(English never captures my feelings and thoughts as well as Chinese does, but since this is written in tribute to Northwestern, I thought I would write in her language.)
Just a few days away from my departure. My boxes were shipped and my room is mostly packed up now. As I am getting ready to leave Evanston, I find it very difficult to believe that I have already spent four years at Northwestern. I still remember so clearly how excited I was when I first set foot on campus on my 18th birthday — I had seen so many gorgeous pictures of Northwestern in all the brochures that the Admission Office sent me, and when I was finally here, everything just looked so much better than the pictures. Back then I did not know I was about to begin the most amazing four years in my life — even in my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined what wonders and miracles Northwestern was about to grant me.
In my freshman year, even the most trivial things, such as leaves turning red in autumn and the first snowflake in the winter, excited me. I explored, I made friends, and I tried to find my place at Northwestern. This was the first time I realized that the world is so much bigger than I thought. From my classes, I learned about knowledge that generations and generations of brilliant people had been contributing to; from my friends, I learned about their cultures, languages, religions, and lifestyles. All my friends are so talented and smart in their own ways, and I enjoyed every moment I spent with them. My horizons were expanding at an incredible speed, and my heart was filled with joy from all the new exposures.
Sophomore year was perhaps the most important turning point for me because I joined the Meade Lab. I spent some of my happiest moments in college in this lab, and I met some of the smartest, kindest, and most amazing people I ever met in my life. I learned chemistry that I would never have learned in any class, I learned to think like a scientist, and I learned about everything in life. I explored my options and found my passion. I developed a strong sense of belonging to the unique, supportive community in the lab, and I absolutely love how people in the lab take care of my like big brothers and big sisters — I never had big siblings before, but I found them in the Meade Lab. Two and a half years later, this lab opened up more doors for me that I could ever imagine. When I think back, I still do not know what led me to the Meade Lab in the June of 2010, and what made the lab accept me, but whatever it is, I thank it wholeheartedly. The Meade Lab lit up my entire year, but of course life cannot be perfect. This year unfortunately ended with a bitter strike: as silly as it might sound, it was the first time I realized that people who I thought were friends could hurt me in terrible ways. But I survived. I learned my lesson and became more careful about people around me. In order to walk out of the shadows, I tried even harder to thrive at Northwestern. I moved on.
Junior year was perhaps my busiest year. With all the chemistry major requirements, it was the first time I felt so challenged by my classes. My classes were difficult and often frustrating, but they taught me what chemistry (and many other things) is like in reality — what works on paper does not always work in real life, and I just have to find some way to make things work. I made more friends, and I learned to work with them. By the end of the year, I felt prepared for my internship at Amgen and other challenges I might encounter in my scientific career. At the same time, I became a CA, an experience that changed me way more than what I expected. I met some extremely creative, talented, active, considerate, and motivated people on the staff, and once again I was amazed by how people at Northwestern are brilliant in so many different ways. I learned from my supervisor, who later became a mentor and a friend, that it is okay to be an introvert, and that I should focus my energy more on utilizing my strengths than fixing my weaknesses. I became more confident, outspoken, and a better team player. I also learned to make use of all the campus resources that I never knew in the past two years. Especially those talks in the Buffett Center — they taught me so much about what is going on outside of chemistry, outside of science, outside of Northwestern, outside of America.
Senior year was unique in its own way. After my first bit of real life experience at Amgen, I finally decided to go to graduate school to pave my way better — I love how science interacts with the real word, but instead of being a technician, I want to be at a position where I can actually make a difference. My short-term goal was set, yet the year started off with a strange dynamic. Although I did start something new, such as my work at the Adler Planetarium and other outreach activities, most things were old: second year as a CA, third year in the Meade Lab, third year as a GSW facilitator, and fourth year as a Northwestern student. I was applying to graduate school, and I knew enough graduate students that I felt this route was relatively predictable. Just when I thought everything would follow the patterns that I already knew, and that my senior year would go by without many surprises, I was proven wrong because someone showed me I could do better than what I was already doing. It was the first time I realized that it is okay to think that I still have a lot of room for improvement no matter how good or how accomplished others think I am. What matters is my opinions on myself — if I think I am not good enough, I should just go ahead and work hard to meet my own standards. I used to enjoy challenging myself to be the best person I can be, but I might have dropped this attitude somewhere between junior winter and senior fall, perhaps because I was too exhausted or frustrated. Thankfully, I found it again, and it has made all the differences. Once again, I found joy and excitement in things that I have already done many times by trying to do them better every time, and senioritis was kept outside of my domain.
After I submitted my graduate school applications, I was very fortunate to spend my first winter break at home — three weeks of family, friends, food, and love. I was refueled for my last six months at Northwestern. (When I left home, I thought it would be a long way until the next time I go home. I could not have been more wrong — graduation is right at the corner.) The first month back at Northwestern passed by in waiting and anxiety, but I am grateful that my friends and the Meade Lab walked together with me. Thankfully, the results turned out to be great, and I started to travel in late February. I went to Madison, San Diego, San Francisco, Pasadena, Boston, and New York in five weeks. The hassle of traveling drained me, but my trips were extremely eye-opening. Although my traveling schedule messed up with everything I had at Northwestern, I did not regret planning my trips this way at all. It was really fun to see all the different big cities, and I came to the realization that how blessed I am to be near Chicago — out of all cities I have been to, Chicago has the most charming personality, and I cherished my remaining days here more than ever. I was introduced to all kinds of cutting-edge research in these top-tier institutes and I probably learned more chemistry in these five weeks than all my senior year combined. I started to realize how great Northwestern’s Chemistry Department is, and how other schools are doing some research that we are not good at — I learned to be proud and humble. On these visits, I interacted with some of the most brilliant scientists of our time, and I was extremely excited about the vision of placing myself among them and do great things like them in the future.
Meanwhile, the Clarendon Scholarship from Oxford was a pleasant but heartbreaking interlude. My parents have been my role models for my entire life. They both went to Oxford and they had me there, so Oxford has always been a symbol that inspires me to dream big and work hard like them. When I applied, I never thought Oxford would admit me, not to mention giving me a prestigious full scholarship. When I got the scholarship offer letter, all my plans seemed to go off suddenly. I was in the middle of traveling, and I had three days to decide if I wanted to go to Oxford. It was perhaps the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. Oxford is my inspiration and my childhood dream, and I finally had the opportunity to be like my parents, the figures that I have always been looking up to. However, with all the information about research, industry, culture, and economy overall, I know I will be better off if I stay in America for graduate school. It was the hardest battle I ever had between my heart and brain. By the end, my brain won. I refused to bring it up for over a month. However, I knew I made the right decision because if my heart had really insisted, I would have been getting ready for the UK right now. Even my subconscious knew what is best for me. I finally learned that what I used to want the most might not be the same as what I thought it would be, and that it might not be the best option for me anymore. It was not an easy lesson to learn, but it is an important part of growing up. By the end, I decided that in my mind Oxford will always be a land of beautiful dreams and inspirations. I want to be like my parents, but what made them so great is not only where they got their degrees from, but most importantly, their personalities, attitudes, and visions, and these are what I am going to be working on. Although I am not going to Oxford, I know I have realized a dream because Oxford recognized my ability: I have concluded one stage of my life and I am ready to move on.
After that, every other decision became easier. I decided on Stanford, and I went back to my normal school life. Everyone says senior year spring should be the happiest and easiest quarter. My senior spring was by no means easy or relaxing, but it was indeed very happy. Being done with most chemistry requirements, I was able to take classes in brand new fields. I had to try really hard and I struggled in these new classes, especially for computational linguistics because I did not know how to program. However, being introduced to new areas of knowledge and solving complicated problems made me really, really happy. I was excited about everything I was learning; I found more motivation to continue challenging myself; I felt extremely fulfilled with every learning goal achieved. Perhaps as a senior, I did sacrifice some time to hang out with friends, but I knew I was enjoying Northwestern until the last minute. None of my time here has gone to waste, and I have absolutely no regrets about anything I did in my last quarter.
One of the most important things I learned from this last quarter is how to get along well with myself. I have always known that I am an introvert — I enjoy solitary, and I like to focus on the things that I am doing. However, sometimes I was embarrassed to admit to my friends that I prefer reading and working to going out on Friday nights, and that I would rather go for a run on my own than getting ice cream or go shopping with a group of people. After spending so much time and effort learning new things from classes this quarter, I suddenly realized that this is simply who I am, and I do not have to be embarrassed about it. Just like what a friend was joking about earlier, HT stands not only for “Hsiao-Tieh” but also for “heavy thinker.” Indeed, thinking gives me lots of energy — I enjoy focusing my energy and thoughts on my tasks; I gain more pleasure from accomplishing things more than anything else; I think books and knowledge are the best companions. I know it, I am fine with it, and therefore there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Others might not agree with me, but it should not matter because by the end of the day, I am responsible for my own life and the decisions I make, and therefore I will do what I truly love to do because this is the only way I can be my best self. Most importantly, I know I will never feel lonely for the rest of my life: there is so much to learn out there in the world that I can never finish learning them, and as long as I keep on learning, I will continue to feel fulfilled, and knowledge will keep me company. This might or might not lead to more wealth or a more successful career, but I know my heart will be very content. I am really glad that I came to this realization before I leave Northwestern — in the past four years I have been exploring who I am and what I like from classes, friends, professors, and everything else I did at Northwestern, and I finally found my answers within myself.
Looking back, I got everything I have ever wanted out of my college education from Northwestern. Four years ago when I just graduated from high school, I was not completely aware of how excellent of a school Northwestern is. Four years later, I could not find words to express how much I appreciate this place and the wonderful people that I have met here. If I could go back in time, I would make the exactly same decisions at every stage at Northwestern. I have no regrets and I could not ask for anything better. There are too many people and things to thank, so I thank the invisible thread that connects me to Northwestern, and may this thread never break. I will always remember my time at Northwestern as the most beautiful four years in my life — Northwestern has placed me at a much higher position than four years ago to achieve my goals and realize my dreams. I am very excited to start the next stage of my journey, but no matter where I am in the world, I will forever be a Northwestern wildcat.
Goodbye Northwestern, and thank you.