t have the heart to use it anymore. After so many years, I finally came the the place where they bought the yellow shopping bag together on my own.
After I went back to the hotel, I thought of how my family talked about wanting to visit the UK together — all four of us. However, it is no longer possible. Thankfully, work was super busy the following day. I had back-to-back meetings all day and barely had any time to rest during the day. Therefore, although I felt like my turbulent emotions could implode anytime, the high-level external stress at work was able to balance it out. When I was in the office, I was still the energetic and positive person that I always am. After I grabbed a few drinks with my colleagues after work, I rushed through a number of attractions that my parents used to talk to me about: the Tower of London, the Tower Bridge, Big Ben, The Palace of Westminster, and London Eye, which they have actually never seen before. And then I went back to the hotel and let myself cry my heart out.
On my third day, I made sure to get off work on time because I was going to see “The Phantom of the Opera” at Her Majesty’s Theatre in West End. Before coming to London, I was trying to decide on which musical I should see with the limited amount of time I had. I was torn between “The Phantom of the Opera” and “Les Misérables” because I like them both just as much. I saw “The Phantom of the Opera” live twice, once on Broadway in New York and once in Taipei, and “Les Misérables” once in Chicago. I ended up deciding on “The Phantom of the Opera” because my parents saw the same musical in the same theater in 2004. I believe that was the first time they saw a live musical performance, and they were extremely impressed with the experience. After they came back to Taiwan, they played the music so much at home. That was when I also fell in love with musicals. Since 2004, we bought numerous versions of “The Phantom of the Opera,” numerous versions of “Les Misérables,” and numerous Andrew Lloyd Webber’s selections (I know at least a few songs in every single one of his musicals). It has gotten to a point where I am so familiar with “The Phantom of the Opera” and “Les Misérables” that I can tell if an actor or actress sings a wrong word during the performance.
After I came to the US, I finally had the chance to see live musical performances. Although I was financially constrained in college, I did everything I could to see my favorite musicals. “Les Misérables” was on tour in Chicago in 2010. After being frugal and cutting all possible expenses for a quarter, I saved up enough to buy a ticket on the first floor of the theater. In 2012, I went on a grad school visit to MIT. Since MIT funded all my travel expenses, I sneaked from Massachusetts to Broadway in New York City to see “The Phantom of the Opera.” (This time MIT paid for most of my expenses, so I was able to get an even better seat.) Both times I was so touched that I couldn’t help but burst into tears in the audience. This time in West End, I am far beyond the days when I had to eat instant noodles to save money for tickets, but since I didn’t have tips from an expert like my parents did, I wasn’t able to get a seat in the middle of the first row. I ended up sitting eight rows behind them, watching the show while imaging what it was like for them to watch the same musical in the same theater eighteen years ago. I felt like I got even closer to them.
My trip to London was much more emotionally overwhelming than I originally thought. Since I only had three evenings, I only saw a small part of London, and I didn’t have a chance to visit Oxford. (Perhaps this is a good thing. Had it not been work that kept me busy when I was in London, I might have had several breakdowns in front of everyone.) I hope one day I will have the opportunity to visit the UK with my family. Although my mom left, I still wish that one day we can realize our wish to go to the UK together, and think of her together on the paths she once walked on.