人生是一奮鬥的戰場 到處充滿了血滴和火光 不要做一甘受宰割的牛羊 在戰鬥中 要精神煥發 要步伐昂揚 —— 亨利・朗法羅
很難想像，距離媽媽離開已經兩個禮拜了。今年中秋節的隔天，媽媽因為化療藥物的嚴重副作用進了急診住院。住院期間，媽媽的情況時好時壞，她卻依然堅強樂觀，相信自己能像前幾次住院一樣逐漸痊癒，並回到工作崗位上。
美西時間十月十九號禮拜一早晨，我起床時看見一通來自爸爸的未接來電，和一封杭醫師的簡訊，叫我有空就回台灣。我心中升起了一股不祥的預感，趕忙打了一通電話給爸爸，得知媽媽的病情急速惡化，醫生已經決定放棄治療，媽媽可能還有一個月的時間，希望我儘快回台灣。
我身邊的世界「轟！」一聲地崩塌了，我墜入了無邊的黑暗中，被巨大的哀慟吞沒。我立刻忍住情緒著手安排回台灣的事宜：改機票、通知公司的主管、安排我回台灣時的工作接替…等等。此時的我彷彿分裂成了兩個人格，第一個人格以我平常的俐落和效率打電話、寫電郵，確保我能在最短的時間內回到媽媽身邊，第二個人格則是茫然無助、哀痛欲絕，吃力地試圖消化著這個晴天霹靂的消息。
因為新冠肺炎的影響，從舊金山飛台北的班機一週只有三班，我錯過了週一凌晨的班機，下一班飛機要等到週四凌晨，加上台灣的檢疫規定，我最快也要等到台灣時間週六晚上才能見到媽媽。我對於要花這麼久的時間才能看到媽媽感到無比焦急懊喪，但是我想起了媽媽告訴我的「遇到了事情，就得想辦法扛下來」，所以我決定接下來幾天，我要打起精神把工作的事情交待完，不要害同事們因為我突然離開而陷入棘手的局面，也讓爸爸媽媽不用為我操心。同時，我也要把台灣居家檢疫申請外出的流程安排好，讓我能順利地以最快的速度進醫院看媽媽，好好地把這件事扛下來。
等到我把所有事情處理得差不多時，維繫著我第一個人格的力量也「啪！」一聲碎裂了，剩下的只有第二個人格的惶惑、恐懼和哀傷。我一個人在家辦公，突然感到無比孤獨，亟需找人說說話，所以我撥了在荷蘭的好友的電話，接通的那一瞬間，我還來不及說一個字，就是一陣撕心裂肺的大哭。
接下來的五天是我人生中最漫長的五天。上飛機前，我並沒有請假，依然照常工作，因為我需要一些事情分散我的注意力。我常常向爸爸詢問媽媽的狀況，看著媽媽的病情急遽惡化、喪失了語言能力、意識日漸模糊、呼吸逐漸困難、多重器官衰竭，我彷彿在跟時間進行一場絕望的賽跑，我的意志力也一點一滴地崩解。我彷彿在幾天內把一輩子的眼淚都流乾了，工作之外的所有時間，是無止盡的情緒崩潰和徹骨的疼痛，還有前所未有的恐懼——我害怕失去她，更怕輸了這場跟時間的賽跑，讓媽媽抱憾而終，我也會終身悔恨。
好不容易上了飛機回到台灣、採檢等結果，等到週六晚上終於可以出門時，我知道媽媽還在努力著，但是病況已經非常危急。我原本害怕我見到她之後又會忍不住崩潰，在她最後的時光給她增加負擔，但是當我踏入病房的那一刻，媽媽從床上坐起來，用沙啞的聲音喊我「曉蝶！」時，我焦慮恐懼了快一個禮拜的心突然就平靜下來了。從小到大，媽媽一直是我力量的泉源，即使她病骨支離地逐漸邁向生命的終點，她依然不斷地給我力量，讓我克服我的傷痛，也讓我有勇氣面對我的恐懼。
過去幾天來，媽媽為了等我回家苦苦支撐著，忍受著巨大的痛苦，也努力保持著意識的澄明。在我被允許探病的兩個小時，我握著媽媽的手，和媽媽說了許多這幾天在我心頭盤桓的話，她偶爾會艱難地回應一些簡短的字句，但是我知道她都聽見了，因為我在她澄澈的雙眼中清清楚楚地看見了自己的倒影。我心疼她受的苦楚、不捨她的即將離去、害怕沒有她的未來，但是所有負面情緒的躁動都在看到她的那一刻安靜下來了，一來是因為終於見了面，我們兩個都沒有遺憾了，二來是因為我們都看到了結果，既然結果無法改變，那我們「就得想辦法扛下來。」
當天晚上，弟弟下班後半夜從台北趕了回來，隔天一早我們一起到醫院，我們全家四個人終於聚在了一起。我們全家人一起握著手，感到媽媽的生命一點一滴地在流逝，我感到心如刀剜，但是也格外珍惜這些最後的時光。自從我出國、弟弟畢業開始工作後，我們四個人聚再一起的機會少之又少，但是我們很幸運，能在媽媽臨終前，讓她再享受一次全家在一起的時光。
我的探病時間結束後，媽媽中止了所有的治療。大約十個小時之後，媽媽在爸爸的陪伴和誦經聲中脫離了病痛的折磨。當我看到爸爸的簡訊時，我的心情異常平靜，或許是因為我已經慢慢接受了結果，也或許是因為我感恩媽媽終於脫離了摧殘她多年的絕症，可以好好休息了。我的腦海中都是她的聲音笑貌，都是我們一起度過的歡樂時光。我想，一個人離開以後，留給身邊的人最重要的資產，大概就是他的精神和典範吧！雖然媽媽走得早，但是她已經留給我一輩子受用不盡的遺澤——
媽媽最常告訴我的一句話就是：「事情發生了，就得想辦法扛下來。」媽媽的離開，對我們全家是一個沉重又突然的打擊，但是逝者已矣，我們必須一起把這件事情扛下來。我相信媽媽一定希望我們全家都要繼續好好地生活，不要因此一蹶不振。因此，傷痛過後，我們都要帶著對媽媽的思念，像媽媽一樣堅強地儘快讓生活恢復正常，繼續追求自己人生的目標，讓自己過得精彩又充實。我相信這是我們懷念媽媽最好的方式，也是我身為女兒，從今以後孝順她最好的方式。
除此之外，媽媽大約五年前被診斷出乳癌轉移到肺肋膜時，所有醫學證據都說明這是不治之症，存活的時間大約只有一年多。任何人突然像這樣被宣判了死刑，一定是震驚、不甘又傷痛的。但是媽媽並沒有因此而自暴自棄、浪擲光陰；相反地，她勇敢地面對病魔的挑戰、積極地嘗試各種治療、堅強地讓自己的每一分每一秒都活得精彩。過去五年，媽媽在事業上迭創高峰，成為讓朋友同事都敬重的領導者。頭幾年，她也繼續在全台灣各地的馬拉松過關斬將，直到她沒有辦法跑為止。除此之外，她更是努力不懈地拓展她的生活圈：大量的閱讀、全台走透透、支持爸爸和弟弟的事業、去美國看我、持續在生活中所有的小地方發現新知和樂趣……她向我示範了碰到生命中巨大的挑戰時，該如何樂觀積極地面對，該如何精神煥發、步伐昂揚。即使這個挑戰看似無法克服，也要勇敢戰勝自己的恐懼，讓自己的每一分每一秒都活得有意義。雖然她在塵世間只逗留了五十五年，但是她生命的深度和廣度卻遠遠超越了時間的尺度。
今生今世，我都會記得那些一遍又一遍地迴盪在過去將近三十年、無窮無盡的笑聲。傷痛過後，我會帶著媽媽的堅強勇敢扛下生命中所有的挑戰，我會像媽媽一樣積極樂觀地讓自己的生活過得精彩充實，我也會像媽媽生前支持著全家人一樣，繼續支持著爸爸和弟弟，讓她永遠沒有煩惱和牽掛。雖然媽媽離開了，但是我相信她會永遠在我身邊守護著我、給我力量、看著我達成人生的各個里程碑，我也會繼續努力實踐她的精神，讓所有人可以透過我看見她，也讓她的典範永遠活在我們心中。
In the world’s broad field of battle, In the bivouac of Life, Be not like dumb, driven cattle! Be a hero in the strife! -- A Psalm of Life, Henry Wadworth Longfellow
I found it hard to believe that it has already been two weeks since my mom left. The day after Moon Festival, she was hospitalized due to severe side effects from her chemotherapy. Her condition was very unstable, but she stayed optimistic and believed that she could recover and return to work, just like previous times.
On October 19th (Monday) morning Pacific time, I woke up to a miss call from my dad, and a text from Dr. Hang asking me to go back to Taiwan whenever possible. Ominous dark clouds started to gather in my heart, so I called my dad back immediately. Dad told me my mom’s condition has worsened very rapidly. The doctors gave up on curative care, and they thought she might have about a month left.
The world around me suddenly collapsed. I fell into endless darkness, and was engulfed by tremendous sorrow. I immediately started to make plans to go back to Taiwan: changing my flight, notifying my manager and HR, arranging work coverage while I am away…etc. It was as if I split into two personalities: the first one continued to make phone calls and write emails with my usual efficiency to make sure that I could get back to my mom as quickly as possible; the second one was helpless, scared and distraught, trying hard to digest this bolt from the blue.
Unfortunately, because of COVID-19, now there are only three (reliable) direct flights from SFO to TPE every week. I had already missed the one that departed on Monday morning, and the next flight wasn’t until Thursday morning. Due to the quarantine requirements in Taiwan, the earliest I could possibly go to the hospital to see my mom was Saturday night. I was extremely anxious and upset that it would take this long, but then I thought of what my mom often told me, “If you encounter a challenge, you have to figure out how to deal with it.” Therefore, I decided that in the next few days, I would keep it together and make sure my colleagues know what to do while I am away. This way my parents would not have to worry about me, either. I also navigated complicated regulations so that I could get tested for COVID in Taiwan and take two hours off from my quarantine on Saturday and Sunday to see my mom. I made sure everything went as seamlessly as possible given the difficult circumstances, and this was how I dealt with the challenge in front of me.
After I had everything in place on Monday morning, my first strong and efficient personality collapsed. All was left was the helplessness, fear, and sadness from my second personality. I was working from home by myself, and all of a sudden felt extremely lonely. I had to talk to someone, so I called one of my best friends in Amsterdam. When she picked up, I burst into a steam of heartbreaking sobbing before I could even say a word.
The next five days were the longest five days in my life. I didn’t take any time off from work before I boarded my flight because I needed something to distract myself. I checked with my dad frequently on my mom’s situation, and I was devastated when I learned about her rapid deterioration. She reached a new negative “milestone” almost every twelve hours: losing the ability to speak, losing consciousness, having to try very hard to breathe, multiple organ failures…etc. I felt like I was hopelessly racing against time, and my willpower was disintegrating little by little with every minute passing by. I seemed to have shed my lifetime worth of tears in just a few days. Whenever I was not working, I was in constant meltdowns, endless piercing pain, and unprecedented fear – I was scared to lose her; even more so, I was scared to lose my race against time, because I know both my mom and I would regret forever.
After a few days of breakdowns and devastation, I finally made it on the plane back to Taiwan. After I landed, I got tested as planned and got my results back in time. When I could finally step out of quarantine on Saturday night, I knew my mom was still trying very hard to stay, but her condition was already very critical. I was worried that I might break down again when I see here, burdening her even more during her last moments in the mortal world. However, when I saw her sitting up from her bed, calling my name with her hoarse voice as I stepped into her ward, my heart suddenly calmed down after weeks of anxiety and fear. In my entire life, my mom has always been my source of strength. Even when she was weak and slowly moving towards the end of her life, she continued to give me strength to overcome my sorrow and courage to face my fear.
In the past few days, my mom bore tremendous pain to maintain her consciousness so that she could wait for me to come home. During my allocated two hours in the hospital, I held her hands and told her what I planned to say to her in the past week. She occasionally nodded and responded with a few words with great difficulty, but I knew she heard and understood everything, because when I looked into her clean, bright eyes, I saw my reflection clearly. I felt sorry for her suffering, reluctant for her to leave, and scared for a future without her. Yet all my restless negative emotions quieted down when I saw her. Perhaps it was because we finally saw each other, and we knew we wouldn’t have any regrets; perhaps it was because we could both see the ending. Since we could not change the ending, the only way forward is to “figure out how to deal with it.”
That day, my brother came down from Taipei at midnight after work. The next morning, I drove us to the hospital. Our family was finally together. The four of us held each other’s hands, and I could feel my mom’s life was leaving her little by little. My heart was shattered into millions of pieces, but I was extremely grateful for these last moments together. Since I went to the US in 2009 and my brother left for college in 2012, the four of us did not have many opportunities to all be in the same place. Thankfully, we were fortunate enough to have some time together as a family before my mom had to go.
After my allocated visiting time was up, my mom terminated all of her treatments. About ten hours later, she was free from all pain and illness with my dad by her side. When I saw my dad’s text, I was unusually calm. Perhaps it was because I had been slowly accepting the ending; perhaps it was because I was thankful that my mom could finally be free from the terminal illness that had ravaged her for years. I couldn’t stop thinking about her voice, her smile, her face, and all the beautiful memories we had together. I think once a person leaves the mortal world, the most precious assets they can leave behind are perhaps their spirits and their role model. Although my mom left way too early, she already left me with a lifetime worth of legacy –
My mom often said to me, “If you encounter a challenge, you have to figure out how to deal with it.” Her departure is an unexpected and heavy blow to all of us, but since it has already happened, our family must figure out how to deal with it together. I believe my mom wants to see all of us move on with our lives in a positive, optimistic manner instead of immersing ourselves in sadness indefinitely. Therefore, after we grieve, we should get our lives back on track, continue to pursue our goals, and make sure we live every moment to the fullest. I believe this is the best way to remember my mom, and the best way for me to be filial to her as her daughter.
In addition, when my mom found out her cancer metastasized about five years ago, all medical evidence showed that it was incurable, and she probably only had a little over a year left. Anyone who is suddenly sentenced to death like this must have felt very shocked, unfair, and desperate. I guess my mom must have felt the same, but she did not go into self-destruction mode or waste her time. On the contrary, she rose up and face her illness with great courage. She proactively tried out different treatments and made sure she lived every moment of her life to the fullest. In the past five years, she continued to achieve great success in her career, and is a well-respected leader among her colleagues and friends. She continued to run in races all over Taiwan while she could and won many awards. In addition, she made the best of her time: she read a lot, traveled around Taiwan with my dad, supported my dad and my brother’s businesses, visited me in the US, and continued to find joy in every little place in life. She showed me how to be a hero in the strife in the world’s broad field of battle. Even though she had to face seemingly insurmountable challenges, she showed me how to conquer fear and live a meaningful life in spite of the hardship. Although she only spent fifty-five years in the mortal world, the depth and breadth of her life way exceeded the scale of time.
All throughout my life, I will always remember all the laughter that keeps ringing again, again, and again in the past thirty years. I will continue to rise up to all challenges in my life with my mom’s strength and courage; I will live every moment of my life to the fullest just like what she did; I will continue to support my dad and my brother so that she will have nothing to worry about. Although my mom left, I believe she will always be with me, give me strength, and watch me achieve all the milestones in my life. I will continue to live up to her spirits so that people can see her through me, and her role model can live in our hearts forever.