Ever since I started to climb hard last fall, I have been suffering from all kinds of injuries, big and small. The worst one happened at the end of April. When I was trying a move on a boulder problem in Castle Rock, my foot slipped and I shock-loaded my left shoulder, which was already injured a few weeks ago. I heard two rapid pops and three cracks from my left shoulder, and my mind went blank. I don’t really remember what happened after that.
I did not grow up active, so I am not used to having sports injuries (and I am not good with injury prevention at all). While I have hurt my lower back and my knees multiple times, nothing was as severe as my new shoulder injury. The first night after I got injured, I woke up three times to put ice on my shoulder. It was the first time in my life that I was woken up by pain in the middle of the night. The next day, I went for a run and watched my friends’ soccer game as if nothing had happened. I was clearly in denial, but in fact my shoulder hurt with everything I did — running, cooking, driving, twisting a towel, doing dishes, opening a jar, and pretty much anything that required me to move my left arm. I was basically dysfunctional. The week after I got injured, I went mountaineering in Tahoe to prepare for Mt. Shasta, and everything I did hurt so badly. I began to wonder whether I could make it to Mt. Shasta at the end of May, and an even scarier thought came to mind — what if I can never climb again?
It turns out that I could not live with that thought. The flame that has been burning inside me since last year was still roaring, pushing me to climb harder and climb better. Even a slowdown in my momentum and progress was agonizing, not to mention not being able to climb for the rest of my life. After the initial shock and fluster, I started to view my shoulder injury as a problem that I have to solve so that I don’t get burnt to death by my internal flame, just like all other problems I have to solve in my life. I could not solve this problem on my own, so I turned to physical therapy. I had mixed experiences with physical therapy in the past. At Stanford, physical therapy helped me manage my lower back pain (despite two incorrect diagnoses). However, when I did physical therapy for my first shoulder injury earlier this year, it did not work because the physical therapist did not understand climbing. It created a lot of frustration and confusion. This time I asked a trusted climbing friend Laura for recommendation. I was not sure if it would work, but I wanted to give myself the best chance to recover and start climbing again.
Injuries always happen within a snap, yet recovery takes forever. Rehabilitation is a slow process, but it at least gave me something to work on. It makes me feel like I am doing something to solve my problem instead of just sitting and panicking. In May, I talked to my friend Ari, a trail runner who injured his legs and was also going through physical therapy. We mourned over our injuries, and I told him about my fear. “Physical therapy works.” He said to me, “You just need to make sure you do those assigned exercises every day. It takes a lot of discipline and consistency, and you have both. You make things happen.” That really calmed my unsettled mind. Although I don’t have confidence in myself when it comes to anything related to athletics, discipline and consistency are skills not specific to sports, and I know I am good at them. I just need to channel them to address my injury, and that was exactly what I did after Ari helped me clear my head.
My rehabilitation really changed my routine and how I climb. I started to climb again two or three weeks after I got injured. I spend a lot of time doing my rehab exercises at home even before I hit the gym. When I climb, I no longer “warm up” on 5.11b’s. Instead, I make sure I warm up properly on easy routes and finish all my assigned drills before I hop on anything I actually want to climb. I am physically incapable of pushing for grades the way I used to, but I realized that although I was projecting 5.12a’s before I got injured, I can’t necessarily climb a 5.10a perfectly. When I started to pay more attention to my warm-up routes, I noticed so many little things I can improve on: footwork, balance, body positioning, efficiency, endurance …etc. This was a very humbling experience, and it reminded me of many things I love about climbing that I overlooked when I was so focused on pushing for grades. I no longer feel restless when I climb easier routes, and I try to use this as an opportunity to learn more about my body.
Other than the physical pain, my mental strength took a huge hit from the injury. (To some extent, the mental hit is much worse than the physical pain.) I still show up at the Peak two to three times a week as the jolly climber that I have always been (or at least I try to), but I am in my head a lot more. I am incredibly thankful for those who are still willing to climb with me even though I am not climbing the same anymore, but in the back of my mind I always wonder at what point will I fall so far behind that I can no longer climb with the same group. I get upset whenever I find out I can no longer climb a route that I used to be able to do. Furthermore, I hesitate a lot more when I climb, especially with moves that involve my left shoulder. I also second guess myself a lot more, and I often worry if my foot will slip again, or something else might go wrong and I might shock load my shoulder. When I chicken out of a move, I don’t always know if it is because there is an actual risk to my injury, or because I am just scared. I am not sure how to overcome this, other than actually recovering and getting stronger so that I can rebuild my confidence. I don’t know how long this “mental rehab” will take, as I can’t track it the same way I track my physical therapy, but I try to remind myself of every notable progress I have made since the end of April — I hope I will be able to feel strong and confident one day and start pushing my limits again.
In spite of all my hesitation and how my injury has impacted my daily activities, I decided to stick to all the plans I have already made unless my shoulder is physically incapable of performing an activity. I still went to Mt. Shasta in May. It was an incredible experience and I have absolutely no regrets, but I did pay for it handsomely afterward — my heavy backpack and the summit push really strained my shoulders, and it took almost two weeks for the incremental pain to go away. I didn’t feel comfortable climbing outside for a while because I lost a lot of confidence, and I know I over-grip a lot outside. However, I still want to learn trad climbing, so I went to Berkeley with Burch in June to practice building anchors and placing gears. I didn’t do any hard climbing, but at least I was still learning something new. I had planned to go to Colorado at the end of June to climb Edge of Time with Omar and Sean. Omar asked me a few times whether my shoulder would be okay for Colorado when he saw my shoulder bother me. I always dodged the question because I was too scared of the possibility of a “no.” A few days before our trip, I still did not know if my shoulder was ready, but I decided to go anyways. It turned out to be a great decision — not only because it was a really fun trip, but also because it reminded me of everything I love about outdoor climbing, and why I did not give up on climbing after I got injured (over and over again). I was nowhere near my 100% in Colorado, but I absolutely love the mountains, the scenery, lead climbing (easy routes) outside, trying different moves on the rocks, and the feeling when I finally made it to the top of a route. Edge of Time was such an incredible route, and it brought back all the thrill and joy that I have been missing since the end of April.
Climbing in Colorado brought back courage and joy.
I had been feeling lost and scared for two months, but our Colorado trip brought me courage. Perhaps it is because Colorado is my first big destination climb, and I feel like I can finally call myself a committed climber after I flew out to somewhere just to climb. After I came back, I started to lead harder routes and project boulder problems again at the Peak. (I was never good at bouldering, and since I got injured bouldering outside, I feel traumatized by bouldering.) I know I still have a lot of limitations, but I still want to push myself — hopefully in a smarter way this time. Through physical therapy, I have been learning more about different muscles and joints, and I try to be mindful about what muscle(s) I engage whenever possible, especially whenever there is a risk to my left shoulder. I try to read the routes a little better so that I can anticipate where I might need to climb differently (to avoid loading my left shoulder), or when I might need to give up. (I still have a lot of room for improvement when it comes to route reading.) I try to apply the footwork and body positioning techniques I have been practicing on my easier rehab climbs to the harder routes I am working on. I stick to my physical therapy routine and make sure I always take a rest day between my climbing days. I spend more time thinking about climbing than I ever did (since there is no limitation to thinking, unlike physically climbing for me). I am not where I want to be yet, and my progress is not linear — for example, while my shoulder has been getting better, recently my fingers got irritated because they have been compensating for my shoulder, which further limits my climbing. Thankfully, I can still see myself improving. Most importantly, I was in despair at the end of April, but now I see hope, and I still have a lot of drive to become a better climber. Rehab is not easy for me, both physically and mentally, but I am taking this as a learning opportunity because I want to come back stronger and better. I am not sure what the final outcome will be, but I am going to keep working towards my goal until I get there (or until an absolutely impassable obstacle stops me.) This fall, I hope I can climb outside the way I did last fall.
(Lots of solitude in the past few months. Many thanks to those who have helped me along the way.)
自從去年秋天開始加強攀岩力度後，我就飽受大大小小的運動傷害所苦。最嚴重的一次發生在今年四月底，我在城堡岩抱石時不慎傷了左肩的旋轉肌。我的左肩年初時已經受過一次傷了，當時尚未完全痊癒，我在抱石時腳滑了一下，左肩霎時承載了全身的重量，我聽見了左肩傳來兩次急促的喀喀聲和三次爆豆般的聲響，我的大腦頓時一片空白。我不記得那天後來發生了什麼事。
我小時候不愛運動，所以對運動傷害經驗不足，也理所當然地不擅長預防傷害。雖然我的腰和膝蓋受過好幾次傷，但是從來沒有像這次的肩傷這麼嚴重。受傷當天晚上，我這輩子第一次半夜被痛醒。我醒來了三次，每次都是冷汗淋漓地摸到冰箱裡找冰袋冰敷我的肩膀。第二天早上，我粉飾太平地出門跑了六公里多，順便看了朋友的足球賽，好像什麼事都沒發生。顯然我不想面對受傷的事實，但是不論我做任何事——跑步、做飯、開車、擰毛巾、洗碗、開罐、打字——幾乎所有需要用到左臂的動作都令我的左肩劇痛難忍，我基本上像是位殘障人士了。受傷後的一個禮拜，我去了太浩湖學習冬季登山，為沙斯塔山作準備。所有的動作都讓我痛得滿頭大汗，我開始懷疑我究竟能不能在五月底攀登沙斯塔山。同時，一個更可怕的想法在我心底升起——我會不會這輩子都不能攀岩了？
後來事實證明我無法忍受這個想法。去年底開始在我體內熊熊燃燒的烈焰依舊熾盛，我還是極度渴望進步，就連放慢步調都讓我難以忍受，更遑論餘生都無法攀岩了。在一開始的震驚和慌亂過後，我開始視我的肩傷為一個我需要解決的問題，免得我被自己對進步的渴求燒成灰燼，就像我生命中所有其他需要解決的問題一樣。我無法完全靠自己解決這個問題，所以我開始了物理治療。我過去物理治療的經驗有好有壞，在研究所時，物理治療（在經過兩次誤診後）幫助我改善了腰痛，但是年初我的肩膀第一次受傷時，物理治療卻效果不彰。或許是因為我的物理治療師不了解攀岩，所以整個療程都讓我感到十分困惑和挫敗。這次我攀岩的朋友 Laura 向我推薦了她的物理治療師，我不確定這次物理治療能不能達到我想要的效果，但是我希望能給自己最大的機會康復，並重新開始攀岩。
俗話說：「病來如山倒，病去如抽絲。」運動傷害也一樣。物理治療和復健是個緩慢的過程，但至少它讓我有了目標、讓我感覺自己在努力解決我的問題，而不是待在原地束手無策。五月初，我和研究所的朋友 Ari 聊天，他很喜歡越野長跑，但是前一陣子腿部受傷，現在也在做復健。我們聊起了各自的傷病，頗有物傷其類之感。我提起了我內心深處的恐懼和迷茫，他卻堅定地對我說：「只要你每天按時完成指定的訓練，物理治療是很有效的。這需要很強的自律和毅力，而妳兩樣都不缺。」或許是因為 Ari 認識我快十年了，一路看著我成長，他這番話讓我慌亂的心安定了不少。雖然我對所有體育相關的事情都沒什麼自信，但是自律和毅力並不侷限於體育，通過我生活中其他方面的表現，我知道這兩樣都是我的強項，我只需要好好運用它們解決我的問題。在 Ari 幫助我釐清思緒之後，這正是我開始努力的方向。
復健改變了我的作息和攀岩方式。在我受傷兩三週之後，我嘗試重新開始攀岩。現在我去攀岩場之前，都會先花不少時間在家做復健。我不再像以前一樣直接從 5.11b 開始「暖身」，而是踏踏實實地從簡單的路線開始，並確保我在完成所有應該完成的復健訓練之後，才開始嘗試比較困難的路線。我無法像以前一樣一味追求難度，但是在被迫降低攀岩強度之後，我發現雖然受傷前我能衝擊 5.12a，但是我卻不一定能毫無瑕疵地完成一條 5.10a。當我開始專注於那些簡單的暖身線時，我發現許多我能改進的小地方：步法、平衡、姿勢、效率、耐力……等等。這讓我深深意識到自己的不足，也喚醒了許多我熱愛攀岩的原因，這些都是我只專注於難度時所忽略的。當我攀爬簡單的路線時，我不再像一開始一樣焦躁不安，我也藉著機會，更深入地了解自己的身體。
除了生理上的疼痛之外，我在心理上也受到了沉重的打擊。（就某種程度而言，心理上的打擊比生理上的傷勢更加難受。）我還是每週去攀岩場報到兩三次，每次都還是那副開心又充滿活力的模樣（至少我嘗試如此），但是我常常不知不覺就陷入了沉思、脫離了群眾。我非常感謝感謝現在還在跟我一起攀岩的人，但是心底深處我總在納悶，我的進度越落後越多，什麼時候我會被遠遠地甩開，和同一群人再也攀不到一塊兒去呢？每當我發現我再也無法完成受傷前能完成的路線時，我總是十分沮喪。更甚者，我現在攀岩時遠比以前更為猶疑不定、更容易裹足不前，尤其是任何需要用到左肩的動作。我更常懷疑自己，擔心我的腳會不會又滑，或是又發生什麼意料之外的狀況，導致我的肩膀再度受傷。當我退縮時，我總是無法確定究竟是因為我的肩傷確實有加重的風險，還是我一朝被蛇咬，十年怕井繩。我不知道該如何克服我的心理障礙，或許我只能繼續努力復健、讓自己變得更強壯，然後再慢慢重建我的信心吧！我也不知道這種「心理復健」需要多少時間，因為我畢竟無法像追蹤物理治療的進展一樣追蹤我的心理狀態，但是我總是盡量提醒自己我從四月底以來取得的每一個小進步——希望有一天我能夠再度感到強壯和自信，並重新開始挑戰自己的極限。
雖然傷勢影響了我的日常活動，也讓我變得瞻前顧後，但是我還是決定堅持所有既定的戶外計畫，除非我的左肩真的無法承受特定的活動。五月底，我還是去爬了沙斯塔山。那是一次難忘又珍貴的經歷，我也完全不後悔我的決定，但是我也因此付出了代價——沉重的背包和最後的攻頂都對我的肩膀造成了巨大的負擔。下山之後，我的左肩的疼痛加劇了，花了兩個多禮拜才回到沙斯塔山前的水準。我有好一陣子沒去戶外攀岩，因為我對自己喪失了不少信心，我在戶外也總是因為緊張而過度用力、對我的肩膀造成額外的負擔。但是我還是想學傳統攀岩，所以我六月和 Burch 一起去柏克萊練習架設保護裝置和固定點。我沒有攀爬任何有難度的路線，但是至少我還是繼續學習。在受傷之前，我已經計畫六月底要去科羅拉多跟 Omar 和 Sean 一起攀登一條名為「時光邊緣」經典路線。受傷之後，Omar 問了我幾次我的肩膀有沒有辦法應付我們的科羅拉多之行，我每次都目光閃爍地敷衍他，因為我心底深處非常害怕答案是「沒有辦法。」我們出發前幾天，我還是無法確定我的左肩是否可以應付科羅拉多的攀岩強度，但我還是決定去了。事後證明這是個正確的決定，不只是因為旅程本身非常充實有趣，也因為它讓我想起了我一開始是怎麼愛上戶外攀岩的，以及為什麼我在反覆受傷之後，依然沒有放棄攀岩。在科羅拉多時，我還遠遠沒有回到百分之百的狀態，但是我愛極了科州的群山和美景、先鋒攀爬不困難的戶外路線、在戶外的岩石上嘗試各種不同的動作，以及在完成一條路線後的胸懷大暢。「時光邊緣」是一條很特別的路線，它帶回了久違的振奮和喜悅。
在充滿了迷茫和恐懼的兩個月後，科羅拉多終於為我帶來了一些勇氣和安定。或許是因為這是我第一次真正的目的地攀岩——當我飛到另外一個州純粹只為了攀岩時，我終於覺得自己像個真正的攀岩者了。回來之後，我在攀岩場裡又開始先鋒比較困難的路線和嘗試抱石了（我本來就不擅長抱石，又是在戶外抱石時受的傷，所以之前一直對抱石有心理陰影。）我知道我的傷勢對我的攀岩還是有諸多限制，但是我還是想要繼續嘗試拓展自己的極限（不過希望能以更聰明的方式，讓自己不要那麼輕易受傷）。透過物理治療，我比較系統性地認識了身體各個部位的肌肉和關節，加強特定部位的訓練，我在攀岩時也開始盡量注意使用我的肌肉，尤其是任何會對我的左肩造成風險的動作。我花更多時間判讀路線，預判我在哪些地方可能需要調整攀岩的方式避免過度使用左肩，或是我什麼時候可能需要放棄。（在判讀路線方面，我還有非常大的進步空間。）我也嘗試將我在復健時練習的步法和技巧運用在比較困難的路線上。我嚴格遵守我的復健時間表，並確保我每次攀岩之後一定要休息一天。雖然我的身體受傷勢所限，但是我的頭腦沒有任何限制，所以我花了比以往更多的時間思考攀岩。我還沒有恢復到受傷前的水平，復健的過程也非一帆風順——比方說，雖然我的肩膀慢慢地在復原，最近我的手指卻一直在代償我的肩膀，有二次傷害的風險。但是我看見了進展，更重要的是，四月底我還絕望不已，但是現在我有了希望，也還有動力成為更好的攀岩者。無論是生理上還是心理上，復健都不是一個簡單的過程，但是我把它當成是一個學習機會，因為我希望在復原後能比以前更好更強壯。我不知道最後的結果會是如何，但是我還是會繼續努力，直到達成目標（除非我碰上完全無法踰越的障礙，不得不放棄）。今年秋天，我希望我還能像去年秋天一樣地戶外攀岩。
（過去幾個月充滿著與自己的孤獨對話。謝謝所有一路上支持我的人。）
