08/08/2021——我在最美的年華，遇見了最好的人，我們又牽著手，一起成為了更好的人。
二十幾歲以前，我幾乎從未想過自己長大以後結婚時的模樣：小學時懵懵懂懂；國中時一門心思全都撲在唸書考第一上；高中唸女校，每天家裡和學校兩點一線，三年下來認識的男生大概一隻手數得出來；大學時拼了命地要在異鄉出人頭地、讓每一分學費都物超所值，趕著在四年內唸完雙主修和碩士、做研究、兼職當舍監賺食宿，還有一大堆課外活動，連睡覺的時間都不夠，更不用說交男朋友了。再加上自認不出眾的外貌和在美國身為外國人的彆扭，我就這樣一直單身到了二十三歲。平心而論，我很享受單身時的自由瀟灑，充實的生活也讓我幾乎未曾覺得孤單。我很少在腦海中勾勒未來的另一半可能的模樣，就算偶爾想到，也都是些很模糊的「條件」，比方說要才華洋溢得令我心折，至於什麼樣的才華、讓我怎麼的心折法，我從來沒細想過。（現在想想，預先設立太多條件似乎也沒什麼意義，因為到頭來能互相尊重、每天相處起來舒服自在最重要。）
剛搬來加州時，我沒有想過要改變我的感情狀態，但是我逐漸褪去了身為外國人的彆扭、找到了最美麗的自己。以前我一直自認為是那種靠著才華彌補外貌的人，搬來加州之後，我愛上了登山、露營、攀岩和各種戶外活動，我漸漸開始擁抱自己身體的健康和活力，不再糾結於符合大眾的審美標準，再加上持續適應美國的生活和文化，我活得越來越明亮自信。研一的暑假，我在朋友組織的登山活動中認識了 Steve，我們成了朋友。在我警告他我開車技術有多差勁後，他依然熱心地教我開車，讓我在第四次路考後終於拿到了駕照（中間各種驚險意外此處不一一細表）。我研二的春季，我們開始交往，因為我之前的感情經歷一片空白，從小又不看電視沒機會學習男女相處的眉眉角角，一開始鬧了不少笑話（我堅稱是因為文化差異）。即便如此，我們依然平平安安地攜手走過六個多年頭。2019年九月，我們決定一起邁入人生下一個階段，當時我們相處已然親密如家人，所以訂婚對我們來說是再也自然不過的事。
2019年底，我們開始興奮地籌備原本預定於2020年夏天的婚禮，但是我們當時不知道婚禮的籌備過程會如此一波三折。2020年初新冠肺炎襲捲全球，我們五月時決定將婚禮推遲一年，十月、十一月我們的母親相繼去世，我們有兩個月的時間分隔兩地，我被怒濤般的哀慟吞沒，失魂落魄了許久，直到今年初才好不容易找回了一點兒生活的節奏。疫情帶來的不確定性讓我們到了五月才決定不管以任何形式，八月婚禮依然照辦，因為生活不能因為疫情而完全停滯不前——婚禮不會是我們原本想像中的樣子，我們也必須做出許多調整，但是在能保護好自己和大家的前提下，生命一定要繼續向前行。國際間的旅行禁令導致我在台灣的家人和在歐洲、亞洲的好友都無法前來參加，再加上我時常想到天人永隔的媽媽（2019年我們剛剛開始籌劃時，我幾乎所有事都會鉅細靡遺地跟她分享，所以現在看到那些我跟她分享過的資料夾、我們一起看過的照片，特別容易觸景傷情），我在策劃婚禮的執行細節上幾乎喪失了所有的動力。雖然我一向很喜觀籌辦大型活動、行動力滿滿，能嫁給我最好的朋友也讓我充滿著幸福與喜悅，但是自從五月以來，我一想到媽媽就彷彿石化了一般，很難繼續進行任何籌備，都是靠著供應商們和鼎力支持我的朋友們推著我走，提醒我什麼時候該做什麼。現在想想，或許缺憾才是人生的常態，而我到了快三十歲才開始深刻地體會箇中滋味，未嘗不算是一種幸運，因為這大概代表我之前的人生都算是圓滿的吧？能和 Steve 一起挺過這些困境也是一種幸運——如果我們能一起面對、解決這麼多問題，以後還有什麼困難是我們克服不了的呢？
雖然婚禮本身有一些遺憾，但是我對我的婚姻卻只有滿滿的幸福與感激——因為我們許多在美國的親朋好友參加了我們的婚禮，也因為一路上有許多關愛我們的人給予我們不間斷的支持，無論他們最後有沒有辦法來參加婚禮。我們最要好的一位朋友是我們的證婚人、爸爸帶著小鸚鵡們和全家人的愛為我們唱了蘇芮的《牽手》、一起露營的朋友們跨越三個不同的時區為我們彈唱了一首我們以前在營火邊最愛唱的 Every Time we Touch（其中有一段是在大庭廣眾之下用阿姆斯特丹中央火車站裡的鋼琴彈的）、我的合唱團為我們獻唱了十分應景的 Best Day of My Life（唱得太好了以至於於攝影師差點把我們忘了，哈哈！）、我大學的朋友們從美國各州飛來灣區跟我們重聚、研究所的朋友們帶動了整場婚禮的氣氛，還有無法到場的親友們捎來的祝福。最重要的是我嫁給了我最要好的朋友、最了解我的人、和我配合得最好的隊友。我們一起達成了許多人生里程碑、慶祝彼此的成功、支持彼此各自和共同的夢向。身為一個缺乏浪漫細胞的人，能一起讀書、寫論文、畢業，一起找到工作、進入職場、升職加薪，一起存第一桶金買房、打造一個家，就是最浪漫的事了。從小到大，我總覺得不論是在學校還是職場，把手邊的工作做好是我的本分，爸爸媽媽給了我非常多的愛和支持，所以以前我達成的每一個里程碑，比方說國中全校第一名、考上中女數資、申請上西北和史丹佛、贏得的每一場競賽每一個獎項，我都覺得是我應該做的。我會和爸爸媽媽分享喜悅，因為我希望他們開心，但是我從來沒覺得我自己應該怎麼樣或得到什麼獎勵。認識 Steve 之後，他幫助我了解到雖然我總是覺得自己的成就是因為幸運和他人的支持，但是我自己的努力和付出也同樣值得被肯定。我從來不把別人的美好當作理所當然，所以我也不應該把自己身上的閃光點當成理所當然。所以我們在達成各自里程碑的時候會一起吃飯、一起慶祝、一起出去玩，我們去了很多我自己沒想過去的地方探險、做了很多我自己不敢做的事情，這讓我的世界變得越來越寬廣、我變得比以前更加自信。這也讓我更有動力在把自己活得更美麗，在我愛的人面前閃閃發光。
除了一起慶祝我們達成的里程碑，我們也攜手走過了不少困境。以前在台灣，天塌下來有爸爸媽媽扛著。在西北大學時，碰到的挑戰相對單純，靠著身邊朋友師長的支持和自己的一股倔勁兒，往往都能自己化險為夷。上了研究所以後，我終於開始碰到了自己解決不了的問題，我才不得不承認，不管我是如何努力聰明、不管我的意志如何堅定，人力終究有時而窮，我終究不是無堅不摧。碰到 Steve 之後，我才明白，在身陷困境時，身邊一個不離不棄的人能帶給我多大的力量和勇氣。從研二時的轉組、剛開始工作時工簽的問題，到去年媽媽離開，他解決不了我的困難，但是他始終陪在我身邊，跟我一起想辦法、幫助我調適心情、支持我做的每一個決定，他帶出了我最勇敢最光輝的一面，讓我在被打擊得支離破碎之後依然能努力將自己拼起，繼續不屈不撓地奮鬥。他也讓我明白，碰到困難時，優先照顧自己並不是自私，相反地，這是一種負責任的表現，因為只有我自己好好的，愛我的人才不會擔心，我也才有辦法繼續為我愛的人付出。他讓我成為了一個更強大、更成熟的人。
婚禮結束後，下一階段的人生才正要開始。在童話故事和電影中，夢幻的婚禮往往是結局，但是現實中，婚後的柴米油鹽才是真正的生活。我曾經開玩笑說婚禮感覺不像是所謂的「終身大事」，反而比較像博士論文口試。博士論文口試並不是決定我生死和命運的一天，相反地，是我在努力了將近五年拓展人類的知識疆域之後，向大家展示我的成果、接受檢驗、慶祝我的成就的一天。我的學習並不在這一天劃下句點，相反地，這象徵著另一個階段的開始——拿到博士學位進入職場之後，我還是要像以前一樣繼續努力學習、充實自己、創造價值。結婚也一樣：一起走過這麼多年的風風雨雨之後，婚禮是一個和大家一起慶祝、分享喜悅的里程碑。結婚之後，我們依然要像以前一樣互相扶持，一起慶祝我們的成功、一起度過所有的艱難險阻、一起實現我們所有的夢想。當年雖然我懵懵懂懂地就踏入我這輩子第一段也是唯一一段戀情，但是我非常幸運，碰到了一個和我價值觀如此相近的人，我們能彼此尊重、包容彼此的不同、陪伴彼此經歷各種高峰和低谷，也對未來有一致的規劃和目標。他讓我成了一個比以前好的人，以後我們要繼續手牽著手，一起成為更好的人。
親愛的媽媽，妳有沒有覺得我的項鍊看起來有些眼熟？我希望妳能陪著我，所以自己學了一手拆裝珠寶的功夫。謝謝妳以前教我串珠、縫紉、針織，還有其他各種小手工藝，讓我能在很短的時間內學會改裝妳的項鍊。這次所有的家人都因為疫情的關係留在台灣，但是或許是因為我不知道妳在哪裡，所以我就任性地假裝妳一直在我身邊、假裝妳看著我披上我們一起選的嫁衣。在婚禮上，有幾個淚眼模糊的瞬間，我彷彿真的看見妳對著我微笑——當然，我看見的是妳做化療前最美麗的樣子，也是妳在我心中永遠的模樣。
08/08/2021 — I met the best person at my most beautiful age, and together, we became better people.
Before my twenties, I never really thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship or even get married – in elementary school, I was ignorant; in middle school, I was fully devoted to studying and being the top student; I went to a girls’ high school and can probably count the number of boys I met on the fingers of one hand; at Northwestern, I put all my efforts into getting ahead in a foreign country and making every penny of my tuition worth it – I got my double major and a Master’s degree in four years, did research, worked as a Community Assistant, and participated in many extracurricular activities. I barely had enough time to sleep, not to mention dating. Further, I had little confidence in my appearance and was very self-conscious as a foreigner, so I remained single until I was 23. Frankly speaking, I enjoyed my freedom when I was single, and my life was fulfilling enough that I almost never felt lonely (or the need to be in a relationship). I rarely pictured what my future significant other might be like. For the very few times I did, I only thought of some very vague “criteria,” such as being so talented that my heart can be filled with admiration. As of what talents, or how such talents could fill my heart with admiration, I never thought about it too deeply. (In hindsight, having too many criteria up front probably isn’t helpful anyways. By the end of the day, having mutual respect, getting along well, and being comfortable with each other are probably the most important.)
When I first moved to California, I did not consider changing my relationship status, but I did gradually outgrow my self-consciousness as a foreigner and find my most beautiful self. I used to think I am the type of girl who needs to rely her inner beauty to make up for her appearance. After coming to California, I fell in love with camping, hiking, rock climbing, and all kinds of outdoor activities. I finally started to embrace my body image, my health, my energy, and worried less and less about how I might fit into the public’s beauty standards. As I continued to adapt to the life and culture in the US, I became a more radiant and confident person. In the summer after my first year at Stanford, I met Steve on a hiking trip organized by a mutual friend, and we became friends. In the fall, he taught me how to drive, even after I warned him how terrible I was at driving. Thanks to him, I finally got my driver’s license after my 4th behind-the-wheel test (and I am not going to elaborate on all the scary incidents that happened here). We started dating in the following spring. Since I never dated before and didn’t really watch TV growing up (and thus not familiar with social norms for dating), I didn’t realize we were dating for a few months. (I claimed that this is due to cultural differences. In hindsight, I probably did way more embarrassing things than I realized.) Thankfully, after the initial confusion, we stayed together for more than six years – over six years filled with love, joy, laughers, and adventures. In September 2019, we decided to enter the next stage of our lives together. We were already as close as family, so getting engaged felt like the most natural thing for us.
In the winter of 2019, we started to plan for our wedding in August 2020 with a lot of excitement. Back then, little did we know that our wedding preparation would be filled with so many twists and turns. COVID hit the world at the beginning of 2020, and in May we decided to postpone our wedding by a year. In October and November, our mothers passed away one after another, and we were separated in Taiwan and Michigan supporting our families for about two months. I was overwhelmed by grief for a long time, and it wasn’t until the beginning of this year did I finally recover some rhythm of my life. The pandemic continued to bring a lot of uncertainties, and in May we finally decided to keep our wedding and celebrate in whatever shape and form we are allowed to. We did not want our lives to be completely stalled because of the pandemic – our wedding would not be like what we originally envisioned, and we would need to make a lot of compromises, but as long as we can protect ourselves and our loved ones, we wanted to move forward with our lives. Due to the international travel bans, my family in Taiwan and many close friends in Europe and Asia could not come to our wedding, which made it emotionally difficult for me to plan the wedding. I also could not help but keep thinking about my mom during the planning process – when we first started to plan our wedding in 2019, I shared all the details with her with a lot of joy. Now whenever I see the photos we once looked at together or the folders that I showed her, I always get emotionally overwhelmed. Therefore, for a long time I almost lost all my motivation in wedding planning. I used to love planning and running large events, and marrying my best friend fills my heart with happiness and gratitude, but since May, every time when I thought of my mom, my brain froze and it was extremely difficult for me to proceed with any planning. I had to rely on my friends and vendors to push me forward and remind me when to do what. Now that I think about it, perhaps imperfection is the norm of life. Perhaps I am lucky because I didn’t really feel this way until I am almost thirty – this probably means the first twenty-nine years of my life have been pretty perfect. I am lucky also because I went through all of this together with Steve – if we can get through this much chaos together, we can weather through any storm together in the future.
Although the wedding itself was not quite the same as what we originally envisioned, I feel nothing but joy and appreciation – we had a lot of friends and family in the US who were able to celebrate with us, and many of our loved ones supported us along the way even though some of them could not make it to the wedding. Felix (one of our best friends) was our officiant and possibly the best officiant ever, my Dad sang Su Rei’s “Holding Hands” for us with our parrots and love from my family, Camping Club put together a band across three time zones and performed Every Time We Touch, our favorite song to sing by the campfire (one part of the song was played on the piano at Amsterdam Centraal), WSingers performed Best Day of My Life and sang so well that our photographer almost forgot about our recessional, my friends from Northwestern traveled from all over the US to celebrate with us, our friends at Stanford carried the whole dance party, and many of our loved ones sent us blessings even though they could not make it. Most importantly, I got to marry my best friend, the person who knows me the best, and my best teammate ever (as Matthijs once put it, “You guys just make such a great team!”). We have achieved so many milestones together, celebrated each other’s success, and supported each other’s goals as well as our shared dreams. As a very unromantic person, going to school together, writing our theses together, graduating together, finding our first jobs and entering the workforce together, getting promotions and raises together, saving and buying our house together, and building our home together are the most romantic things in the world to me. Growing up, I have always considered being good at what I am doing (in school or at work) to be my responsibility. My parents gave me a lot of love and support, so every time I achieved a major milestone, such as being the top student in middle school, getting into TCGS, Northwestern, and Stanford, winning competitions and fellowships, I considered it to be part of my “job” as a student. I would share my joy with my parents because I wanted them to be happy and proud, but I never thought about getting any additional rewards or recognition. Steve helped me understand that while I often attribute my success to good fortune and support from others, my own efforts and dedication are equally important and worthy of recognition. I never take other people’s virtue for granted, so I should not take my own strength and hard work for granted, either. Therefore, whenever one or both of us achieve something great, we will eat out together, celebrate together, or travel together. We have explored many places and gone on many adventures that I would not have done on my own, which has really opened up my world. I become more confident as my world becomes bigger, and I am more motivated to live a beautiful life so that I can shine in front of the person I love.
In addition to achieving successes together, we also weathered through many storms together. When I was in Taiwan, I felt like even if the sky had fallen, my parents would have stood strong and carried the sky on their shoulders for me. At Northwestern, most challenges I encountered were relatively straightforward, and I was able to overcome them with my own grit and support from my friends and mentors. At Stanford, I finally started to come up against difficulties that I could not resolve on my own. I finally had to admit that no matter how smart or hardworking I am, and no matter how strong my willpower is, by the end of the day I am just a human being, and I am not invincible. Steve helped me realize that when I am trying to overcome an extremely difficult situation, having someone who never stops supporting me and loving me by my side can bring out so much strength and courage. From switching research groups at Stanford, struggling with my work visa when I first started to work, to my mom passing away last October, he could not solve my problems, but he has always been there for me. Every time when I was in trouble, he brainstormed possible solutions with me, helped calm my emotions down, and supported every single decision I made. He brought out the bravest and the brightest side of me, and gave me the courage to piece myself back together after being shattered so that I can continue to fight my battle. He also helped me understand that when I face hardships, prioritizing taking good care of myself is not selfishness. On the contrary, it is the responsible thing to do because this way those who love me will not have to worry about me, and I will not be able to support my loved ones unless I am well myself. Through the past six years or so, he has made me a stronger and more mature person.
After our wedding, the next stage of our lives together is just about to begin. In fairytales or movies, a dream wedding is usually the end, but in reality, the day-to-days after the wedding is the real life. I once joked about how my wedding feels more like a thesis defense than “the event of my life.” My thesis defense was not a day that sealed my fate. Rather, it was a day to demonstrate my results, take questions, and celebrate my achievements after working so hard for five years to expand the realm of human knowledge. My learning did not end on this day. Instead, it marks the beginning of another stage of my life – after getting my PhD and entering the workforce, I must continue to learn new knowledge and creative value. Marriage is no different – our wedding is a day to celebrate and share our joy with our loved ones after so many years of nurturing our relationship together. After the wedding, we will continue to support each other, celebrate our success together, overcome challenges together, and realize our dreams together. I stumbled into the first and only relationship in my life by accident when I was 23, but I am so lucky to have met someone with such similar values. We respect each other, live with our differences, keep each other company through highs and lows, and are aligned on our future directions and goals. He has made me a better person, and together, we will become better people.
Dear Mom, does my necklace look familiar to you? I wish you could be here with me on the big day, so I taught myself jewelry making. Thank you for teaching me how to bead, sew, knit, and many other handicrafts so that I could pick up a new skill so quickly and refit your necklace. The rest of our family stayed in Taiwan because of the pandemic, but since I don’t know where you are, I took the liberty to pretend that you were with me the entire time, and that you saw me wearing the wedding dress you helped me pick out. There were a few tearful moments at the wedding when I thought I saw you smiling at me – of course, I saw the most beautiful version of you before chemotherapy, and that is how you will live in my heart forever.
And Matthijs, Jana, and Callisto – you were there.
