最近不知為何，常常想起我的高中歲月。平心而論，高中並不算是我最耀眼的時光——在高中畢業後的人生裡，我翻越了更高的山峰、找到了更大的舞台、打磨出了更璀璨的光芒——但是那段青澀懵懂又滿腔熱血的年華，卻總是有一種說不出的柔軟、道不清的美好。
畢業十幾年了，高中生活的記憶在我腦海中只剩下一個模糊的輪廓。我只能從當年流水帳般的網誌中拼湊出那段青蔥歲月的點點滴滴，但是我卻從未忘記我的幾大主旋律：競賽、十八班、頂著班導的壓力走出了自己的路。（中女儀隊也是一段萬水千山縱橫的主旋律，但是2019年百年校慶後寫過了，此處暫且按下不表。）因為記不清高中生活的細節，我對高中的懷念主要是基於當這些主旋律在我心底響起時，它們帶給我的「感覺」。我想到高中的時候嘴角會漾起笑，通常不是因為想起了某件特定的事（或許八婆過海的綠島是個例外），而是因為想起了高中時的「感覺」。有時候，我甚至覺得我現在的很多想法和行為都可以一路追溯回高中——或許那關鍵的三年已將我的人格拉成了一個坯子，日後的成長，就是在那個素坯上雕刻、彩繪、上釉、燒窯。
會常常想起競賽，我其實挺意外的。我的競賽生涯並不算長，高一下在地科能力競賽嶄露頭角，但是高二卻因為無法同時兼顧競賽和學校課業、國外考試、頻繁的儀隊表演而在競賽中連遭滑鐵盧。高二下我果斷放棄所有科學競賽，轉戰英文即席演講，一來我可以靠著一點小天賦達到事半功倍的效果，二來可以順便準備托福口試——當時這種一石二鳥的機會可是十分難得的。（以前想到我競賽的經歷，感到最多的其實是挫敗和難堪。雖然即席演講的戰績輝煌，但是身在十八班，我總覺得我在投機取巧、搶文組飯碗。現在我能心平氣和地寫下當年的失敗和彆扭，或許真的是長大了吧？）短暫的競賽生涯在我身上留下了兩道痕跡：一是我珍惜路上遇到的同伴更甚於戰勝對手，因為跟我一起準備競賽的同伴們讓我成為了更好的我，而我最終要戰勝的人，只有自己。（許多年以後，我才發現能遇到跟自己旗鼓相當、英雄惜英雄的人，並和他們一起熱血逐夢，是一件多麼痛快卻又多麼難得的事。）二是競賽讓我學會了如何認定一個目標，然後朝著目標全力以赴。若是成功，慶祝後要找下一個目標，永遠不要停止挑戰自己；若是失敗，要趕緊調整好心態，從過程中汲取教訓，為自己找一條成功機率更大的路。我往後人生的所有追求，基本上都是沿著這個路線走的。
十八班是我高中生活中最絢爛的色彩。入學前，我聽說了許多歷屆數理資優班的恐怖故事：競爭壓力極大、各種勾心鬥角層出不窮、同學之間殺到刀刀見骨、家長們為了幫女兒搶資源鬧到校長室……等等，不一而足。入學後，不知是其他人太過危言聳聽還是我們太過幸運，上述的可怕情景一個都沒有出現；我們班相親相愛、和諧融洽地一直到畢業。班上的競爭當然是激烈的，因為大家都要考醫學系電機系、都要參加競賽，但是給我的感覺總是「揖讓而升，下而飲，其爭也君子。」每次有人參加比賽，總是全班出動幫忙加油。我自己準備比即席演講時，每一節英文課全班都花十分鐘聽我練習給我建議，比賽當天即使全班在去建中的路上也要從巴士上打電話幫我加油。考大學時，全班互相鼓勵著唸書準備學測、一起做備審資料，停課後青春阿桑團出遊，也是逢廟必拜、必捐香油錢，幫指考戰士祈福。十八班讓我看見了在競爭中如何保持風度和原則，而更多的時候，我們是團結一致的，無論是全班一致對外的軍歌比賽、健康操比賽，還是分組完成的音樂劇、科展，大家都為團體盡心盡力，我也深以身為團體的一份子為榮。畢業前青春阿桑團的三次旅遊，更是讓我十幾年來回味再三的亮點。畢業後的前幾年，我每年回台灣都一定要去台大宿舍蹭住，和十八姑娘們一起重溫我們的青春。後來因為家庭因素，我回台灣之後不大出門了，和大部分同學們的聯繫也漸漸淡了，但是每當我從臉書或是其他管道聽說當年的女漢子和女瘋子小姑娘們都成了幹練的都會麗人和堅強的母親時，我的心中總是掠過陣陣春風。
在十八班，雖然我跟同學們的感情很好，但是跟班導的關係一直很緊張。當年年輕氣盛，總覺得他處處針對我，現在想想，可能只是立場和價值觀不同罷了。我要加入儀隊，他認為會耽誤課業；我想申請國外大學，他覺得我不自量力；我高二成績退步，他暗示我自作自受。他教物理，我高中三年物理爛得一塌糊塗，後來乾脆直接放棄聽課，物理課都被我拿來背單字或補眠。現在的我當然不會這麼處理衝突，但是在那個心高氣傲、眼睛裡揉不進一點沙子的年紀，輕蔑比任何其他行為都更具殺傷力——老師對我的夢想嗤之以鼻、不看好我有能力達成自己的目標，對我的自尊心是十分沉重的打擊。當年梗著脖子跟他硬槓了三年就為了爭一口氣，現在想想或許有些意氣用事了，但是我還是慶幸自己沒有因為他的質疑而放棄夢想。父母、朋友（尤其是三酒）、幸娥老師的支持給了我底氣，讓我能堅持走自己的路，走到了自己想要到達的目的地、過自己想過的生活。現在我長大了、處事圓融了，很少和人死磕，也很少一開口就嗆人、讓人下不了臺了，但是骨子裡卻傲氣依舊：人生的每一個階段，我都在追逐著不同的夢想，過程中賞識我、願意給我機會的人，我為他們肝腦塗地、掏心掏肺；瞧不起我、認為我眼高手低的人，我一定會證明是他們看走了眼；三觀不合的人，則是道不同不相為謀。都說人生如戲，我從高中到現在，演得似乎都是同一個劇本。
從小到大看小說，我最喜歡看的一直都是草蛇灰線、伏脈千里。如果我的人生也是一部小說、所有事都有前因後果，那很多伏筆早在我高中時就埋下了。有時候碰到了困局（或是自己一些匪夷所思的行為），只要想到高中時的自己，就會豁然開朗。高中畢業之後，每一個階段我都在變成更好的自己，但是在追憶往昔時，最常想到的還是高中的，或許是因為在高中三年認識我的人，見證了我的人格拉坯成型的過程，他們見過釉彩底下，素坯最初成型時的模樣。期許自己，不忘初心。
For some reason, I have been thinking about my high school years a lot lately. To be fair, I was not the most dazzling version of myself in high school. After I graduated, I found bigger stages, accomplished more impressive things, and shone more brightly than I ever did in high school. However, those salad days filled with passion, innocence, and idealism have a special place in my heart — they always feel incredibly soft and beautiful.
It has been over ten years since I graduated from high school, and all that is left of my high school memories is a blurry outline. Had it not been for my rambling blogs, many details in those youthful years would have been lost forever. Even so, I have never forgotten the main themes: competitions, my class, and blazing my own trail despite my teacher’s objection. (THG was also a beautiful main theme, but I wrote about it already after our epic performance on my high school’s 100th anniversary, so I won’t elaborate on it for now.) Since I don’t remember a lot of the details, my nostalgia for high school is mainly based on how I “feel” when I hear these main themes in my heart. When I think of my high school days, I smile usually not because I think of a specific thing (perhaps our trip to Green Island was an exception), but because I feel how I felt back then. Sometimes I even feel like many of my current thoughts and behaviors can be traced all the way back to high school — perhaps those critical three years threw my personality into a porcelain blank, and all my growth after that are like carving, painting, glazing, and kiln firing the blank.
I am actually quite surprised at how often I think of my high school competitions, as my competition career was not that long. I made a name for myself in earth science competitions towards the end of my first year. In my second year, however, I was unable to balance science competitions with school work, US college admission exams, and frequent THG performances. After failing repeatedly, I decided to give up on science competitions and switched over to English impromptu speech competitions. This way, I could rely on a little bit of my talents to double my results with half the effort, and this could also help me prepare for my TOEFL oral exam — back then, an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone like this was very rare and desirable. (When I think of my competition records, I used to feel frustrated and embarrassed for the most part. Although I did really well in impromptu speech, I felt like I was being opportunistic and “cheating” by competing in humanities as a STEM student. Perhaps I have matured a lot since then now that I can acknowledge and write openly about my failures and awkwardness.) My short competition career left two deep marks on me. First, I care a lot more about the companions I met along the way than the final victory. Those who prepared for the competitions with me made me a better person, and by the end of the day, the only person I had to beat was myself. (Many years later, I finally realized how difficult it is to find people with similar minds, matching capabilities, and mutual respect. Pursuing my dreams together with them was such a great pleasure.) Secondly, competitions taught me how to set a goal and give it my all. If I succeed, I shall celebrate, find my next goal, and never stop challenging myself. If I fail, I shall quickly adjust my mindset, learn from the process, and find myself a path with a higher chance of success. All of my pursuits in life since then have basically been following this pattern.
My class painted the most splendid colors in my high school life. Before I enrolled, I heard many horror stories about previous classes of my program: the extreme competitiveness, students sabotaging each other, parents fighting in the principal’s office over resources for their daughters…etc. Not sure if it was because these stories were overexaggerated or if I got extremely lucky, none of the above happened to our class. Our time together was filled with love and harmony. To be fair, the academic competition was fierce since everyone wanted to get into medical school or electrical engineering, and we all participated in science competitions. However, it all felt like what Confucius said, “You bow and exchange courtesies with your opponent before entering the range and enjoy drinks with them after leaving it. Even when engaged in competition, you remain a leader.” Every time when someone participated in a competition, everyone in our class would cheer her on together. For example, when I was preparing for my impromptu speech competitions, our class spent ten minutes in every English session listening to me practice and giving me feedback. On the day of my finals, my class was on their way to Taipei for a science fair, and they called me from the bus together to wish me good luck. When we were preparing for our college admission exams, we studied together, wrote our essays together, practiced for interviews together, and never stopped encouraging each other. After classes ended in May, a small group of us traveled around Taiwan together, and whenever we came by a temple, we always made donation and prayed for those who were still studying for the Advanced Subjects Test in July. My classmates taught me how to stay graceful and stand by my principles even when we were competing with each other. Most of the time, we were united — from inter-class competitions to small-group projects within the class like our musical and science fair, everyone did her best for the group, and I was so proud to be part of the team. Further, our three trips together before graduation were the cherry on the cake — I can’t help but keep reminiscing about these trips over and over in the past thirteen years. During my first few years after graduation, I would always crash at my classmates’ dorm at NTU and relive our youthful days together. A few years later, I mainly stayed at home when I went back to Taiwan for family reasons. As a result, I slowly lost contact with many of my classmates. However, whenever I see my classmates’ life updates on Facebook, or learn from other channels that the crazy girls and tomboys young ladies back in the days have grown into capable professionals and/or strong mothers, I always feel a warm spring breeze blowing through my heart.
Although I had great relationships with my classmates, there was a lot of tension between me and my teacher. Back then I was young and prideful, so I thought he was always holding something against me. Now that I think of it, perhaps we just had very different values and perspectives. When I joined THG, he thought I would be distracted from schoolwork. When I told him I wanted to apply to colleges abroad, he thought I was biting more than I could chew. When my grades dropped in my second year, he hinted that it was self-inflicted. He taught physics, yet physics was my worst subject in high school. I could barely understand anything in his physics classes, so I eventually gave up and either memorized vocabulary or caught up on sleep in his classes. As a sharp and proud teenage girl, contempt was more hurtful than anything else. Therefore, when my teacher scoffed at my dreams and didn’t think I had the ability to achieve my goals, it was a huge blow to my self-esteem. I fought with him for three years just to prove that he was wrong. Now that I think about it, perhaps I was a bit more impulsive than I should have been, but I am glad that I did not give up on my dreams simply because of his doubts and distrust. The support from my parents, friends, and Chinese teacher gave me the courage to blaze my own path, until the day I finally arrived at my destination, living the life I want to live. I have matured and gotten a lot better at handling interpersonal relationships since high school, but my pride deep down remains. I have been chasing different dreams at different stages of my life. For those who appreciate me and are willing to give me opportunities, I give them all I have. For those who look down on me and doubt my capabilities, I will always prove them wrong. For those who have very different values from mine, I part ways with them. If life is a play, perhaps I have been following the same screenplay since high school.
I love to read stories with a lot of foreshadowing. If my life is a novel and everything can be traced back to a source, then most of the foreshadowing already started when I was in high school. Sometimes when I am stuck in a dilemma (or when some of my behaviors seem to be bizarre), things usually start to make more sense when I reflect on who I was, or what I would have done, in high school. After I graduated from high school, I became a better person at every new stage of my life. Although I was not the best version of myself in high school, I still reminisce about my high school days a lot. Perhaps it is because those who knew me in high school saw how my characters were shaped — they are the ones who have seen the porcelain blank beneath all the colors and glaze. Hopefully I will never lose what I’ve got underneath.
