兩年了，我終於回臺灣了。
上次回家，是2020年底媽媽過世時。雖然在臺灣一口氣待了六個禮拜，但是這段時間卻不足以讓我沉澱心情，十二月回美國時，我還是茫然無措、不知道該如何繼續沒有媽媽的生活。其實不只是我，我離開臺灣時，爸爸和弟弟也還沒有從震驚和悲慟中恢復。我雖然很擔心他們，但是我遠在美國，自己也還在努力克服傷痛，除了每週的視訊和偶爾寄東西回家之外，我能做的實在有限。
過去兩年來，我們在太平洋的兩端，各自用不同的方式努力將生活導回正軌、兌現我們對媽媽最後的承諾。我努力地充實自己的專業知識、換了新工作，也重新開始了露營、登山、攀岩、旅行，用不同的方式突破自己的極限。雖然每隔一段時間還是會情緒崩潰，但是我早已不是2020年底剛回美國時破碎的模樣了。爸爸一頭栽進了工作中，也繼續參加樂團團練、跑超馬（還連續兩年達成了關山九連馬的成就）。弟弟則是終於辭去了餐廳的工作、回家幫爸爸忙，一邊改行一邊學習許多新知識。更重要的是，他終於有了正常的生活作息和自己的時間，現在正在向自由潛水的教練證照發起衝擊。（我回家時，弟弟正在準備教練考試，每天下班回家都唸書唸到半夜，比我當年考大學學測時還認真。）我感覺得出來，雖然時隔兩年，媽媽的過世對我們還是有不同程度的影響，但是我們已經將很大一部分的悲傷轉化為讓自己更好的動力，如果她在天山看得見，希望她能放心。
這次回家將近四個禮拜，看似一段不短的時間，其實一晃眼就過了。前兩個禮拜，我在遠端工作、爸爸在大陸出差、弟弟平日替爸爸照顧生意，週末去台北上潛水課，我們一家相聚的時間少得可憐。因為兩年沒回臺灣了，我自己也有許多雜事要處理：換簽證、去戶政事務所補登記結婚、換身分證、準備兩場宴客、做健康檢查、動個小手術、置辦各種我在美國買不到的東西……後面一周半的假期，就在各種雜事中，悄悄地從指縫間流逝了。雖然這次沒有時間像以前一樣全家一起出遊，但是我們還是有許多瑣碎的相處時間，我們一起吃飯、一起買菜、一起去看媽媽、一起做家事……，我看到了爸爸和弟弟更多的生活日常，這對我來說就是最好的時光。
這次回臺灣最後的重頭戲就是補結婚宴客。因為疫情的關係，結婚對我來說好像是一個兩年半的過程，而不是一個里程碑。我們2020年八月在美國線上登記結婚，因為負責結婚登記的縣書記辦公室疫情期間不對外開放。2021年美國防疫鬆綁，我們八月在加州舉辦婚禮，但是因為當時臺灣還沒有解除隔離，我在臺灣的家人朋友們都無法參加，所以總覺得還有什麼事沒辦完。我記得媽媽過世前，我跟她聊到了臺灣的家人們可能沒辦法來美國參加我們的婚禮，她當時對我說：「沒關係，反正你們總是要回門的，可以順便在臺灣拍婚紗。」所以這次回臺灣宴客，除了和臺灣的親朋好友分享遲來的喜悅，也是完成另一項對媽媽的承諾。於是我們從工作中硬是擠了一天出來去清境農場拍婚紗——那是我和爸爸媽媽最後一次一起出遊的地方。我們找的是媽媽以前跟我提過在忠明南路上的一家婚紗工作室，她以前和爸爸時常一起經過，我訂婚後，她建議我參考參考。不是什麼硬性的要求，但是卻成了一件我很想替她完成的事，一如過去兩年中我為了她而做的許多事，或許是因為她生前很少跟我提什麼硬性要求吧？（雖然這次時間很趕，但是和婚紗工作室的合作非常順利愉快，可能是媽媽又一次在天上照看我了吧？）
我們總共辦了兩場歸寧宴，一場為了奶奶，一場為了我們自己。我們自己的歸寧宴辦得非常低調，總共請不到五十人，都是我們非常親近的家人、朋友、老師，除了一開始爸爸的致詞之外（基本上幫我做了一次人生總回顧，順便點名我人生中不同階段的重要人物輪流發言），就沒有別的節目了，儘可能地留時間、空間給大家自在地吃飯聊天。這其實跟我們去年在美國自己辦的婚禮有異曲同工之妙——我們請的人也沒有很多，而且當時就有人注意到我們的節目很少，連比較基本的拋捧花、切蛋糕都沒有。其實我們只是想好好地和我們的朋友們一起吃飯、敘舊、跳舞，或許是因為到了這個年紀，又或許是因為大家平常相聚的時間越來越少了，所以我們也盡量節省一些對我們來說流於表面的形式吧？我們的歸寧宴讓我感到十分溫馨，雖然我們一切從簡，但是我一桌一桌地串門，和家人、老師、朋友們敘舊，十分快意。爸爸號稱完全沒準備，但是當他如數家珍地和大家分享我人生的每一個階段，包括一些我自己都遺忘的細節，還是深深觸動了我。從小到大，爸爸媽媽對我大都是放養，碰到事情我的習慣就是能解決就自己解決，很少叨擾他們。後來我出國，跟他們相處的時間更少了，沒想到這些年下來，爸爸居然林林總總記下了這麼多關於我的事，在歸寧的這一天，和來賓們講了一個十分精彩的故事，故事的主角，就是我；故事目前的結局，就是爸爸對我說的一句：「我們放心。」（我的口才、台風，和串起故事的能力，大概都是遺傳爸爸的吧？）很多人說我像媽媽，歸寧當天，很多媽媽的家人和舊識也說我化起妝來就是她年輕時的翻版。她的離世是這場歸寧宴最大的遺憾，但是我們在準備時也考慮到了她的個性和喜好，如果她還在，相信她也會喜歡的。
這次回臺灣，辦成了許多事，尤其是婚紗和婚宴，更是重中之重——從2020年八月開始，總算徹底完成了人生大事。爸爸說，對我和Steven 最大的祝福就是他對我們完完全全地放心，這大概也是我身為一個離鄉背井的女兒最大的孝心了。我會繼續努力了，讓臺灣的家人朋友們和天上的媽媽繼續放心。
After two years, I finally went back to Taiwan.
Last time I went home was in October 2020 when my mom passed away. Even though I stayed in Taiwan for six weeks, it was not enough time for me to calm my mind. When I came back to the US in December, I still felt completely disoriented, not knowing how to move on with my life without my mom. In fact, not only me, it seemed like neither my dad nor my brother had recovered from their shock and grief by the time I left Taiwan. I was worried about them, yet I was thousands of miles away and still trying hard to overcome my own pain, so there was little I could do other than video chatting them every week and sending things home from time to time.
In the past two years, on the two sides of the Pacific Ocean, we have been working hard to get our lives back on track and to fulfill our promises to my mom. I continued to grow my professional skills and made a really good career transition earlier this year. I also started to camp, hike, climb, and travel again, going beyond my limits in different ways. Although I still have emotional breakdowns every so often, I am no longer the broken person I was when I first came back to the US two years ago. My dad threw himself into his new business and got great traction. Outside of work, he picked up his orchestra rehearsals and ultra-marathons again. (He even ran nine ultra-marathons nine days in a row in two consecutive years.) My brother quit his job in a Michelin-recommended restaurant and went home to help my dad with his business. He has been learning a lot after this career switch. Most importantly, he now has a regular routine and time to do things he enjoys. He is currently working on getting qualified to be a freediving instructor. (When I was at home, my brother was preparing for his exams. After he came back from work, he studied until midnight every day. He studied way harder than me when I was preparing for my college entrance exam.) I could tell that even after two years, my mom’s passing is still impacting us in different ways, but we have turned a decent portion of our grief into motivation to become our better selves. If she could see us in Heaven, I hope she is gratified.
I was home for almost four weeks this time. It seemed like a long time, but it was over in a blink of an eye. In the first two weeks, I was working remotely and my dad was on a business trip to China. My brother took care of the business during the week and went to Taipei for freediving classes on the weekends, so I barely saw him. Further, since I had not been back to Taiwan in two years, I had a lot of chores to take care of myself: getting a new work visa, registering my marriage with the government, getting a new ID, preparing for two wedding receptions, getting a surgery, buying things I can’t get in the US…etc. My week and half of vacation quietly slipped through my fingers among all kinds of chores. We didn’t have time for a family trip like we usually did in the past, but we still got many bits and pieces of time together. We ate together, shopped for groceries together, visited my mom together, did housework together…etc. I saw a lot more of my dad and my brother’s day-to-day lives in Taiwan — to me, this was the best time together.
One of our most important tasks during this trip to Taiwan was our wedding reception. To me, getting married is a two-and-a-half-year process instead of a single milestone because of COVID. Steve and I got married in August 2020 on Microsoft Teams in California because the County Clerk-Recorder’s Office was closed during the pandemic. In 2021, many COVID restrictions were lifted in the US, so we had our wedding ceremony and reception in California in the summer. However, back then Taiwan had not lifted the quarantine requirements for international travels, so none of my family and friends in Taiwan made it to our wedding. Therefore, even after the reception, I still felt like there was something undone. I recalled in early 2020, I was talking to my mom about how COVID really messed up our wedding plans and my concerns about how my family in Taiwan might not be able to make it. She said, “It’s fine. You will have to come back and visit anyways. You can even take your wedding photos in Taiwan!” (These are all Taiwanese customs.) Therefore, holding a wedding reception in Taiwan was not only to share our joy with our friends and family two and a half years later, but also to fulfill another promise to my mom. Steve and I both squeezed a day out from work to go take wedding photos in Qingjing Farm — the last place that my parents and I went on a trip together. We hired a bridal studio on Zhongming S. Road that my mom mentioned to me before. She and my dad used to go by there all the time. After I told her I got engaged, she suggested that I take a look. Although it was merely a suggestion, it became something I wanted to do for her, just like many other things I did for her in the past two years, perhaps it is because she rarely demanded me to do anything when she was alive. (Although we were in a huge rush, we really enjoyed working with this studio and got some really amazing photos. Perhaps my mom was looking after me in Heaven again.)
We ended up having two wedding receptions: one for my grandma and the other one for ourselves. The one for ourselves was very low-profile. We had less than fifty guests, all of whom were our close friends, teachers, and family. Other than my dad’s toast at the beginning (he basically did a recap of my whole life and asked people to talk about me at different stages of my life), we did not have any program so that we could give everyone as much time to chat and enjoy the food. (This was actually quite similar to our wedding in the US last August — we had a moderate number of guests, and we did not have much in our program either, not even things like bouquet tossing or cake cutting. All we wanted to do was to make sure everyone had enough time to eat, catch up, dance, and have a good time. Perhaps it was because we reached a certain age, or because it was getting harder for everyone to get together, we cut out as many formalities as we possibly could so that we could all spend quality time together.) Our reception was very warm and personal. Although we kept everything simple, I hopped freely from one table to another to catch up with my friends, family, and teachers, which made me extremely happy. My dad said he didn’t prepare for his toast, but when he talked about all the things I did at different stages of my life, including details that I had forgotten myself, I was deeply touched. My parents have been very hands-off since I was a child. Therefore, I am very used to dealing with things myself and bothering them as little as possible. After I came to the US, I only got to spend a few weeks with my parents every year. I didn’t realize that my dad actually knows and remembers so many things about me. At our reception, he told our guests an incredible story. The heroine of the story was me, and the current (temporary) ending of the story was what my dad said to me, “We never have to worry about you.” (I guess my stage presence and story-telling abilities all came from my dad.) Many people think I am just like my mom. During our reception, many of her family and old friends told me I looked exactly like my mom when she was young in my wedding dress and makeup. God knows how much I wish she had been there with us at the reception. We took into account her personality and preferences when we planned for the reception, and I am sure she would have really enjoyed it if she had been there.
I accomplished a lot of things during my trip to Taiwan, especially our wedding photos and receptions — now I finally feel like I have completed the process of “getting married” that started in August 2020. My dad said his biggest blessing for Steve and I is that he never worries about us — this is perhaps also the best thing I can do for him as a daughter who has been living in a foreign country for over a decade. I will continue to make sure that all of my family and friends in Taiwan and my mom in Heaven will never have to worry about me.
