I will never forget my lab group meeting on Monday, January 30, 2017. Kate asked us to take a few minutes to write down what is on our mind — “Just anything.” I saw my colleagues pick up their pens and start to write with flying strokes. I thought I would do the same, but instead, I froze for a little while before I could start writing.
What has been on my mind? I have been expressive about my thoughts my entire life, but since last November, I have been censoring myself carefully: I rarely posted about causes that I care about; I tweeted news I read without adding any personal comments; I occasionally liked my friends’ post on Facebook when I really just couldn’t hold back; I never participated in any rally, march, and demonstration. Before I do or say anything, I ask myself, will this be used against me in the future? Is there a greater-than-zero chance that this will prevent me from finishing my PhD at Stanford? If the answer were yes or maybe, I wouldn’t say or do it. I have always taken pride in my discipline, but I found self-censoring 24/7 is one of the most exhausting and draining things I have ever done.
When I was asked to write down whatever is on my mind, all of a sudden I didn’t know what to do. I have been holding back my thoughts for so long and my mind has been like a boiling flask with too many reactants. Where do I even start? As a foreigner, I am no longer sure if it is appropriate to talk about my opinions given the current circumstances, so I am just going to tell my stories about the America that I know. Although I am not white, male, wealthy, from an upper socioeconomic class or an American citizen, I am privileged in a sense that I have had the opportunity to study at two of America’s best universities. I understand that my experience does not necessarily represent the struggling of other communities, but everything I am about to say is from the bottom of my heart.
To some extend, I am not completely unfamiliar with what it feels like to be alienated. Growing up in Taiwan as a descendant of Mainlanders, I am aware of the tension between people with different heritages in Taiwan caused by our history. Mainlanders are often the targets of hate speech. Although I understand that when the National Government retreated from Mainland China to Taiwan, they were extremely corrupted and killed a lot of innocent people from the local communities, the majority of soldiers who came with the government are just ordinary people. They defended the country against Japanese invasion (and so-called the Asian Holocaust), they were forced to follow the government to Taiwan and part from their families in Mainland China, and when retaking Mainland slowly became an impossible mission, they went and built all of our infrastructures, educated our kids, and became part of our economic miracle. Therefore, my heart hurts every single time when I read about hate speeches or deeds against veterans and Mainlanders. Thankfully, Taiwan has been a society with relatively high tolerance (at least up until 2016), not only towards heritage, but also towards gender, race, culture, and political standings. In addition, I am fortunate enough to be born to a loving family with Mainland, Hakka, and Hokkien heritages. Therefore, except for a few incidents that made me feel alienated and doubt my identity, overall I would say I grew up in a diverse, harmonic, and tolerant community where we all live in peace with our differences.
When I was in high school, I was inspired to study in America for college because America is the exemplar of all the values we cherish in Taiwan. America is the most powerful advocate for democracy, freedom, and equality; America has the strongest economy; America has top-notch science and technologies that change the world we live in every day; America has the most diverse culture and population; America attracts the brightest and the most intelligent minds from all over the world. Back then I did not think much about what I wanted to do with my life after college. I simply dreamed about learning from the best, expanding my horizons, and exploring the parts of the world and humanity that I never knew about before. Northwestern was my dream came true. I had the opportunity to become friends with people from all over the world and learn about their lives. Many of my American professors have been vouching for me beyond Northwestern even though I am not American; my favorite linguistics professor is gay; my mentor who taught me how to do research from scratch is a white Protestant from the upper Midwest; my lab had over 50% female; my CA supervisor who really changed my life is half-Mexican; I have been to so many religious gathering for Christianity, Islam, Hinduism and Bahai faith that I realized by the end of the day all religions are teaching us the same thing: how to be a good person and live a good life. Can these people tell that I am a foreigner? Absolutely. Have they tried to alienate me? Absolutely not. Instead, they were curious about my culture (and occasionally made harmless jokes), valued my inputs just as much as anyone else’s, and embraced me as part of their communities regardless of my skin color, gender, and nationality. I was able to learn, thrive, and succeed. I was living my own American dream: I worked hard, and I graduated in 4 years with a Master’s degree, two Bachelor’s degrees, and admission offers from 9 out of the 10 top chemistry PhD programs in the US and UK I applied to. Throughout this process, everyone around me, regardless of their race, ethnicity, gender, and religion, supported me and I know I could not have accomplished what I did without them. By the time I graduated, I have concluded that I love America (particularly the Midwest) – I love her openness, diversity, meritocracy, and I am ultimately grateful for all the values that I have learned in America. (This is why I wrote my only Facebook post related to politics since the election: I do not believe that all those who voted for President Trump agree with every single word he said or are bigots. They are just forced to make a difficult choice because they could only vote on candidates, not on individual policies the candidates proposed or things the candidates said. I can very much sympathize with their dilemma because Taiwan just went through a similar election at the beginning of 2016. Having experienced so many elections and transitions of power in Taiwan, part of me hoped that most of the hostility would go away after the election, just like how it has always been in Taiwan. I could never have imagined things would become how they are today.)
I turned down the Clarendon Scholarship from Oxford so that I could stay in America for graduate school. I cried when I made the decision because I have been dreaming about going to Oxford my entire life. Nonetheless, I knew I did the right thing because I have grown to love America during my time at Northwestern. In addition, my parents, who both got their PhDs from Oxford, said that comparing to the UK, America has higher tolerance for foreigners. Indeed, after I came to Stanford, I have been experiencing the same kind of diverse and welcoming community as I did at Northwestern. I had to jump through some hurdles, but most of them were not related to my nationality, gender, race, or culture. For the most part, I have continued to make friends with people from all over the world, challenge myself intellectually across different disciplines, and have the freedom to travel around for my research. In addition, I fell in love for the first time in my life, and I thank America for all the wonderful experiences she has granted me. It is extremely difficult for me to digest everything that has happened in the past week in the country that taught me how to love – it feels like the world is upside down.
I entered America on a valid student visa, and I am studying at Stanford legally. During my seven and a half years in America, I have never been a threat or a liability to the country. I have been paying taxes since my sophomore year and I have never committed a crime. In fact, I feel confident saying that I have always been an asset to my community. When I was at Northwestern, I pushed the boundaries of science in my research group, taught science to American kids through at least 3 outreach programs, and built a positive community for American and non-American residents in a residential hall that used to be depressing. When I am at Stanford, I continue to push the boundaries of science, advocate for graduate students’ wellbeing, and help fix problems in the Stanford Hospital. I believe most international students are like me – while we benefit from America’s top education institutes, we contribute our knowledge and skills to make these institutes great as well. The government said that it is only targeting illegal immigrants, but when the travel ban was announced last Friday, it hurt me just as much. It is not about whether my country is included in the ban or not; it about the message behind the ban: I am a foreigner and I am not welcomed here. Given the number of executive orders that have already been signed in the past week, I couldn’t help but start wondering: will our lab get funding to do our environmental research? Will I be able to travel to CLS for our beam time in June and come back safely? Will I be able to make my annual trip home to see my family in Taiwan? Will I be able to finish my PhD at Stanford? Will I be able to be with the person I love? If I have kids in the future, will I be able to teach them the values of generosity, freedom, love, and equality that I firmly believe in my entire life?
Multiple people have told me that no matter what happens, I will be fine. I appreciate how they try to comfort me, but I feel a deep sense of melancholy whenever I hear “you will be fine.” I know I will be fine. I am smart, I work hard, I speak two languages fluently, I have degrees from top US universities, I know how to do research in at least 3 different fields and I have tons of other experience under my belt. If America shuts the door, I will be able to take my skills and contribute to another community. Economically, I will be fine. Personally, my heart will shatter into thousands of pieces. It’s not just about me being fine. It’s about those who I will have to leave behind, especially those who are not going to be fine. It’s about the collapse of a value system that I have firmly believed in my entire life. It’s about no longer being able to recognize the country that has taught me so much and one that I have always respected. I have always enjoyed studying history, and all of the greatest countries and civilizations in the past have one thing in common: they had highly tolerant societies. During two of the most prosperous Chinese dynasties, the Tang Dynasty and the first half of Qing Dynasty, China opened its doors to the rest of the world. When it decided to close the doors, the Opium War happened, followed by a series of invasions that drew China into deep poverty and misery, which still impacts us to some extend up to now. Therefore, I have always believed that people of any great civilization should be able to live in peace with their differences rather than creating chaos. Having been in America for almost eight years, I believe this is what makes America so great and Americans so proud to be Americans, and why everyone else respects America as the leader of the free world. What has happened in the past week really challenged everything I know (or rather I thought I knew) about America. It deeply saddens me when I think of people I care about who have been directly hurt, and the communities that have been torn apart. It scares me when I think of the uncertain future of myself and the rest of the world.
In the midst of all the turmoil, however, I have truly been touched by how people around me have stood up to defend their values and how they have supported me. Therefore, no matter where I end up in the future, I think I will always be grateful for America. After all, America gave me the best education I could ever ask for, and I know with my education and skills, I will be able to make the world a better place than when I found it. (In fact, I think I have already been working on it.) America also brought some of the greatest people into my life, and I know I will cherish our friendship forever no matter where I am in the world. America has taught me some very valuable lessons through this election, although some lessons are very difficult. Hardship unites people, and sometimes brings out the best of us. I don’t know what will happen in the future, and I won’t be able to stop myself from fearing and stressing, but I know I will always be grateful for my education and experience, and for the people who have touched my life in such incredible ways in America. I hope that at the end of the day, my American friends will continue to be proud of being Americans, and my non-American friends will feel safe and be proud of being who they are. For everyone who has lit up a light in my life, I will always be thankful for you and will be thinking of you no matter where I am in the world.