今年五月是媽媽離開後我的第一個母親節，為了避免觸景傷情，也為了躲避社群媒體上鋪天蓋地的貼文和祝福，我選擇關掉電腦、手機，去優勝美地露營，暫時阻隔自己和外面那個正在慶祝母親節的世界。現在想想還真有點不好意思——以前我碰到橫亙在眼前的困境時，大多時候都是義無反顧地迎頭直上，這次卻狼狽地躲到荒郊野外，害怕觸動內心深處敏感的傷痛。（唯一能自我安慰的就是至少出門露營算是回歸正常生活的一部分，總比躲在家裡蒙頭大哭好多了。）
這是我第三次去優勝美地，但是前兩次都是為了爬半穹頂：超過25公里的山路、一兩千公尺的海拔、五千多英尺的爬升、十到十二小時的攀登，總是讓我在下山之後全身脫力，回到營地吃飽飯後倒頭就睡。隔天一早必定渾身肌肉痠疼，連開車時踩煞車都很吃力，所以從來沒有機會領略除了半穹頂沿途景色之外的風光。（半穹頂上的風景是極為震人心魄的，頗有「登泰山而小天下」的味道，但是偌大一個國家公園，如果只看得見一部分的美景，不免可惜。）這次特意避開了半穹頂，就是希望能踩著悠閒的步伐，探索優勝美地其他名滿天下的美景，也讓我日後對優勝美地的回憶不僅限於「半穹頂」和「累得半死」。
第一天都花在了優勝美地山谷裡，我們從營地出發，走過了遊客中心、優勝美地上下兩段瀑布、酋長岩、教堂岩、哨兵圓丘、小教堂、白紗瀑布……基本上所有叫得出名字的景點都看到了。我第一次完完全全地沉浸在優勝美地巍峨壯闊的冰河谷之中，一路上舉目所及都是高聳雄奇的花崗岩壁，即使在松林茂密處，透過松針的間隙，我依然看得見花崗岩丘居高臨下地俯視著我們，沉默而莊嚴。在動輒幾千英尺的花崗岩峭壁的環抱之中，我第一次如此深刻的體會到「鬼斧神工」的意思——要打造出這麼壯麗的奇景，或許只有鬼神的巨斧和工藝才能辦得到吧？ 雖然我身為一個科學家，對冰河蝕刻、風化、沉積等等地理現象略有了解，但是在優勝美地山谷裡我卻滿腦子鬼神，或許潛意識裡我很難將眼前磅礴壯闊的景色和人類有限的知識連結在一起吧？
這是我第一次看見優勝美地的上下兩段瀑布，也是傳說中北美洲高度落差最大的瀑布。之前來爬半穹頂時，曾經連上 Vernal Falls 和 Nevada Falls ，對這兩座瀑布的印象就是美則美矣，但我只想趕快把瀑布邊彷彿無窮無盡的階梯爬完。而且前兩次來時，優勝美地已邁入秋季的枯水期，所有的瀑布都已經開始乾涸，所以我對這座國家公園內的瀑布印象並不深刻。這次適逢春季融雪，一進營地就聽得見遠處傳來隆隆的水聲，等到見到了瀑布，那真的是飛泉濺玉、氣吞山河。我想到了李白《望廬山瀑布》中的「飛流直下三千尺，疑似銀河落九天。」我沒有見過廬山瀑布，不知和優勝美地瀑布相比如何，但是我相信若是我們「筆落驚風雨，詩成泣鬼神」的謫仙在此，一定能對著優勝美地瀑布寫出另一段千古絕唱。
第二天我們去了著名的隧道觀景點和冰河點，從不同的角度飽覽優勝美地冰河谷的風光。從冰河點，我能清清楚楚地看見前兩次登半穹頂時我們走的路線，從谷底的停車場、兩道瀑布、小優勝美地谷地，再到每一級階梯都有膝蓋高的 Subdome。雖然我看不見最後一百公尺的鋼纜，但是我知道它們就在半穹頂的另一側。從遠處輕鬆地欣賞這條曾經令我筋疲力竭的路線別有一番趣味，也勾起了許多和朋友們攻頂時的美好回憶，比方說第一次才剛上 Vernal Falls 就覺得自己氣數已盡、在 Nevada Falls 我們一群人對著一隻尖叫的松鼠瞠目結舌、我在鋼纜上扯著嗓門向大家交代遺言，還有登頂後大家在上面不小心一睡就是一個小時。因為疫情的關係，我和許多朋友們已經一年多沒見面，但是看著我們曾經一起走過的路，回味著我們曾經一起揮灑過的汗水和青春，感覺他們似乎依然在我身邊。
開車回家的路上，我覺得我這趟旅行的目的都達到了：我整個週末都沒開手機、沒有什麼過激的情緒，還更深入地認識了優勝美地國家公園。我們或許常常感嘆人生無常，但是世界的運行卻有其規律，不會被我們眼中天大的「無常」影響。不論發生什麼事，第二天太陽依舊會照常升起；在優勝美地，瀑布依然會按照季節的更迭而枯榮交替，堅硬的花崗岩峭壁也依然會按照既有的速率風化著。或許我心中石棱一般的傷痛也會隨著時間而慢慢風化，或許有一天我又能正常地過母親節。
Last weekend was my first Mother’s Day since my mom passed away. I decided to turn off my phone and go camping at Yosemite to avoid the overwhelming posts on social media, as well as any possible emotional triggers. I wanted to block myself off from the world that was celebrating Mother’s Day out there. In hindsight, it seems a bit embarrassing – when I encounter a challenge, I usually go head-on against it without hesitation. This was one of the few times when I hid my head in the sand and escaped to the wilderness, fearing anything that might touch the most sensitive wounds deep down in my heart. (The only thing to comfort myself with is that at least camping is part of returning to my normal life. Running away and doing something wholesome is still better than crying at home alone.)
This is my third time visiting Yosemite, and my first time not hiking Half Dome. In my previous two visits, over 16 miles of trails, several thousand feet of altitude, over 5000 feet of elevation gain, and 10-12 hours of hiking always drained me completely at the end of the day. After we got back to our campsite, I pretty much fell asleep right away after dinner. The next morning, I would be sore all over the place – even braking while driving was difficult, not to mention walking around and explore more of Yosemite. Therefore, I never got to see much of Yosemite other than the sceneries along the Half Dome trail. (Don’t get me wrong – the view on top of Half Dome is absolutely breathtaking and majestic. It made me feel like I was on the top of the world, but Yosemite has so much to offer and it is a pity to not take full advantage of it.) This time we intentionally planned to not hike Half Dome so that we could explore the rest of Yosemite at a more leisure pace. This way my impression on Yosemite will no longer be limited to “Half Dome” and “I almost died.”
Steve 身後的哨兵圓丘（左）我身後的半穹頂（右上）酋長岩（右下）| Sentinel Dome behind Steve (left); Half Dome behind me (upper right); El Capitan (upper left)
We spent our first day in Yosemite Valley. We started from our campsite and walked by the Visitor Center, Upper and Lower Yosemite Falls, El Capitan, Cathedral Rock and the Spires, Sentinel Dome, Yosemite Chapel, Bridalveil Fall…etc. – basically every attraction one can find in a tour book for Yosemite Valley. This was my first time fully immersing myself in the grand glacial valley at Yosemite. No matter where I looked, I saw giant granite cliffs towering into the sky. Even in the midst of the dense pine forest, I could see the granite domes overlooking us silently and solemnly between the pine needles. Surrounded by these majestic granite cliffs, I finally started to truly understand the term “ghost’s axe and god’s workmanship (a Chinese idiom)” – perhaps only the great axes and craftsmanship of ghosts or gods are capable of creating such magnificent wonders. As a scientist, I have some understanding of glacial erosion, deposition, and weathering, yet my mind was filled with ghosts, gods, and supernatural power when I was in Yosemite Valley. Perhaps subconsciously, it was too difficult for me to connect the unbelievably awe-inspiring scenery to humankind’s limited knowledge.
This was also my first time seeing the Upper and Lower Yosemite Falls, the tallest waterfalls in North America. When we hiked Half Dome in the past, we had to hike up Vernal Falls and Nevada Falls on the other side of the valley. I thought these two waterfalls were beautiful, but all I wanted to do when I saw them was to finish climbing the seemingly endless steps by them as quickly as I can. I was also here during the dry season for my previous visits, so all the waterfalls were drying out. Therefore, I did not have much impression of the waterfalls in Yosemite. This time I came in the spring when the snow was melting. The moment I entered our campground, I could hear the waterfalls rumbling from afar. When I finally walked up to the Lower Yosemite Falls, it was thundering and pounding the rocks with so much power. The splashes formed a light mist that blocked the rising heat in the valley. I thought of Li Bai’s poem Admiring the Waterfall at Mt. Lu, “Straight down three thousand feet the white spraying torrent runs. Could this be the Milky Way descending from the Ninth Heaven?” I have not seen the waterfall at Mt. Lu and don’t know how it compares to the Yosemite Falls, but I am pretty sure if our Banished Immortal, whose “brush arouses wind and rain, and poems can make ghosts and gods weep,” were here, he would have written another beautiful poem that will be chanted for generations to come.
On the second day, we went to the renowned Tunnel View and Glacier Point so that we could see Yosemite Valley from different angles. From Glacier Point, I could clearly see the route we took when we summited Half Dome – from the parking lot at the bottom of the valley, the two waterfalls, Little Yosemite Valley, to the subdome with knee-height steps carved into the granite. Although I could not see the cables, I knew they were on the other side of Half Dome. It was a lot of fun looking at this strenuous route from afar with ease. It also brought back some of my most cherished memories with my friends when we hiked together – how I already thought it was the end of me when we just passed Vernal Falls the first time, how we were dumbfounded by a screaming squirrel at Nevada Falls (we all thought it was a bird at first), how I yelled my will to my friends on the cables, and our hour-long naps on top of Half Dome. I have not seen many of my friends in person for almost a year and half due to the pandemic, but when I looked at the path we once hiked together and thought of the wonderful moments we spent with each other, it was as if they were still here with me.
On our way home, I thought I accomplished all my goals for this trip: my phone was off for the whole weekend, I wasn’t overly emotional on Mother’s Day, and I got to see and learn more about Yosemite. We often lament that life is full of uncertainties, but the world operates at a certain pace with certain rules that will not be affected by any amount of “uncertainties” in our lives, no matter how big or overwhelming they seem to be. No matter what happens to us, the sun will always rise the next day. At Yosemite, the waterfalls will continue to cycle between wet and dry with the seasons, and the towering granite domes will continue to weather at their own rate. Perhaps the spikes of grief in my heart will also weather slowly over time; perhaps one day Mother’s Day will feel “normal” again.