去年搬家後，我發現新家附近有一個攀岩場，走路只要十五分鐘。到了三月底，灣區防疫限制鬆綁，攀岩場開放，我便迫不及待地去辦了會員，如今距離我重新開始攀岩，已經快一年了。我以前作夢都沒想過，有朝一日攀岩竟然會成為我最熱愛的運動之一——我怕高、怕摔、怕受傷、沒什麼上肢力量，但是現在即使生活忙碌，我每週還是花將近四小時攀岩。
室內攀岩分三種：先鋒攀登、頂繩攀登、抱石，而我的主攻項目一直是頂繩。先鋒攀登需要進階的技巧，我嘗試過幾次，但是沒有正式上過課，也沒有考認證。我對抱石則是很長一段時間都有著心理陰影，除了害怕沒有繩索的自由降落之外，我的朋友 Callisto 第一次帶我嘗試抱石時，從牆上摔下來扭傷了腳踝，我驚恐地看著她的腳踝以肉眼可見的速度腫大、扶著她一瘸一拐地從學校的攀岩場一路走回宿舍，從此之後我便十分排斥抱石。許多跟我資歷相當的攀岩者都會同時練習頂繩和抱石，但我卻是嚴重偏科，一直到去年底之前，我頂繩和抱石的難度級數一直存在著十分可觀的差距。
第一次接觸攀岩是在史丹佛的第一個夏天，是我的冒險家好友 Callisto 帶我入門的。我不記得她究竟如何說服我克服恐懼，但是我記得她第一次帶著我踏進學校的攀岩場、幫助我第一次穿上安全吊帶、教我打了我人生的第一個八字結，後來又看著我一路從 5.7 爬到了 5.11b。研二的一整年，我們一起上了一門攀岩課。每週二週四，我早上六點半起床，七點半準時到攀岩場報到，九點上完課到體育館沖澡，九點十五開始在實驗室工作。那一整年，我在實驗室過得非常不快樂，一直在恐懼中掙扎求生，我覺得我的人生完全失控了。攀岩是少數讓我覺得我還能掌握自己人生的活動之一：在生活的各方面似乎都陷入死局時，我在攀岩場卻飛快地進步，我越來越強壯、攀岩的難度級數越來越高、心理素質也越來越強韌。攀岩時，我能暫時拋開工作上的困境，完全專注於眼前的動作——生活是一堵密不透風的牆，壓得我近乎窒息，但是攀岩在牆上鑿開了一條小小的縫隙，給了我喘氣的空間。Callisto 的陪伴也帶給了我許多力量，她會吆喝著幫我加油，也會鼓勵我挑戰更困難的路線，有她在，我似乎更容易走出自己的舒適圈。2016年春天，我剛開始嘗試5.11b時，我的背受傷了，不得已暫停了攀岩，沒想到這一停就是三年，Callisto 搬去澳洲之前，我們都沒能再次一起攀岩。
2019年又是失控的一年：媽媽在標靶藥物失效後重新開始化療、公司重組、工簽沒有著落。四年前熟悉的恐懼感怒濤般地將我捲起，將我拋進了那片曾經令我窒息的汪洋。我克服不了我的壓力和恐懼，所以我開始失眠、開始看心理醫生。當時有一位同事是舊金山一個攀岩場的會員，攛掇著我跟他一起去攀岩。我的技巧都生疏了，也沒有以前的體力，但是我還是去了。雖然第一次重回攀岩場時，安全考試過得勉強，又從幾乎打掉重練似的從 5.10a 開始，我卻奇蹟般地找到了熟悉的安定感。在我混亂的生活中，攀岩再次成為了我的定海神針；在我生活的各方面都陷入僵局時，攀岩又成為了我唯一能持續進步的事；在我拒絕使用藥物治療失眠時，靠著攀岩把自己累得半死成了唯一能讓我入眠的方法。五月時，我們一群朋友到歐洲參加 Matthijs 和 Jana 的婚禮，我和 Callisto 在荷蘭重逢了，我們特地去了格羅寧根的亞瑟王神劍塔（全世界最高的攀岩場）一起攀岩，這段飛越大半個世界一起攀岩的特別經歷，支持著我度過了艱難的下半年。我花了好幾個月重新回到了上次巔峰時期的水準，開始嘗試 5.11c時，新冠肺炎疫情爆發，攀岩又毫無預警地被打斷了。
去年三月重新開始攀岩，除了因爲攀岩場離家近，也是為了排解揮之不去的喪母之痛。一開始人生地不熟，所以我決定嘗試不需要同伴的抱石。後來認識了一個很不錯的同伴，我們一個禮拜一起攀岩兩次，一次頂繩一次抱石。我這次只花了一個多月就回到了之前頂繩的難度級數，偶爾還會朝 5.11d、5.12a 推進 （不過大部分時候爬不完，總是會有幾個高難度動作超越我的極限）。抱石雖然進步緩慢，但是也達到了我這輩子的最高水平，我現在能爬一些較為側重技巧的V4，更開始有系統地思考該如何突破瓶頸、持續進步。我不是力量型的攀岩者，能爬難度級數高的路線主要依靠的是平衡和技巧，但是如果要再向上突破，力量和技巧缺一不可。以前我很排斥重訓，因為以我的身體素質來說，提升力量是事倍功半，但是現在明白了這是進步不可或缺的環節，所以即使見效十分緩慢，我還是咬著牙做指力板和重訓。技巧方面，我不再自己盲目摸索，而是開始觀察攀岩場裡的其他人，偶爾也看看影片，參考他們的方法、學習他們的技巧，看看在力量有限的情況下，能不能靠著更刁鑽的角度完成相同難度的動作。現在我達到了這輩子最高的攀岩水平，而且住得離攀岩場這麼近，沒有藉口不持續練習，雖然少有重大突破，但是我期許自己在小地方繼續進步。
雖然攀岩乍看之下和我八字不合，但是它卻是我這輩子最美麗的意外之一。我喜歡攀岩，因爲攀岩承載了許多我和朋友們的美好回憶。比方說，我的攀岩啟蒙老師 Callisto 已經離開灣區三年多了，但是我攀岩時還是時常想到她，想著她吆喝著幫我加油、想著她強迫我挑戰更高難度的路線、想著她面對困難時大無畏的精神。攀岩也支撐著我度過幾段人生中最難熬的時光：在生活中充滿令我恐懼的不確定性時，攀岩是少數幾件我能掌控並且持續進步的事。最重要的是，不論是在生理上或是心理上，攀岩都讓我成為了更強大的人：我不斷地提升自己攀岩的難度級數，也對於嘗試新活動和突破自己的極限越來越有信心。這種心態從攀岩場漫溢到了我生活中的其他角落，讓我面對困境時更有勇氣和韌性，也讓我在生活的各方面都更努力地超越自己。我希望自己能像爸爸所說的，用面對專業的精神培養自己的興趣，我希望自己能持續進步，也希望攀岩能陪伴我一輩子、一輩子都能帶給我安定和勇氣。
感謝所有曾經和我一起攀岩的人。
After we moved to Fremont last March, I found a rock gym (The Peak of Fremont) that is only a fifteen-minute walk from home. When some COVID restrictions were lifted by the end of last March, I went and got a membership at the Peak the day it opened up to new members. Now, it has almost been a year since I started to climb again. Before grad school, I never thought rock climbing would one day become one of my favorite sports — I am scared of height, falling, getting injured, and I have no upper body strength. Yet now I spend almost four hours climbing every week.
There are three types of indoor climbing: lead climbing, top roping, and bouldering; I have mostly been focused on top roping. Lead climbing requires more advanced techniques. I have tried it a few times, but I never take a lesson to get certified. As for bouldering, I was traumatized for a very long time. When my friend Callisto took me to boulder for the first time, she fell off the wall and sprained her ankle. I panicked as I saw her ankle swell and double in size in front of me, and I helped her limp back from the gym to EV. Since then, I have been very resistant against bouldering. Many climbers with my level of experience will both top rope and boulder. For me, however, there has been a huge gap between my ability to top rope and boulder for a very long time.
I tried rock climbing for the first time during my first summer at Stanford. My adventurous friend Callisto offered to teach me how to climb. I don’t remember how she convinced me to overcome my fear for height and falling, but I remember how she took me to the Stanford rock gym for the first time, helped me wear my harness for the first time, and taught me how to tie my very first figure-eight knot. After that, she saw me climb all the way from 5.8 to 5.11b. In our second year of grad school, we took Strength and Conditioning together for the entire year. Every Tuesday and Thursday, I woke up at 6:30 in the morning, showed up at the rock gym at 7:30, showered at the gym after class at 9, and started to work in my lab at 9:15. That year, I was miserable in my lab and lived in constant fear. I felt like my life was completely out of control, but thankfully, rock climbing was the one thing that I had control over. When every aspect of my life seemed to be stuck, I was making significant progress in the rock gym: I kept getting stronger, climbing more difficult routes, and becoming more resilient mentally. When I climbed, I could set aside my misery at work for a while and just focus on my next move. Although life felt like a heavy, airtight wall that almost suffocated me, rock climbing cracked a tiny slit on the wall and gave me some room to breathe. Climbing with Callisto also brought me a lot of courage. She would cheer me up and pressure me to climb harder routes. I found it easier to step out of my comfort zone with her around. In the spring of 2016, just as I started to try 5.11b’s, I injured my back and had to stop climbing. Little did I know that this was going to be a three-year pause, and I did not get to climb with Callisto again before she moved to Australia.
2019 was another year out of control: my mom started chemotherapy again after her targeted therapy failed, there was a reorg at work and my career was up in the air, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to get my work visa. The fear that dominated my life four years ago came back to grab me like raging waves, and threw me back into the dark ocean that once suffocated me. I could not manage my fear and stress, so I started to lose sleep, and I started to see a therapist. Back then I had a colleague who was a member of Mission Cliffs, and he nudged me to go climbing with him. Since I had not climbed in three years, my techniques were rusty and I lost all my strength, yet I still went. Although I barely passed my belay test and had to start all over again from 5.10a, I found a familiar sense of control and calmness at the wall. In my chaotic life, rock climbing once again became the one and only thing I had control over. When every aspect of my life became stagnant and hopeless, climbing was on the only thing that I could keep making positive progress on. When I refused to treat my insomnia with medication, tiring myself out climbing was the only way for me to fall asleep. In May 2019, the Camping Club went to Europe to attend Matthijs and Jana’s wedding. I reunited with Callisto in the Netherlands, and we went climbing together at Klimcentrum Bjoeks in Groningen (the Excalibur in the gym is the tallest freestanding climbing tower in the world). The exhilarating experience of flying across the world to climb together supported me through the difficult year. I spent a few month getting back to where I was in 2016, but just as I started to try 5.11c’s, COVID hit. The rock gym shut down and I was forced to stop climbing.
I started to climb again last March, not only because the Peak is so close to home, but also because I was trying to distract myself from the endless grief after I lost my mom. I didn’t know anyone at the gym when I started, so I decided to finally start bouldering because bouldering does not require a partner. Fortunately, I met a great climbing buddy shortly after. We climb together twice a week: top roping on Tuesdays and bouldering on Thursdays. This time, it only took me about a month to get back to where I was at top roping, and occasionally I push for 5.11d and 5.12a (although I barely finish them because there are always a few moves in these routes that are just way beyond what I can do). I make slow progress on bouldering, but this is still the best I have ever gotten in my life. Now I can climb some V4s that are more focused on techniques, and I think more systematically about how to break through bottlenecks and keep improving. I don’t have a lot of strength, so I rely heavily on my balance and techniques to climb advanced routes. I know, however, that if I want to get to the next level, I need both strength and techniques. I used to hate weight training because with my physical condition, I get half the results with twice the effort. Now that I realize strength is necessary for me to keep improving, I decided to bite the bullet and do fingerboard and weight training. To improve my techniques, I started to observe other climbers in the gym and occasionally watch videos of others climbing. I look at their beta to see if it is possible to do certain moves with more advanced techniques when I have limited strength. Now I am at my best in rock climbing, and I live so close to the rock gym, I have no excuse to not keep practicing. Although I rarely have major breakthroughs theses days, I expect myself to keep making progress on small things.
Although rock climbing doesn’t seem to be the sport for me at first sight, it is one of the most beautiful serendipities in my life. I love rock climbing because it entails so many lovely memories with my friends. For example, even though Callisto left the Bay Area over three years ago, I still think of her a lot when I climb. I think of how she used to cheer me up, how she made me improve by forcing me to climb more difficult routes, and her fearless spirits when facing challenges. Rock climbing also supported me through some of the most difficult times in my life: when my life was filled with uncertainties and fear, rock climbing was one of the very few things that I had control over and could continue to make positive progress on. Most importantly, rock climbing has made me a stronger person, both physically and mentally. As I continue to climb harder routes, I become more confident in trying out new things and going beyond my limits. This mentality spills over from the rock gym into other aspects of my life — it has made me braver and more resilient when I encounter difficulties, and gave me the strength to go above and beyond in every aspect of my life. I want to live up to what my dad once told me, “Even though it is just a hobby, still pursue it like a profession.” I want to continue to get better at rock climbing, and I hope rock climbing can be a hobby that brings me peace and courage for the rest of my life.
Many thanks to everyone who once climbed with me.
