小孩子從小就應該要胸懷大志、勇敢做夢。長大了之後為了屈就現實，夢想會越變越小。如果你小時候有遠大的夢想，即使它慢慢隨著時間變小了，你的格局還是會比其他人都大。
這是前一陣子爸爸告訴我的一段話。過去這幾週，為了要替我的網站建立完整的內容，我好好整理了高中時寫的網誌和出國後寫的文章。藉著這個機緣，我重溫了自己從十五歲到現在的心境變化和成長，這才驚覺，爸爸從來沒有盯過我的成績或管我以後要做什麼，但是從小到大，他都用潛移默化的方式教我做遠大的夢，然後勇敢築夢。
高中時，我的夢想是出國讀書、是背著行囊去看廣袤的世界、是讓自己在最廣闊的藍天閃耀著最璀璨的光芒。雖然因此度過了非常難熬的兩年，放棄了許多同學們追逐的競賽機會、承受著巨大的不確定性，也沒少遭班導的白眼，但是幸運的是，我的爸爸媽媽支持我（這大概是為什麼我每次跟班導為了我的未來意見相左而起衝突時，我依然能底氣十足吧！）。我也碰到了瑋婷和阿KI兩位摯友，即使我們對未來的願景不盡相同，我們卻總是一起勾勒著未來的藍圖，鼓勵著彼此努力朝各自的夢想邁進。我的夢想更是像一把熊熊燃燒的火炬，在黑暗中替我照亮方向。最後我的夢想成真了，我在十八歲生日的當天飛到地球的另一端，準備開始一段新的冒險。當我第一次站在西北大學校園中，看見密西根湖上的風帆點點、白鷗展翅，我覺得我的胸懷就如眼前無垠無涯的密西根湖般浩瀚廣大。
大學時，我的眼界大大拓展，有幸接觸到在學術界、商場、藝文領域……等等各行各業的成功人士。雖然具體的「下一步」不像高中時那麼顯而易見，但是我碰到的這些菁英們形塑了我這個階段的夢想：不論我主修什麼，我都要成為一個有正面影響力的人，用自己的力量為身邊的世界作出貢獻。「為天地立心，為生民立命，為往聖繼絕學，為萬世開太平。」我花了許多時間摸索，才確立了追求夢想的下一步是進入頂尖的研究所：我要在自己的領域裡精益求精、成為頂尖人才，也要在研究所裡多多充實學術以外的能力。確立了目標之後，生活中碰到的問題，諸如文化的衝擊、苦寒的天氣、隱性的歧視……等等，都變得次要。於是除了課堂和研究專題外，我更致力於教育和科學推廣，也爭取到在生技公司實習的機會，力求讓自己能吸引研究所招生委員的目光。我申請了十所美國和英國最頂尖的化學所，被其中的九所錄取，除了劍橋之外，每一所都給了我全額獎學金。最後我選擇了史丹佛大學，因為這所學校似乎最能幫助我達成成為全方位將才的夢想。
上了研究所後，夢想似乎比大學時更模糊了。一開始我的確照著大學時訂下的目標努力：我加入了一個聲望卓著的實驗室，做研究之餘，也積極參與各式各樣的課外活動，培養學術研究以外的能力。但是我也遭遇了前所未有的挫敗，我發現了許多我眼中「成功人士」背後的各種殘忍醜惡、道德淪喪，於是我開始懷疑我的夢想：如果外人眼中所謂「成功」靠的是毫無道德底線地傷害、利用他人，這完全背離我從小到大接受的教育，我是不是應該重新界定「成功」？為了讓自己的夢想回到正軌，我放棄了一些和我的價值觀不合的課外活動，也經歷了痛苦萬分的轉組，差一點放棄了我的博士學位。這對我來說是一個重要的學習過程：我反思了自己對「成功」的定義，也思考除了事業之外，我生命中最重要的價值和人事物。我還對自己的夢想做了一些修正——我依然要讓自己成為領域的頂尖、依然要發揮正面的影響力，但更重要的是，我要堅持本心、做正確的事、交和我價值觀相近的朋友，「仰不愧於天，俯不怍於地。」
開始找工作時，我終於感受到爸爸所說的「長大了之後為了屈就現實，夢想會越變越小。」雖然我心中還是有夢想，但是一到了就業市場，除非自己有財力、有資源可以創業，不然社會新鮮人的選擇其實還是有限。而且我有了更現實的考量：簽證、薪資福利、工作地點……等等，我已不再是高中那個夢想擺第一、其他事都靠邊站的女孩了。除了感嘆殘酷的現實壓縮了我的空間，我也慶幸高中時曾經有那種不顧一切的衝勁和勇氣，因為真的就像爸爸說的，人越長越大，夢想就會越變越小。後來會選擇商業顧問當作畢業後的第一份工作，除了現實的考量之外，也是因為在所有的選擇中，這個領域最貼近我的夢想：我有機會持續學習、拓展我的人脈，也能利用自己的能力在實驗室以外發揮影響力。轉換跑道並不輕鬆，但是這麼多年來，我已經習慣了為了追夢而努力付出的過程了。
如今我已經工作快兩年了，我的夢想似乎又更進一步地縮小成職場上我雙眼所及的考績、升遷、加薪，當然，還有成家、存錢、買房……等等一般剛出社會的人會有的目標。這些目標佔據了幾乎所有的時間，我也無時無刻地為這些目標努力著。但是同時，我在職場上卻又找不到那種為一件事傾盡心頭熱血的動力——或許此時，「目標」和「夢想」已經慢慢分離了。在職場緊湊的步調和生活的柴米油鹽中，我曾經迷茫徬徨、曾經感到力不從心、懷才不遇，有好長一段時間，我的的視野中只有現實生活的目標，我似乎忘了「夢想」，也遺落了追夢時的的那種奮不顧身的熱血和衝勁。
現在，藉著整理網站的機緣，我仔細思索究竟是什麼能燃起我心底的激情。經歷了十幾年的風浪，我的重心已經從外人眼中的「事業」轉移到我摯愛的人們，還有能讓我成長、心靈感到充實的事物——我希望我最關心的家人、朋友們能時時感受到我滿滿的愛，即使我並不一定在他們身邊；我希望能和研究所的露營幫一起走遍全世界的名山大川；我希望能培養一輩子的興趣，並且不斷進步。事業的成功對我來說固然重要，但是真正激勵我的，卻我心底深處的夢想。職場上的成就和穩定的經濟，是為了要讓我有資源和餘裕能達成這些夢想。認清了這樣的心態後，我確保工作之餘，我保留足夠的時間和精力追求我的夢想，我也發現職場上碰到的各種煩心事，在夢想面前都變得雲淡風輕。過去十幾年，我的夢想經歷了許多次轉變，不變的是那股卯足了勁追夢的動力，和追夢的過程帶給我的快樂和充實。未來的人生路漫漫，我相信我的夢想會繼續隨著年齡而改變，但是無論如何，我都要當一輩子的熱血追夢人。
As a kid, you should dream big because when you grow up, your dreams will shrink as reality hits. If you have big dreams as a kid, even if your dreams shrink as you get older, you will still have greater visions than others.
Dad
As I built up my website in the past few weeks, I have been going through my high school blogs and articles I wrote since I left Taiwan. Through my writings, I saw how I have grown since I was 15. All of a sudden, I realized that although my dad never forced me to study or told me what I should do, he has been spending his entire life teaching me how to dream big and encouraging me to pursue my big dreams.
In high school, my dreams were to study abroad for college, to see the whole wide world with my very eyes, and to shine like a star and light up the world around me. To pursue my dreams, I struggled very hard for two years trying to balance my regular school work, my commitment to the Honor Guard, and all the extra work I had to do in preparation for US college admission. I gave up opportunities to participate in prestigious competitions, bore the huge risk of nothing working out at the end, and withstood my homeroom teacher’s disapproval and contempt. Fortunately, my parents supported me – perhaps this was why I could still be confident whenever I had conflicts with my teacher about my future path. My best friends, A KI and Wei-Ting, were also incredibly supportive. Although we had different visions, we painted our future together and encouraged one another to strive towards our dreams. Mostly importantly, my dreams were like a flaming torch, lighting up my way in the dark. By the end, my dreams came true. On my 18th birthday, I flew to the other side of the Earth, getting ready for another adventure. When I first set foot on Northwestern’s campus, seeing the white sails sprinkled on Lake Michigan and the gulls spreading their wings, I felt like my heart was as vast as the boundless Great Lake in front of me.
At Northwestern, I greatly broadened my horizons. I got to meet successful people in various fields, such as academia, business, performing arts…etc. Although my exact “next step” was not as obvious as I was in high school, the people I met shaped my dream: no matter what I majored in, I wanted to have positive influence and use my talents to contribute to the world around me. It took me a while to figure out the next step to pursue my dream is to attend a top graduate school: I wanted to be the top in my field as well as develop well-rounded skillsets beyond academic research. Once I set my goal, all other challenges in my life, such as cultural shock, the brutal Chicago winters, subtle discriminations against me…etc. became secondary. In addition to classes and research, I devoted myself to science outreach and secured an internship at Amgen — I wanted my graduate school application to stand out. I applied to 10 top chemistry programs in the US and UK and got admitted to 9 of them. All of them gave me a full scholarship except for Cambridge. I ended up at Stanford because Stanford appeared to be the place that could help me realize my dream of becoming a top expert and an all-rounder.
At Stanford, my dreams seemed to become even vaguer compared to college. At first, I worked hard towards the goals I set up for myself: I joined a prestigious lab, and I proactively participated in a wide range of extracurricular activities to develop skills outside of research. However, I suffered unprecedented setbacks. I discovered what was behind some of those who appeared to be “successful” and “accomplished” – cruelty, greed, and unethical behaviors. I started to doubt my dreams: if it takes exploiting others and yielding my integrity to “succeed,” should I redefine what “success” means to me? In order to stand firmly by my principles, I gave up some extracurricular activities that did not align with my values. I also went through an incredibly desperate process to switch my research groups, which almost costed my PhD degree. This was a very painful yet important learning experience for me: I reflected on what “success” meant to me, and what values and things are important to me other than my career. I also course-corrected my dreams – I still wanted to be the top in my field and have positive influence, but most importantly, I wanted to follow my heart, do the right thing, and stick with the right group of friends. I must never compromise on my principles and integrity.
When I started to look for a job, I finally started to see what my dad meant by “your dreams will shrink as reality hits.” As a newly minted graduate, unless one has the funding and resources to start one’s own business, there really were not that many types of entry-level positions. In addition, I had more practical concerns, such as visas, salary, and benefits, location, working environments…etc. I was no longer that high school girl who could see nothing but her dreams. I lamented how the cruel reality limited what I could do, but I was glad that I once dreamed big and had the courage to pursue my big dreams. If I hadn’t done that when I was younger, I might never have the chance to do so. I ended up going into management consulting after I graduated. In addition to practical considerations, this field seems to be the closest to my dreams out of all my options – I will have the opportunity to continue to learn, expand my network, and leverage my skills outside of my lab to make positive impacts. Switching career tracks from chemistry research to management consulting was not easy, but throughout the years, I have gotten used to giving my all for my dreams.
Now I have been working for almost two years. My dreams seemed to further shrink into what is within my sight: career reviews, promotions, raises, as well as common goals for young professionals, such as building a family, saving, buying a house…etc. These goals took up almost all my time, and I have been working hard towards these goals consistently. However, I could not find something I could pour all my heart and soul into – perhaps at this stage, my “dreams” and “goals” are diverging from each other. In my fast-paced workplace, I once felt lost, frustrated, powerless, and constrained. There was a while where I could see my practical goals, but I have lost my dreams. Along with my dreams, I have also lost the aspiration, passion, and motivation I once had when I was pursuing my dreams.
Now, I am taking this opportunity to think through what exactly sparks my passion deep down. After over 10 years of ups and downs, my focus has shifted from what others see as my “career” to those who I love the most, as well as things that help me grow and feel fulfilled. I want my family and friends who I care about the most can always feel my love even when I am not close by; I want to see the coolest places around the world with my Camping Crew; I want to cultivate hobbies that can keep me company for the rest of my life and continue to improve on them. Having a successful career is important to me, but my dreams are what really drives me – I want to achieve success in the workplace and financial security so that I can have the time and resources to realize my dreams. In other words, I work to live, not live to work. Once I have this mindset, I made sure to carve out enough time and energy to pursue my dreams outside of work. I also noticed that in front of my dreams, many annoying things at work no longer bother me as much, and I have been able to handle these things with more patience and maturity. In the past ten years or so, my dreams have shifted several times, but my motivation to pursue my dreams, as well as the happiness and sense of fulfillment I gained from this process, never changed. I still have a long way ahead of me, and I am sure my dreams will continue to change with time, but I will continue to be the same passionate dream chaser for the rest of my life.