If I have to use a phrase to describe how 2023 has been going for me so far, it’s my obsession with climbing, running, hiking, and being active in general. I have always enjoyed these activities, but I don’t think I was ever as obsessed with them as I am now.
It is very interesting to see how my obsession has totally changed how I do these activities. I got obsessed with climbing last fall after I started to climb outside. Since then my climbing sessions in the gym changed completely. I only want to climb hard routes, and I would keep working on a route until I send it. I often find myself thinking about my projects and my moves even when I am not climbing. A lot of time I wake up in the morning from dreams about the climbs I did the night before.
I have been running for a long time, but my pace never really improved. I was fine with that since I have been adding distance over time, and that feels like progress. I got obsessed with becoming a faster runner recently when I met a competitive runner who pointed out all the things I can improve on and how much faster I can potentially run. That changed how I run. Instead of running long distance at a steady, slower speed, I have been trying to push for a faster pace with shorter intervals. I squeeze in shorter jogs during the week whenever I can to practice my form, and I have been running in conditions that I would never use to run in (ex. in the rain, in the dark, very early in the morning…etc.).
I think I became obsessed with how I hike when I decided to pick up Mt. Shasta again. It is an unfulfilled adventure with my Camping Crew. I thought I would never do it after everyone left the Bay Area, but now that I have another chance, I want to do everything I can to give myself the best shot to summit. In the past when I hiked, I would just walk. Sometimes I added extra weight when I need to train for a big hike, but nothing more than that. This year when I hike, I have been paying more attention to my posture, pushing for pace, and making sure I am in control when I go downhill instead of just hoping for the best.
My obsession drove the fastest progress I have ever seen in my activities. My progress turns around and fuels even more obsession — the better I get, the more I want to do them, and I am doing everything I can to stay active. For example, in the past, if I injured myself or got very sore from, say, a big hike, I would not move for several days until I felt no pain. Now if I am in pain, I stretch, ice, foam roll, and do everything I can to get the pain down to an acceptable level, and then I keep going. I am more mindful of what I eat, and I spend so much more time stretching and doing exercises at home. My obsession has really changed my lifestyle.
I am not used to the idea of myself being good at sports. Growing up, I have always thought sports are for people with talents, for those who are born strong, flexible, coordinated, and those who naturally run fast. I am clearly not one of them because I was always the slowest runner in school, I am clumsy, and I never had much strength. Even after I finished my first half marathon in 2021, I still didn’t consider myself to be good at running because adding distance is easy — I just have to spend more time and keep going, but running fast is hard, and I never run fast. It wasn’t until recently when I started to climb (and send) 5.11d’s and 5.12a’s in the gym did I start to think that maybe I can be good at sports if I practice enough, just like everything else I am good at. (Sounds simple, but somehow I just never thought of it before.) The dawning moment was when I was telling my climbing partner how I thought people who climb 5.11d and above are from Mars, and then I realized I just sent a 5.12a on lead earlier that day. Before I noticed it, my fingertips were already touching the cohort that I thought was impossible to reach. I thought of my middle school math teacher’s toast at our wedding reception last December. He still remembers that I scored 20% on my first math exam, and when I asked him how to improve, he told me to just practice more. So I did, even though I didn’t think I had talents for math. I did every problem set so many times that I basically memorized them. At first, it was very uncomfortable, but I made enormous progress in math quickly, and that took me very far in the next fifteen years. Athleticism still feels new to me, but if I am not trying to become a professional athlete, perhaps I don’t need talents — all I need is hard work and being willing to put myself through uncomfortable situations, whether that is taking a bad fall while climbing, feeling nauseous while running, or not being able to catch my breath while pushing for my hiking pace. For the first time in my life, I see hope and possibilities for breakthroughs — although I might not have talents, I surely know how to work hard and not give up.
I used to not like uncomfortable situations at all. I am scared of height, falling, physical pain, feeling unsafe, being out of breath, and I hate failures. After I became obsessed with my activities, my burning desire to get better at them triumphed over my fear — I am still scared, but my fear doesn’t stop me from going back and keep trying. For example, if I fall from a climb, I think about what I can learn from it and what I can do differently the next time, and then I go back and try it again. There was once when I was working on a lead 5.11d, my leg got caught by the rope when I fell. I flipped, fell upside down, and got really bad rope burns and bruises on my neck, left arm, and left leg. If this had been six months ago, I probably would never have touched that route again, but now that I have this crazy obsession, I debriefed with my climbing partner, thought through what went wrong and how to avoid it the next time, and I went back and tried it again until I sent it.
I also started to notice that in order to keep improving, I need to put more thoughts into what I do. I can’t just go on autopilot and hope for the best — practicing blindly and brutal force can only get me so far. For climbing, it’s thinking about my beta and being more precise with harder routes. For example, before I was able to send my first 5.12a on top rope, I tried a lot of different things to find the beta that worked the best for me. I basically had the whole sequence memorized, and by the end, it was down to cutting two moves in the early part of the route to conserve energy for a hard move at the crux. For running, it’s holding the right posture and paying attention to my strides, especially when I am out of breath. I stopped listening to music when I run so I can listen to my steps and focus on how I run. For hiking, it’s about using the most energy-efficient way to go uphill and staying in control with my core while going downhill. (This takes a lot of discipline because I get distracted easily by the scenery when I hike.)
I have to admit that sometimes I feel scared about my obsession. I don’t remember when was the last time I got this obsessed with something, and it is a very unfamiliar feeling. I feel like there is constantly a fire burning in me and driving me to do more. I am extremely thirsty for progress, and the more progress I make, the more thirsty I get — it is addictive and consuming me. I often wonder if my mind is pushing my body to do more than what it can physically handle, but I cannot stop it. Although this scares me sometimes because I feel like I cannot fully control my mind, I am learning to ride with the tide and see what happens. Right now I am the strongest I have ever been in my whole life, both physically and mentally, and I really like feeling strong. (I even feel like if I have a permit to the Half Dome cables, I am probably fit enough to hike it again right now.) I have seen people really shine when they do things they are very passionate about — my dad running ultra marathons, my mom baking, my brother free diving, Steve planting, Matthijs and Jana brewing, Callisto working out, Felix dancing, Omar and Burch climbing, Addib running, and so many more — what I see in them inspires me and touches me deeply, and I love seeing the sparks in their eyes. I am not sure if they all feel the same kind of obsession I do, but I want to shine like them. I don’t know where my obsession is going to take me, but I hope eventually it will make me a better and stronger person.
I am truly thankful for the experience, and most importantly, for those who keep me company on this incredible journey.
到目前為止，如果要用一句話概括我的2023年，那大概就是我對攀岩、跑步、登山的狂熱了。（講直白一點，可能有些走火入魔了。）我一向很喜歡這些活動，但是從未像如今一般無法自拔。
我發現這股狂熱徹底改變了我從事這些活動的方式。從去年秋天開始戶外攀岩後，我對攀岩越來越癡迷，這徹底顛覆了我在攀岩場的練習模式。現在我只想嘗試難度在我的極限邊緣的路線，我也會反覆地練習同一條路線直到我能乾淨利落地一次完成為止。我發現即使我不在攀岩場，我的思緒時常不知不覺地就飄向了我在練習的路線或動作。早晨夢醒時分，腦海中殘留的也常常是前一晚攀岩的路線。
我有好幾年的跑步資歷了，但是我跑不快。以前我總覺得這沒關係，以為我不斷地拉長我跑步的距離，所以即使跑不快，我還是覺得自己在進步。前一陣子認識了一位賽跑的朋友，他帶著我跑了一次，點出了很多我可以改正、進步的地方。我發現我有可能可以跑得比自己想像中的快，從那之後，我開始執著於提升自己的速度。這徹底改變了我跑步的方式，我不再一次慢慢地跑十幾二十公里，而是開始速度較快的間歇性訓練。我在忙碌的工作之餘，還是儘可能地擠出時間跑個兩三公里練習我的跑步姿勢。以前我只喜歡在天氣晴朗時跑步，現在為了利用瑣碎時間，無論是雨天、天亮以前，或是天黑以後，我都可以跑了。
我想我應該是在再次決定嘗試攻頂沙斯塔山之後，就開始對登山充滿執念。這是我和史丹佛的朋友們一個未竟的心願。在大家搬離灣區之後，我原本以為我這輩子都不會有機緣登上沙斯塔山。現在我有了另一次機會，我無論如何都要努力做好準備，讓自己有最大的把握登頂。以前登山時，我基本上只是往前走而已。從今年開始，我登山時更加注意我的姿勢、加快我的步伐，並確保我在下坡時能控制好自己的身體和腳步，而不是像以前一樣聽天由命。
我對這些活動的狂熱讓我取得了這輩子最快速的進步，而我的進步又反過來為我的狂熱添柴加火——當我表現越好時，我越想繼續。我現在總是竭盡所能地讓我的身體保持活躍。比方說，以前我若是受傷或是在劇烈運動後肌肉痠痛，我基本上會好幾天不動，直到我不再感到疼痛為止。現在我會冰敷、拉伸、儘可能地把疼痛控制在可以忍受的範圍之內，然後繼續運動。我比以前更注重飲食，也花更多時間在家做各種伸展運動。我對這些活動的癡迷，很大程度地改變了我的生活型態。
我到現在都還沒有完全接受自己居然能擅長運動。從小到大，我總覺得體育是留給有天賦的人的——那些天生強壯、柔韌性好、平衡感佳，還有那些天生跑得快的人。我從來不是其中的一員，因為在學校時我總是跑得最慢的一個，我協調性不好，連走路都常跌倒，我也不是特別強壯。即使2021年我跑完了一場半馬，我也不覺得自己擅長跑步，因為對我來說，拉長距離很容易，只要投入時間重複做一件事就行，但是跑得快很困難，而我從來跑不快。直到最近我在攀岩場開始嘗試 5.11d 和 5.12a，甚至更難的路線後，我才慢慢開始覺得，如果練習足夠的話，說不定我也有機會成為運動健將，就像所有其他我擅長的事一樣。（道理很簡單，但是不知為何，我以前就是沒有想到。）我記得有一天我在和我的先鋒夥伴聊天，我告訴他我一直覺得在攀岩場爬 5.11d 或更難路線的都是火星來的牛人，然後我意識到自己當天稍早才一次完成了一條先鋒 5.12a。在我自己發覺以前，我的指尖已經觸碰到了那個我曾經認為遙不可及的族群。那一刻有如醍醐灌頂。我想起了戴老師去年十二月在我們歸寧宴上的致詞，他還記得我國中第一次數學段考考了二十分。我問他該如何進步時，他除了「把講義裡的每一道習題都做到爛掉」之外，就沒有什麼其他的建議了。於是我照辦了，即使我並不覺得自己在數學方面有天賦，我還是把講義上的每一道題都做得滾瓜爛熟。一開始的過程並不愉快，但是我的數學的確在短時間內突飛猛進，為我接下來十五年的學業和事業打下堅實的基礎。體育對我來說還是一個陌生的領域，但如果我的目標不是成為專業的運動員的話，或許我並不需要天賦，我只需要努力，並且願意吃苦，無論是攀岩時墜落、跑步時想吐，還是爬山爬到喘不過氣。我這輩子第一次看到了突破的希望——雖然我沒有天賦，但是我知道該如何努力和不放棄。
以前我一點都不喜歡那些讓我不舒服的情況。我怕高、怕墜落、怕痛、怕感到不安全、怕喘不過氣、怕失敗。當我開始沉迷與我的活動之後，我體內熊熊燃燒的鬥志似乎壓倒了我的恐懼。我還是會害怕不舒服的情況，但是那阻止不了我回去繼續嘗試。比方說，如果我在攀岩時墜落了，我會反省到底哪裡出了錯、下次該記取哪些教訓，然後回去再試一次。有一次我在嘗試先鋒一條 5.11d 時，墜落的過程中左腿被繩子絆到，造成我頭下腳上地摔落，脖子、左臂、左腿都被繩子擦傷了。半年前的我，大概一輩子都不會再去碰那條路線，但是這次我和我的夥伴討論了該如何修改動作避免類似的意外發生，然後我強壓著恐懼回去反覆練習，直到我順利一次完成這條路線。我想，我一輩子都不會忘記這次經驗。
我還注意到，如果我想持續進步，我就必須多動腦。我不能頭腦放空地盲目練習，因為如此一來只會事倍功半。以攀岩來說，那就是多思考我的動作，讓自己對困難路線的嘗試更加精準有效率。比方說，我第一次成功地一次完成頂繩 5.12a 時，靠的是不斷嘗試不同的方法、優化一系列的動作，最後的關鍵是我在路線剛開始時減少了兩個動作，為後面最困難的部分保留了足夠的體力。以跑步來說，那是無時無刻都要提醒自己保持正確的姿勢、注意自己的步幅，即使喘不過氣了也不能鬆懈。我跑步時不再聽音樂，因為我需要仔細聆聽自己的腳步聲，確保我沒有拖鞋皮。以登山來說，那是如何用最省力的方式上坡，並在下坡時運用核心肌群控制自己的身體和腳步。（這需要很大的自制力，因為爬山時我總是容易被美麗的風景分散注意力。）
我必須承認，有時候我會對這種狂熱感到害怕，因為這對我來說是一種陌生的感覺——我似乎從未如此醉心於其他事物。我體內彷彿總是有一股瘋狂燃燒的烈焰，驅動著我不斷地向前。我極度渴望進步，而我進步越多，對進步就越饑渴，我常常覺得我要被這種令人上癮的感覺吞噬了。有時候，我會懷疑我的意志是不是在強迫我的身體做超出我能負荷的事，但是我停不下來。我害怕這種無法完全控制自己的感覺，但是我開始嘗試順其自然。我這輩子無論在身體上還是精神上，都從來沒有像現在如此強壯，而我非常喜歡這種強壯的感覺。（有時候我甚至覺得，如果我有半穹頂鋼纜的許可，我現在就可以再上去一次。）我見過許多人在全心投入他們熱愛的事物時，他們全身上下閃耀著的璀璨光芒，比方說爸爸的超級馬拉松、媽媽的烘焙、曉彤的自由潛水、Steve 的蒔花弄草、Matthijs 和 Jana 的釀酒、Callisto 的各種運動、Felix 的舞蹈、Omar 和 Burch 的攀岩、Addib 的跑步。他們的專注和熱情深深地打動了我，我喜歡看見他們眼底的光芒。我不知道他們是否也曾經感到像我一樣（幾乎有些病態的）狂熱，但是我也想像他們一樣發光。我不知道這份狂熱會將我帶向何方，但是我希望我能因此而成為一個更好更強壯的人。
我感謝這段特別的經驗，更重要的是，感謝那些陪我一路走來的人。