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Mt. Shasta is a volcano in Northern California. Soaring to 14,179 ft, it is the second tallest peak in the Cascades after Mt. Rainier. I have been to the surrounding areas multiple times — Lassen, Trinity Alps, Lake Shasta, Castle Crag, Lava Beds, and even Mt. Shasta’s trailhead itself in 2016. Every time I saw Mt. Shasta from afar, I was always awed by its magnificence and the way it towers over everything around it. In 2019, Camping Club proposed to climb Mt. Shasta as our next adventure, after having done so many big hikes together. I did some research and determined that we needed some time to prepare, as none of us knew how to backpack or mountaineer back then. However, before we could get ready, some of us left the Bay Area, and then COVID abruptly changed the trajectories of our lives. I put my Google Doc on Mt. Shasta away, thinking that I probably would never have a chance to climb it without my friends.

Last October, my climbing partner Omar and I were talking about all kinds of outdoor adventures after a long climbing session, and he asked if I wanted to climb Mt. Shasta. I immediately felt tears in my eyes — it is one of those moments that I probably will never forget. Yes of course I wanted to climb Mt. Shasta, not just because of how beautiful and challenging it is, but also because of all the sentiments I have around it. I have been missing my friends very badly since we parted in 2020. Mt. Shasta was something we wanted to do together, but if I am honest with myself, I know it probably will never happen given how our lives have diverged. When Omar brought up Mt. Shasta, I all of a sudden saw a spark of hope after thinking I had lost something precious forever, so I absolutely wanted to make it work. I dug out my Google Doc and did more research, and I tried to get stronger, hike more, and learn more about snow. I know Mt. Shasta is difficult and the summit has about a 33% success rate, so even if I don’t succeed, I want to be able to feel that I have done everything I could and give it my very best shot.

The preparation process was very fulfilling (and stressful because I am not as strong as the rest of my group, and I absolutely do not want to hold people back). Other than all the knowledge I gained and the fitness level I built up, the most important thing I learned is how to go with the flow a little better. In the past, when I went outside with Camping Club, I always had everything planned out. This is partially because of my personality, and partially because we’ve learned throughout the years that something will always go wrong when you go outdoors, so we might as well be ready for everything that is within our control. This way we can focus on dealing with the unknowns when we are actually out there. Mt. Shasta is different. For one thing, I was going with a different group with different personalities and dynamics. (Thankfully, I have been climbing with Omar and Burch for a while, and I fully trust them despite our different perspectives. And Steve is of course always on my side.) For another, the weather on the mountain is very unpredictable, making it very difficult to plan things out the way I am used to. The National Weather Service was forecasting thunderstorms and snow showers all week leading up to our trip, and I had no idea what to make of the forecast. We were leaving on a Thursday, and it wasn’t until late Wednesday night did we decide on meeting up at 6am the next day. We didn’t know what we would do once we get there either. Clearly not the way I am used to doing things, but I am glad that everything worked out eventually, and I hope this will give me more confidence to go with the flow for my future outdoor adventures. 

We left Fremont around 6:30am and arrived at the town of Mount Shasta late morning. We drove through many places I once visited with Camping Club, and when I finally saw the snow-covered Mt. Shasta and Shastina popping out from behind the Klamath Mountains on I-5, I felt incredibly excited because I have been looking forward to this for so long, yet I was very nervous at the same time because I knew it would be the hardest hike in my life thus far, and we still hadn’t decided on our itinerary yet. The weather looked clear — there were some clouds, but no signs of thunderstorms (yet), so we decided to hit the trail and get going. In the summer, there is usually a trail from the Bunny Flat parking lot to Helen Lake, but because of the record snowfall this year, the entire Avalanche Gulch route was covered in snow starting from the parking lot. The soft snow in the afternoon made everything much more difficult. By the time we arrived at Horse Camp, I was already quite tired. Omar was very thrilled and wanted to push for the summit right away, but he was outvoted by everyone else, so we decided to camp at Horse Camp for the night. It turned out to be quite pleasant — it felt as if we owned that place because we were the only ones there. We took our time to anchor our tents in the snow, ate dinner, and lay on the roof of the snow-buried hut to watch the mountain bathing in the setting sun. We saw a handful of people continue to push for Helen Lake (and criticized their beta). We got back to our tents before the thunderstorm hit.

Chilling at Horse Camp

I didn’t sleep well because it was extremely cold on the snow, and I kept hearing thunder and rain throughout the night. However, when I saw the sun coming out from behind the mountain the next morning, I had the energy to keep going. We packed up and marched towards Helen Lake. This section of the hike was steeper than what we did on the first day, but it was really cool to hike on the path that we saw from the rooftop the day before. I think this was the first time that I was connecting the topography and the map in my head as I hiked. We made it to Helen Lake around noon. Omar’s proposal to push for the summit on the same day got outvoted again, so we just pitched our tents, ate, melted snow (for drinking water), and hung out for a few hours. The view from Helen Lake was phenomenal. Mt. Eddy and the Klamath Mountains which looked so tall from I-5 were way below us, and the snow-covered mountain range looked wild. (They reminded me of all kinds of Chinese poetry I learned in school, and it was amazing to see how the literature from another continent concretize into the view in front of my very eyes.) Looking up, I could see giant volcanic rocks poking out from the snow and the Red Banks overlooking us. My heart and mind felt so open and I was fully in the moment — I couldn’t think of anything else other than the view in front of me and the experience getting up there. Nothing else mattered. 

Before a big outdoor endeavor, I usually try to get enough food and sleep. Unfortunately, before the summit push (i.e. the hardest hike in my life thus far), I barely had any rest. I didn’t eat dinner because I had no appetite (a sign of altitude sickness that I didn’t pick up). Although we tried to go to bed around 5:30pm, it was so windy and our tent was flapping so loudly that I couldn’t fall asleep. More people started to trickle into Helen Lake around 7pm. They were excited and loud, and I had to stick my head out of my tent to tell them to shut up. Even after it got dark and people quieted down, I still couldn’t fall asleep, probably due to a combination of excitement and discomfort. When my alarm went off at midnight, I felt malaise. I wanted to start the hike and end this painful insomnia, but I felt like I wouldn’t be able to summit based on how terrible I felt. It was pitch dark and freezing cold outside of the tent. I forced myself to eat something and got ready. We started our summit bid before 2:30am.

The section from Helen Lake to Red Banks was the hardest hike I have done. It was very steep (~1 mi with 2000 ft of elevation gain), dark, windy, and even snowed for a while. I was traversing the whole time and fell a few times because the visibility was so low even with a headlamp. It was a very weird experience — I was physically suffering so much and mentally scared, but when I looked up and see Cassiopeia coming up from behind the Red Banks, or looked back and see light from the Milky Way and the town of Mount Shasta, I was in so much awe, which drove some sort of exhilaration to keep me going. The hike got a little better as the sun started to come out, and when I saw the giant shadow behind me cast by the mountain, it gave me another push. I made it to the Red Banks around dawn and immediately threw myself into the first haven I found because I desperately needed a break from the wind. I was nauseous and my water tube started to freeze, but then I saw some Manitas trail mix dropped by Omar and Burch when they passed this spot earlier. That somehow made me laugh and I could get back on my feet again. 

The giant shadow cast by Mt. Shasta at sunrise

I met up with Steve before the Red Banks traverse, and he told me it was time for him to turn around. I started to panic because Steve has always been with me for all my big hikes. His support has been such an important part of my outdoor journey, and I didn’t think I could make it without him. I couldn’t decide what to do — part of me wanted to turn around with him because I was suffering so much, but the other part of me wanted to keep going because I knew physically I could. By the end, Steve gave me a nudge to go forward, “Just keep going for as far as you can, and turn around when you need to. There are other people on the trail. You will be okay.” I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want Steve to be worried, so I told him I would turn around by 11am no matter where I was at, and then we parted ways, for the first time in the wilderness. 

The sunrise behind the ridge was breathtaking. It gave me the courage to keep going by myself after Steve turned around. I was extremely scared when I did the Red Banks traverse because I was losing control of my body — my fingers holding my ice axe turned purple under my thick gloves and I couldn’t feel my toes — if I had slipped, I would have fallen into the snow bowl on the Konwakiton Glacier and I couldn’t have made it back out. I didn’t remember how I got through that section, and by the time I made it to the other side, my water tube froze completely. I tried to hold the first inch or so of the tube in my mouth to keep it somewhat warm so that I could at least have a sip, but that eventually stopped working. I started to feel hungry, but I was too nauseous to eat. I had to stop again at the base of Misery Hill, which turned out to be a blessing because I shared my resting spot with another group from Sacramento that ended up coming down from the summit with me. 

Sunrise at the ridge

There was no snow on Misery Hill and there was a real trail with switchbacks, but walking on rocks with crampons was extremely difficult. I thought about taking my crampons off, but I didn’t know if I could stand up again if I let myself sit. Misery Hill indeed brought me a lot of misery. At first, I had to stop every other turn, and then every turn, and then every few steps. Just when I was asking myself whether I should turn around, I saw a pink beanie and a blue beanie coming down from the ridge ahead of me — it was Omar and Burch coming back after they have summited. I have never been so happy seeing beanies in my life. When I met up with them, they gave me a big hug and told me I was almost there, so I managed to bust out some more energy to keep going. 

When I got to the top of Misery Hill, I saw one of the most majestic views I have ever seen in my life. The summit of Mt. Shasta was standing tall from afar. There was a wide, open snow field with a long track leading to the summit. There were only a few people on the track, giving me the illusion that I was in one of the most isolated corners of the world. My heart was bursting with all kinds of emotions: excitement, joy, awe, humility…etc. just to name a few. At that point, I was already hit pretty badly by altitude sickness (which I only found out in hindsight), but all I could hear was the mountain calling me, and I must go.

Mt. Shasta summit — one of the most majestic views I have ever seen

When I finally made it to the summit, it felt like a dream come true. The experience was exhilarating and surreal, and the view was absolutely ineffable. I spent about 20 minutes at the summit taking pictures, enjoying the view, bathing my face in the (still freezing) sun, and really appreciating the whole experience. I turned around before 10am, more than an hour ahead of the turnaround time I promised Steve. I joined that other group from Sacramento on my way down as a safety precaution. We glissaded most of our way down to Helen Lake — this is the same thing I did at Mt. Tallac with Camping Club in 2015. (It took me 7.5 hours to go from Helen Lake to the summit, and less than 2 hours to get back down). I met up with Steve at Helen Lake, packed up our camp, and started to make our way back to Bunny Flat. Hiking back down was challenging in its own way — I was already extremely exhausted, there was no more summit to motivate me, the snow was soft and slushy, and the weather was getting worse (I glissaded/walked into a whiteout twice). I could finally see why most mountaineering accidents happen on the way down. I really think Steve turned around so that I could summit and come back down safely. He was looking after me, taking extra weight from me, and encouraging me the whole way down. I couldn’t have made it down without him. 

Mt. Shasta summit

When we finally made it back down to the parking lot, everyone was so worn out that we decided to get dinner and drive straight back to the Bay Area (instead of staying near Mt. Shasta and getting some rest). According to Steve, I passed out right away after I got into the car after dinner, and I did not remember anything afterward. It was the most exhausted I have ever been my entire life, and surely an experience that I will never forget. 

After I came down from the mountain, the exhilaration continued and I have been reminiscing about the whole experience. The journey to Mt. Shasta is truly remarkable in many ways. It is an exceptional growth experience and I know I was really pushing my limits, both physically and mentally. Although I have been active for many years and have gone on some serious outdoor adventures, I never really considered myself to be fit or athletic. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t grow up with it, or because I have always been surrounded by people much better than me. When I first learned about what climbing Mt. Shasta entails, I didn’t think I could do it. I put a lot of effort into getting stronger, yet given how low my fitness baseline is, it is possible that I try my best and still not achieve the outcome I am hoping for, but I wanted to make sure I have absolutely no regret. When my alarm went off at 12am on our summit day, I thought I had no chance to summit without any sleep, and everything along the way — the biting wind, the blowing snow, the brutal cold, the painful altitude sickness, the many falls I took — continued to take tolls on me. The process was extremely grueling, but by the end of the day, I did achieve the outcome I wanted. Maybe I am more athletic than I think I am, or maybe my willpower is strong enough to make up for my fitness level (or maybe a little bit of both). There were a lot of things that I am scared of on this trip — cold, snow, altitude, unpredictable weather — but I decided to face them anyways, and I am proud of myself for doing so. Confidence and strength are built by facing what you fear, and I know every time I push my limits like this, I become a stronger and more confident person. 

Finally, an adventure like this doesn’t happen without good company. I can’t emphasize enough how grateful I am for Steve, Omar, and Burch. Steve has seen me come a long way since our first Half Dome hike in 2015. He takes care of me and is always supportive of whatever I decide to do (even though I often have stupid ideas). Even though he didn’t go to the summit with me this time, thinking of him gave me the courage to push forward, and he made sure I got back down safely after I almost collapsed when I got back to Helen Lake. I have only known Omar and Burch for less than a year. For those who know how cautious and picky I have been in the past, it probably sounds out of character that I decided to take on a big adventure with them so soon, but I think climbing together so much allows us to build trust quickly. I wanted to say it all started when I climbed outside for the first time at Hicks Road, when I got pulled into the water while lowering Burch after he cleaned an anchor. My brain froze and I had no way to get myself out. The only thing I remembered how to do was to lock my brake hand. Burch held tight onto the rock while Omar came to pull me out of the water and took over the belay. We debriefed afterward and talked about how to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I think from then I knew they would not leave me hanging. We have climbed together a lot more since then, both in the gym and outside, and I absolutely love the positive vibes. They inspire me to push myself to become a better climber, work on projects with me, teach me things about outdoor climbing, and are very forgiving of all kinds of mistakes I make. As we prepared for our Shasta journey, I could tell that they are not used to the way I do research and plan things out so extensively, but they put up with me and took some of my advice. They pushed me to learn to go with the flow and respond to what is happening in real-time. (I think we eventually strike a good balance.) I am thankful that they helped me complete something that I promised a group of people that I love and care deeply about, and we made our experience special in our own way. Good climbing partners and outdoor buddies are hard to come by. I am very fortunate to have very good people around me since I fell in love with the outdoors many years ago. I am incredibly grateful for them, and I will do my best to be a good partner for them as well. I am sure there are many more adventures out there awaiting us, and I can’t wait to fill our lives up with amazing experiences together. 

So much gratitude for the group that completed this quest with me #DreamTeam #Type2Fun

沙斯塔山是北加州的一座火山,海拔4,322 公尺,是喀斯喀特山脈中僅此於雷尼爾峰的第二高峰。我去過不少沙斯塔山周圍的區域——拉森火山、三一縣阿爾卑斯、沙斯塔湖、城堡峭壁、火山岩床,甚至是沙斯塔山的步道起點。每次我從遠方望見巍然聳立的沙斯塔山,我總是對她的壯麗和俾倪天下的氣勢感到無比地敬畏和讚嘆。2019年,在一起走過許多名山大川之後,我的朋友們提出要一起爬沙斯特山。查了一些資料之後,我認為我們需要花一些時間準備,因為當時我們都沒有背包露營和冬季登山的經驗。可惜在我們準備好之前,大家開始陸陸續續搬離了灣區,突如其來的新冠疫情更是打亂了我們的生活軌跡。我收起了我關於沙斯塔山的谷歌文檔,心想沒有我的朋友們,我大概不會有機會爬這座山了。

去年十月,我和一起攀岩的 Omar 暢聊著各種戶外探險時,他問我想不想爬沙斯塔山,我的淚水頓時不受控制地湧入眼眶——我想我大概永遠都不會忘記那一刻的激動。我當然想要爬沙斯塔山,不僅因為她美麗又充滿挑戰性,也因為我對她的回憶和感情。自從2020年我的朋友們離開灣區之後,我一直非常想念他們。我們曾經說過要一起爬沙斯塔山,但是如果我不自欺欺人的話,我知道我們大概不會一起完成這個壯舉了。Omar 跟我提起沙斯塔山時,那感覺就好像我以為我永遠失去一樣珍貴的東西之後,突然又找回來了。我翻出了之前的谷歌文檔、蒐集了更多資料、努力地鍛鍊身體、在灣區四處登山、學習野外雪地活動的相關知識。我知道沙斯塔山很困難,攻頂的成功率只有大約三分之一,所以即使我最後攻頂失敗,我至少希望自己能全力以赴、問心無愧。

我的準備過程非常充實(壓力也很大,因為我不像其他人那麼強壯,我也絕對不想拖大家的後腿)。除了獲得了大量的知識和提升了自己的體能之外,我覺得我學習到最重要的事就是如何更好地順其自然。以前我和我的朋友們去戶外時,我總是把一切計畫得好好的。這有一部分是因為我的個性使然,另一部分是因為我們從過去幾年的經驗中學習到,當我們人在野外時,一定會碰到意料之外問題。如果我們能為我們能掌控的一切事先做好準備的話,我們就可以集中精力應付真正的突發狀況。這趟沙斯塔山之旅和我以前的經驗都不同。一來這次跟我一起去的夥伴們不一樣(好在我跟 Omar 和 Burch 已經一起攀岩一陣子了,所以即使我們的個性和準備方式南轅北轍,我還是充分地信任他們,而 Steve 總是跟我同一陣線的。)二來山上的天氣變幻莫測,所以我也很難有什麼太縝密的計畫。在我們出發的前幾天,天氣預報一直說山上可能會下雪、有雷雨,而我只能乾巴巴地盯著預報,也不知道該如何調整我們的計畫。我們預定星期四出發,到了星期三深夜我們才決定隔天一早六點碰面,我們也不知道到了沙斯塔山之後,是直接開始爬還是先就地紮營休息一晚。如此無組織無計劃,顯然不是我習慣的方式,但是好在最後一切順利,我也希望這能讓我更有信心地迎接我未來的戶外探險。

我們大約早上六點半從佛利蒙出發,中午之前抵達了沙斯塔山腳下的小鎮,途中經過了許多我曾經和朋友們一起造訪過的地方。當我終於看見白雪皚皚的沙斯塔山和她的寄生火山從克拉瑪斯的群山後冒出頭來,我真的無法形容我當下的激動之情。但是我同時也很緊張,因為我知道這將是目前為止我爬過最困難的一座山,我們也壓根兒還沒決定我們到了之後的計畫。山上的天氣看起來還算晴朗,蔚藍的天空上有些積雲,但是還不像是有雷雨的樣子,所以我們到了Bunny Flat 步道起點的停車場之後,我們決定直接開始。一般來說,夏季融雪之後,從 Bunny Flat 到 Helen Lake 會有一條登山步道,但是因為今年破紀錄的降雪量,整條路線從停車場開始都還覆蓋著厚厚的積雪。在午後鬆軟的積雪中行進非常吃力,所以當我們抵達 Horse Camp 時,我已經非常疲憊了。Omar 依然興奮地想朝山頂衝鋒,但是被大家集體否決了,所以我們就在 Horse Camp 紮營休整。當天只有我們四個人,所以感覺好像那一整片雪地和森林都是我們的。我們悠哉地在雪地中搭好帳篷、吃晚飯,然後躺在幾乎被白雪掩埋的遊客中心的屋頂上欣賞著沐浴在夕陽下的沙斯塔山。我們看見了零星的幾個人還在奮力朝 Helen Lake 前進(並且批評了他們的行進路線)。我們在傍晚的雷雨來襲之前回到了我們的帳篷裡。

第一晚在 Horse Camp 紮營

我並沒有睡好,因為雪地上非常寒冷,整晚的雷聲和雨聲更是讓我膽戰心驚,但是當我看見朝陽從山峰背後升起、柔和的金光從山脊流瀉到帳篷下的雪地時,我又有了動力。我們拔營之後就繼續向 Helen Lake 前進,這一段路比前一天的路程更加陡峭困難,但是走在我們昨晚從屋頂上看到的路線是件很有趣的事,那大概也是我第一次一邊登山一邊在腦海中將地圖、路線、地勢串連在一起。我們在中午左右抵達 Helen Lake,Omar 還想直接攻頂,又被大家果斷地否決了,所以我們在 Helen Lake 紮營、吃飯、融雪(山上沒有自來水,所以所有飲用水都必須自己融)、打混。Helen Lake 的景色非常壯觀,頗有「蕩胸生層雲,決眥入歸鳥。會當凌絕頂,一覽眾山小」的氣魄,從五號公路上看起來高聳入雲的艾迪山和克拉瑪斯山脈,此時都遠遠地在我們的腳底下。抬頭望去,許多巨大的火山岩從雪中冒出頭來,看起來頗有幾分沉肅,山脊上赭紅色的 Red Banks 也倨傲地俯視著我們。我感到胸懷大暢、完完全全地沉浸在眼前的美景之中,滾滾紅塵中的所有煩惱在此刻都被我拋到了九霄雲外。

一般來說,在這種重大的戶外活動之前,我通常盡量吃好睡好。不幸的是,我前一個晚上已經沒有睡好了,這一個晚上則乾脆完全沒睡。我下午沒什麼胃口,所以睡前沒有吃晚餐(這是高山症的跡象,但是我當時沒有注意到)。我們下午五點半就進帳篷準備睡覺,但是 Helen Lake 的風實在是太大了,我們的帳篷被山風吹得獵獵作響,吵得我睡不著。晚上七點之後,越來越多人抵達了 Helen Lake,他們既興奮又吵鬧,逼得我不得不從帳篷中探出頭來請他們安靜些。即使天黑之後,人群漸漸安靜下來,我依舊無法入睡,也不知道是因為興奮還是身體不舒服。當我的鬧鐘在半夜響起時,我感到十分不適。我想要直接開始爬山,因為失眠實在是太痛苦了,但是我的狀態糟糕到我覺得我不可能成功攻頂。帳篷外還是一片漆黑、寒風刺骨,我強迫自己吃了些東西,凌晨兩點半之前開始攻頂。

從 Helen Lake 到 Red Banks 這一段是我這輩子爬過最難的山路——非常陡峭(雖然距離只有大約1.6公里,但是海拔增加了六百多公尺)、黑暗、風大,甚至還下了雪。我無法直行,只能不斷地在雪地裡橫切,我還摔倒了好幾次,因為能見度實在太低了,即使我有頭燈,我還是常常看不見自己在哪裡落腳。那真的是一段光怪陸離的體驗——生理上,我苦苦掙扎,心理上,我恐懼不已,但是當我抬頭看見仙后座從 Red Banks 後出現在夜空中時,或是回頭望見銀河系的熠熠星光和山下小鎮的燈火時,我又感到無比振奮。太陽出來之後,一切似乎變得稍微容易一些,當我看見沙斯塔山在我身後巨大的三角形投影,我又有了向前的動力。我在破曉時抵達 Red Banks,立刻就倒向了離我最近的避風的角落,因為山風吹得我頭疼。我開始覺得噁心想吐,水袋的吸管也開始結凍,但是我在地上看見了 Omar 和 Burch 在稍早經過這裡時掉落的(我幫他們準備的)什錦乾果——這讓我笑了,也讓我重新站了起來。

沙斯塔山在日出時的投影

我在 Red Banks 跟 Steve 碰頭時,他告訴我他準備回頭了。我感到驚慌失措,因為過去在野外他總是陪著我。沒有他,我真的不知道我還能走多遠。有一部分的我想跟著他一起掉頭,因為這段山路實在是太痛苦了,但是另一部分的我想繼續下去,因為我知道我還有體力。最後 Steve 輕輕推了我一把:「繼續往前吧!真的不行了再回頭。路上還有其他人,妳會沒事的。」我想哭,但是又不希望 Steve 擔心,所以我忍著眼淚告訴他無論我爬到哪裡,我最慢一定在11點之前回頭,然後我們第一次在野外分道揚鑣。

山脊上的日出美麗得令人屏息,也在 Steve 回頭之後給了我繼續向前的勇氣。從 Red Banks 橫切時,我十分害怕,因為我覺得我的身體已經不太受控制了——即使戴著厚厚的手套,我握著冰鎬的手指依然凍成了紫色,腳趾也漸漸麻木不仁——如果我失足落入 Red Banks 下的雪谷中,我可能再也爬不上來了。我不太記得我到底如何爬過那一段,而當我終於抵達 Red Banks 的另一側時,我的水袋吸管完全結冰了。我嘗試著將吸管最前端的幾公分含在口中,試圖讓它暖和點,也讓我能至少喝一口水,但是一切都徒勞無功。我開始感到飢腸轆轆,但是我卻噁心得完全吃不下。我在 Misery Hill 底下不得不又停下來,但是幸運的是,我把我的休息地點分給了另一個來自沙加緬度的團隊,後來他們陪著我下了山。

山脊上的日出

Misery Hill 上沒有積雪,我甚至看得見一條蜿蜒曲折的折返線,但是在嶙峋的火山岩上踩著冰爪實在是太困難了。我三番兩次考慮我是不是應該把我的冰爪拆掉,但是如果我坐下來拆冰爪的話,我不知道我究竟還站不站得起來。Misery Hill 果然名符其實地帶給我許多苦難。在那條折返線上,一開始我每轉兩個彎就要停下來稍事休息,後來每轉一個彎就要停,再後來乾脆每走幾步就得停下來喘好幾口大氣。就當我開始自問我是否應該掉頭時,我看見了一頂粉紅色和一頂藍色的小圓帽從我眼前的山脊上下來了——那是 Omar 和 Burch 在成功攻頂之後下山了。我這一輩子還沒有因為看見小圓帽而如此開心過。我跟他們碰頭後,他們給了我一個大大的擁抱,並告訴我我快到了,所以我又擠出了最後一些繼續向前的力氣。

我爬到了 Misery Hill 頂端時,我見到了一生中最令我震撼的壯麗景色:沙斯塔山的山頂在遠方靜靜地矗立著,一片遼闊的雪原在我眼前鋪開,雪地上的腳印從我腳下一路蜿蜒到了峰頂。雪原上只有零星幾個人,讓我有一種身在世外桃源(嚴格來說是世外雪原)的錯覺。我的心中迸發著各式各樣的情緒:興奮、喜悅、敬畏、謙卑……還有好多好多。其實當時我的高山症已經有些嚴重了(我事後才意識到),但是我只聽得見眼前的高峰聲聲地呼喚著我,而我必須繼續向前。

沙斯塔山的峰頂

當我終於成功攻頂時,我感覺我的夢想成真了。我到現在還無法形容當下那種如夢似幻的感受,以及眼前的龍蟠虎踞。我花了大約二十分鐘在山頂拍照、欣賞美景、讓(依然冰冷的)陽光輕撫我乾燥粗糙的臉頰,並且細細回味這一路走來的點點點滴滴。我在10點之前調頭下山,比我跟 Steve 約定的時間提早了一個多小時。為了安全起見,我加入了之前認識的沙加緬度登山團,跟著他們一起下山。過了沒有雪的 Misery Hill 之後,我們基本上是一路滑行回 Helen Lake 的,就像我2015年和朋友們從塔拉克山滑下來時一樣。(我花了七個半小時從 Helen Lake 爬到山頂,但是滑行下來只花了兩個小時。)我和 Steve 在 Helen Lake 碰頭、拔營、下山。下山比我想像中的困難許多——我早已身心俱疲、沒了攻頂時的動力,腳下的積雪又鬆又軟,我一邊走一邊不住地下陷,更糟糕的是,天氣開始惡化(我兩次滑進/走進了所謂的「白矇天」)——我終於明白為什麼絕大部分冬季登山的意外都發生在下山途中了。我真心覺得 Steve 當時在 Red Banks 果斷回頭是為了讓我能成功攻頂並安全下山。一路上他都小心地照看我、分擔我的負重,並且不斷地鼓勵我。如果沒有他,我大概無法平安下山。

沙斯塔山頂的景觀

當我們終於回到停車場時,大家都已經筋疲力盡了,所以我們決定吃完晚飯直接驅車回灣區(而不是在沙斯塔山附近再住一晚,禮拜天看看附近有什麼可以玩的)。Steve 說我基本上一上車就昏死過去,我根本不記得後來發生了什麼事。這是我截止目前為止最心力交瘁也是最難忘的一段經驗。

回到家以後,登頂的亢奮和激動持續了好幾天,我也不斷細細回味我的心路歷程。這段旅程在很多方面都意義非凡,對我來說,這是一段不同凡響的成長經驗,我也知道無論在生理上還是心理上,我都真正地挑戰了自己的極限。雖然我保持著運動的習慣已經很多年了,也累積了不少野外活動的經驗,我卻從來不覺得自己的體力好。或許是因為我小時候不常運動,所以思維還沒跟上,也或許是我身邊一堆運動健將,跟他們一比我簡直是弱不禁風。當我開始了解爬沙斯塔山意味著什麼時,我並不覺得我可以攻頂。從今年年初起,我花了很多心力鍛鍊身體,但是因為我的起點低,我有可能竭盡全力還是無法達到我想要的結果,所以我所有的投入和努力,都是要確保自己能問心無愧。在我們攻頂的當天,當我的鬧鐘半夜響起時,我覺得我在完全沒睡的情況下根本沒有機會成功。我們開始爬山之後,路上的一切——刺骨的寒風、紛飛的冰雪、零度以下的低溫、痛苦的高山症、一次又一次地摔倒——都不斷地磨蝕著我的意志力。整個過程艱苦卓絕,但是最後,我達到了我想要的結果。或許我的體能比我想像中的好,又或許我的意志力強大到足以彌補體力上的不足(或許兩者皆有)。沙斯塔山上有很多我害怕的事物:寒冷、冰雪、高海拔、變幻莫測的天氣,但是我直面了我的恐懼,而我為此感到驕傲。自信和力量是透過一次又一次面對自己的恐懼建立起來的——我知道當我每次這樣挑戰自己的極限時,我都會變得更加自信和強大。

最後,可靠的同伴對這種級別的戶外活動來說,絕對是不可或缺的——我無法用言語形容我對 Steve、Omar 和 Burch 的感恩。從我們在2015年第一次一起登上半穹頂開始,Steve 看著我成長了很多。他總是細心地照顧我,並且支持我的一切決定(即使有時候我有不少蠢主意)。雖然這次他沒有跟我一起登上沙斯塔山的山頂,他卻支持著我不斷地走下去。在我回到 Helen Lake 差點虛脫後,他確保我能夠平安下山。我認識 Omar 和 Burch 還不滿一年,對於那些知道我過去對選擇同伴有多謹慎挑剔的人來說,和剛認識不久的人一起挑戰這麼高難度的活動聽起來一點也不像我,但是一起攀岩幫助我們迅速建立了信任。我想,一切都是從我第一次去 Hicks Road 跟他們一起戶外攀岩開始的。當時 Burch 剛清理完一個保護點,因為我們體重的差距,我幫他拉繩的時候一不小心被拖進了水裡。水淹到了我的脖子,我一下子懵了,唯一還記得做的事就是右手死死地拉住繩子避免 Burch 墜落。在我等待救援時,Burch 自己牢牢地抓住了岩壁減輕我的壓力,Omar 把我從水中拉了出來並跟我換手。事後,雖然我心有餘悸,我們還是討論了當時的情況,以及以後該如何避免類似的意外發生。我想,從那時起,我就知道他們在野外不會丟下我不管。後來,我們常常一起攀岩,無論是在攀岩場還是在戶外,我都非常喜歡我們之間良好的氛圍。他們激勵著我不斷挑戰自己成為更好的攀岩者、一起研究路線、教我各種戶外攀岩的知識和技巧,也常常包容我犯的錯誤。在準備爬沙斯塔山時,他們不習慣我鉅細靡遺地計畫和蒐集資料,但是他們還是採納了我的部分建議,並促使我踏出我的舒適圈,學習如何順其自然,並對現場發生的事情做出反應(而不是事事都要靠計畫——我認為我們最後取得了一個不錯的平衡)。我感謝他們幫助我完成了一件我答應以前的朋友們的大事,我們也以自己的方式留下了屬於我們的特別回憶。好的攀岩和戶外同伴並不好找,而我很幸運,自從多年前我愛上戶外活動開始,身邊就一直有很好的夥伴。對此,我的心中充滿了感激,我也不斷地努力提升自已,成為他們的好夥伴,相信未來還有很多精彩的戶外冒險等著我們!