在美國跟在台灣籌備婚禮有許多不同，其中一個差異便是婚紗：台灣的新娘大多租借婚紗，而美國的新娘則是購買婚紗居多，許多人還會在婚後將婚紗保存起來，當成傳家寶傳承給自己的子女。我從小在台灣長大，又是徹頭徹尾的務實派，所以剛開始很抗拒花大錢買一件一輩子只穿一次的衣服。我曾經嘗試在灣區尋找出租婚紗的店家，奈何選擇有限，結果總是不盡如人意。在朋友的影響下，我才漸漸地入鄉隨俗、接受了購買婚紗的想法。
婚禮結束後，我開始思考應該如何處理我的婚紗。最簡單的辦法就是裝在特製的盒子裡保存起來，像一顆時空膠囊。或許很久之後的某一天，我會將它從歲月的洪流中打撈上岸，讓自己的青春歲月在岸上鮮活地翻騰跳躍，也或許它會慢慢沉入生活瑣事的流沙中，被遺忘在記憶的角落。這個方法對我來說不盡理想，因為我一輩子奉行實用主義，下意識地希望能為我的婚紗找到其他「用途」。我曾經嘗試在二手市場轉賣我的婚紗，但是接觸到的幾位潛在客戶不是特別挑剔就是拿不定主意，我還從某個銷售平台上收到層出不窮的詐騙訊息。就在我感到興致索然時，我在網路上看到了捐贈婚紗的想法。
「捐贈」對我來說是一個後天形成的概念。台灣的捐贈文化不如美國普及，不常看到像比爾蓋茲和巴菲特這樣的富豪大手筆地捐款給慈善機構，再加上有一段時間經濟拮据，所以很少想到捐贈，直到好幾年前爸爸媽媽造訪了台東的阿尼色弗兒童之家，認養了幾位失依孩童，希望他們能像我和弟弟一樣接受優質教育、翻轉人生。此時我在研究所開始有一筆小小的收入，所以我也開始每年對我的母校西北大學進行小額捐款。這並不是因為我覺得自己的道德高尚，而是因為我想向我爸爸媽媽看齊，而且我清楚地記得自己唸大學時經濟壓力很大，對學校給我的每一筆研究獎學金、每一個能讓我補貼開支的工作機會都滿懷感激，所以希望能多多少少幫助到一些像我一樣的學生，讓他們有機會在龐大的經濟壓力下喘口氣，跟我一樣享受最精彩充實的大學生活。開始工作之後，偶爾也會響應朋友或是公司的號召給一些慈善機構捐款，或組織一些志工活動，但是我從來沒有一口氣捐過像婚紗單價這麼高、這麼具有紀念意義的物品。
我的婚紗是好幾位朋友趕在去年新冠肺炎封城前幫我挑的。除了陪我跑了好幾家婚紗店的 Jana 和尤佳，還有遠在香港的紅葉、澳洲的 Callisto、荷蘭的Matthijs 和紐約的 Felix 對我進行遠程指導，最後大家幫我篩到剩下兩件，是媽媽幫我拍版定案的。剛選定婚紗時，我的心中充滿喜悅，但是後來新冠疫情來襲、婚禮延期、媽媽過世……等等一系列的巨變讓一切都變了味兒。婚禮結束後，我覺得婚紗潔白的裙擺承載的是濃墨重彩的情感，除了喜悅和感恩之外，也有思念和遺憾，恰如生命的眾多面向。我想起了媽媽過世後，爸爸把奠儀都捐給了阿尼色弗之家的孩子們，希望他們帶著媽媽的遺愛，開拓人生的新篇章。我也希望透過捐贈我的婚紗，讓它帶著色彩斑斕的回憶重獲新生，幫助另一位新娘實現夢想。
總部位於波特蘭的 Brides for a Cause 是一家透過轉售二手婚紗替慈善機構募款、幫助婦女的婚紗店。我在電話中跟店員聊了許久，覺得他們的理念和我捐贈的動機契合，所以毅然決定把我的婚紗捐給他們。在填寫捐贈表格時，我鬼使神差般地在慈善機構的欄位寫下了 Living Beyond Breast Cancer（一個協助乳癌患者的非營利組織）。雖然我是個務實的人，但這不是我第一次做這種無用功——就像我2016年開始吃素一樣，我明明知道我吃什麼對媽媽的病情不會有任何直接的影響，我還是希望能幫她祈福、在遠方跟她一起努力。現在媽媽過世了，我知道不管我捐再多錢給再多的慈善機構都沒有用，但是我還是希望透過各種方式延續她的風骨和精神。如果她幫我挑的婚紗有朝一日能幫助另一位像她一樣的乳癌患者，我猜她的在天之靈應該會感到欣慰吧？
星期二下午，郵局裡大排長龍，好不容易輪到了我，我扛著裝著婚紗的大紙箱不小心一頭撞上了郵局窗口的塑膠隔板。郵局櫃檯的阿姨大概是忙了一整天累了，略顯不耐地瞪了我一眼，才開始幫我的箱子秤重。當她看見包裹的收件單位時，發出了一聲驚呼：「妳是要捐妳的婚紗嗎？」
「是啊。」
「啊！妳真是太好心了。」阿姨的眉眼瞬間舒緩了不少，動作也熱絡了許多：「它一定能成為另一位新娘的珍寶，一定會是另一場婚禮的亮點，妳能這麼做真是太好了……」
阿姨越講越激動，其他排隊的客人紛紛轉過頭來，有人友善地朝我點點頭，我感到自己的臉紅了。我不覺得我做了什麼值得當眾表揚的事，因為如果媽媽還在，她應該也會建議我把婚紗捐出去的。
「願神保佑妳！」我付完錢準備離開時，阿姨熱心地朝我喊。我朝她笑了笑，有些難為情地逃出了郵局，才後知後覺地意識到，阿姨看不見我口罩後面的笑容。
我踏出郵局的大門時，灣區因為連日陰雨，天空是灰藍沉鬱的，但是在濃重的烏雲間，我看見了多日來的第一道陽光，在那一瞬間，我覺得媽媽看見我了。
One of the many differences between planning a wedding in Taiwan and in the US is the wedding dress. In Taiwan, most brides rent their wedding gowns while in the US, brides usually buy theirs. Many US brides will preserve their wedding dress and pass it down as a family heirloom. As a practical woman growing up in Taiwan, I was originally very resistant to the idea of spending a fortune on a dress that I will only wear once in my life. I tried to look for wedding dress rentals in the Bay Area, but unfortunately, the options were very limited. Under the influence of my friends, I eventually followed the US customs and accepted the idea of buying a wedding dress.
After my wedding, I started to think about what to do with my wedding dress. The easiest way is to preserve it in a box like a time capsule. Maybe one day I will fish it up from the river of time and let my youth flap lively on the shore; maybe it will slowly sink into the quicksand of life, and I will never think of it again. This is not an ideal solution for me since I am a pragmatist and would much prefer to find other uses for my wedding dress. I tried to resell it, but most potential buyers I met were either extremely picky or couldn’t make up their minds. I also kept getting scam messages from one of the listing platforms. Just as I started to feel discouraged, I read online about wedding dress donation.
“Donation” is not something that comes naturally to me. The donation culture in Taiwan is not as prominent as it is in the US, as we don’t often see multibillionaires like Bill Gates or Warren Buffett making large donations to charities. There was also a while when I was financially strapped, so I rarely think about making donations, until many years ago my parents visited Kids Alive International in Taitung. They told me they sponsored a few orphans there, hoping that they could get better education like me and my brother and turn their lives around. At this point, I had a small income in graduate school, so I started to make small donations to Northwestern University every year. This is not because I think I am morally superior, but simply because I wanted to be like my parents. Further, I clearly remember how financially constrained I was when I was in college, so I was extremely grateful for every fellowship, every research grant, and every job opportunity Northwestern gave me to help me make ends meet. Therefore, I hope to help students like me to take a break, no matter how small, from their financial burdens and enjoy a fulfilling college life as I did. After I started working, I occasionally respond to calls from friends or my company to make donations or organize volunteering events, but I have never donated anything with such high unit price and emotional value like a wedding dress.
I picked my wedding dress with the help of many friends right before the COVID lockdown in 2020. In addition to Jana and Jia, who visited multiple bridal stores in the Bay Area with me, Ruby, Callisto, Matthijs, Felix also gave me inputs from Hong Kong, Australia, the Netherlands, and New York, respectively. We were down to two choices, and my mom helped me make the final call. When I first purchased my wedding dress, my heart was filled with joy. However, with COVID raging, our wedding getting postponed, and my mom passing away, everything felt different. After our wedding, it seems like the white train of my wedding dress carries a lot of colorful feelings – there is joy and gratitude, as well as grief and regrets, just like the many aspects of life. I remember after my mom’s funeral, my dad donated all the bereavement gifts to Kids Alive International, hoping my mom’s love would help the kids start a new chapter in their lives. Therefore, I also hope to donate my wedding dress so that it can start a new life with its colorful memories, and help another bride realize her dreams.
Headquartered in Portland, OR, Brides for a Cause is a bridal store that raises funds for charity and supports women by reselling wedding dresses. I spoke with them on the phone for a while and thought their missions align well with my reasons for donation, so I decided to donate my wedding dress to them. When I filled out the donation form, I put down Living Beyond Breast Cancer (a nonprofit that supports women diagnosed with breast cancer). Although I take pride in being a practical person, this is not the first time I do “useless” work like this – just like when I decided to become a vegetarian in 2016, I knew my diet would have no direct impact on my mom’s cancer, but I still wished to build good karma for her and support her from afar. Now that she passed away, I know no matter how much money I donate to charity, it will not help her, but I still hope to keep her spirits alive however I can. If the wedding dress she helped me pick out can one day help another breast cancer patient like her, I guess her soul in heaven will be pleased.
I took my wedding dress to the post office on a Tuesday afternoon, and there was a long line. When it was finally my turn, I accidentally hit the plastic board at the counter with my giant box. The post office clerk was probably tired from the crowd and a long day of work. She gave me a slightly impatient look before starting to weigh my box. When she saw the addressee, she gasped, “Are you donating your wedding dress?”
“Yes.”
“Oh my god! That is so kind of you!” Her facial expression softened immediately, and her tone became a lot warmer, “I am sure it will become another bride’s treasure and the highlight of her wedding. It is so nice that you are doing this……”
She got louder and more excited as she spoke. Other customers in the post office turned around and looked at me. One of them gave me a friendly nod, and I felt myself blushing. I didn’t think I did anything that deserved her public praise – had my mom still been around, she probably would have suggested that I donate my wedding dress as well.
“God bless you!” She said enthusiastically as I was ready to leave after paying. I smiled at her and escaped the post office slightly embarrassed, only to realize that she probably couldn’t see my smile behind my face mask.
When I stepped out from the post office, I saw the first ray of sunshine among the dark clouds after many days of rain. In that split second, I think my mom saw me.