Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.
Rafiki, The Lion King
Back in Evanston. I am sitting in front of my French window, looking at the glittering lake and listening to the music with which my heart has been beating in the past week. Just like my spring trip, this ASB winter trip to DC turned out to be one of the best weeks in my life: a charming city, a group of wonderful people, and an amazing journey. In the past week, everyone on my trip shone so beautifully in so many different ways. Now when I close my eyes, I can see the sparkles they left in my life. I guess my favorite part about ASB is to meet people and to see what wonders they have brought to the world: courage, intelligence, humor, kindness, diligence, motivation, passion, cheerfulness, and many, many other virtues. While I am looking at the lake and going through the small dose of emptiness I always experience after any event, the joyful moments we spent together warm my heart in the freezing Chicago winter. I am so grateful that these people walked into my life, just like all the other miracles life has granted me. This ASB trip ended my fall quarter so beautifully, and I know I am not going to be lonely in Evanston in the coming week because my ASBuddies will be with me in my heart.
Last time I sat in front of this window was four months ago, when I was listening to the rain tapping on the window, trying to write my first blog in English. Now I am looking through this window again, and so much has changed: the sunshine no longer feels warm, the trees have withered, the houses are covered with snow, and as a person, I know I am a little different from four months ago. It is probably because I finally overcame the struggles I have been trying to go through in the summer. After all, it is my choice to run away from the past or to learn from it, and Fall Quarter was just a good time to make the right decision.
Fall Quarter was great. Junior year is definitely very different from freshman and sophomore year. Everyone is getting a lot busier and taking life much more seriously. In the past quarter, with my class schedule and all my other commitments, I barely saw anyone outside of classes, lab, or dorm. I noticed that if I wanted to see my friends, I would really have to make an effort, and I did. I tried to walk a little more or plan out my time better so that I could spend some more time with my friends. In my sophomore year, I still occasionally see my friends around in classes, and I didn’t feel the need to take an extra step to see them. Although my friends seemed to still be around, I didn’t really spend quality time with them. In the past three month, when I actively made efforts to meet up with them, I realized how much I missed out last year. The time I spent with my friends in the past quarter really brought me back to freshman year, when I saw nothing but the beauty of life. Yes, everyone has changed a lot in the past two years, but whenever I was with them, I felt as if everything was still the same as when we first met. Our different experience in college made us different, but within them I still see the same goodness that I appreciate, and in their eyes I still see the same light shining. Those Friday nights we spent together, our meal time and Thanksgiving break made me feel like a freshman again—after all the struggles and homesickness in my sophomore year, I finally came back to the point where I can fully appreciate life.
Aside from friends, classes have always been an important aspect for me in college. Before the quarter begins, I was really afraid of physical chemistry and Chem-350 because people had been telling me how difficult they were and how much time they took. After this quarter, I understood that this was just another example of how no matter what others tell you about something, you would not fully understand it until you actually experience it yourself. Yes, these classes were difficult and time-consuming, but they were not as bad as I thought they would be. I did struggle a lot with Chem-350, and sometimes I doubted whether the amount of knowledge I gained justified the amount of time I spent. Looking back, however, I did learn a lot from this class. Besides technical knowledge, I started to understand what “hardworking” means. In the first two years of college, I thought I was relatively hardworking compared to most people around me. In the past three months, however, I realized that there is no such thing as “relatively”: no matter how hard I work comparing to others, there is always more I can do. The only person I should be comparing with is myself and not anyone else. Working hard is not only about sitting in front of my desk and doing homework or studying for a long period of time, but it is also about planning time wisely, being efficient, always trying to be ahead of the plan in case something unexpected happens, and most importantly, concentration. Concentration has always been the most difficult part. After working for a certain amount of time, it gets difficult to focus. Also, with the number of my outside commitments increases, I get distracted more easily. In the past quarter, I noticed that since Chem-350 required so much time and effort, I learned to control my mind and direct my attention better. I believe that my mind can be trained so that I will behave the way I want myself to be, and Chem-350 proves itself to be a good opportunity for me to do so. I still have two more quarters of p-chem and Chem-350 to go. I know it is going to be a hard year, but I look forward to seeing how my training will turn out by the end of the year.
While I am trying to train myself to focus more on classes, there is one place where I know I can be completed concentrated while I work: the Meade Lab. I have been saying so many great things about my lab that I think I am running short of words. I really love the lifestyle that my lab has been teaching me, and I could never describe how amazing it feels when there is only one thing on my mind when I am working. My lab is where I can be in the moment completely and not worry about anything else in life; it is where I think about nothing but the things I am working on at the moment. I enjoy being around smart people in my lab and constantly being inspired. In the past year and a half, my lab has brought me endless joy and sense of accomplishment. When I am in my lab, I know I am always achieving something in my life. My publication in November is not the end of a project. It is a new start: now that our research is recognized, I am ready to move on to a new stage.
Another thing I have been trying to do in the past quarter is stepping out. When I came to Northwestern two years ago, I knew I took a big step in life. In the past two years, I have been working on building up my academic foundation and trying out different things to find my niche. Once I felt relatively comfortable with myself at Northwestern (yet still a fob :)), I wanted to push myself forward a little bit. Going to the Buffett Center was a great start. At the beginning of the quarter, I happened to hear about Scott Carney’s “Red Market,” which sounded really interesting. I didn’t have much to do that night, so I thought I would go since the Buffett Center was two minutes away from where I lived. It turned out to be one of the best things I did in the past quarter. The talk really opened up my eyes: I realized how little I knew about the world around me, and I was really impressed with Scott Carney’s passion for the truth and for his career. After this talk, I marked my calendar with all the Buffett Center talks and I tried to go to as many of them as possible.
In the past three months, I have learned so many things about the world that I would never have learned in classes: the Red Market, US and Turkey relationships, Muslim cultures, translation populations, topics on foreign aids, and global arms trade. I remembered when I first came to Northwestern, I often felt ignorant when I am around people because I had no idea what they are talking about. This really bothered me because I was used to being a knowledgeable person back home. I tried to change it, but I could not do it fast because during school year, I barely had time to read English news, not to mention English books outside of class. I usually tried to catch up with pleasure reading during breaks, but I always felt so powerless once school started. The Buffett Center has made me feel a lot better in this situation. I usually spent an hour or two every week (often meal time, which I am willing to sacrifice a little) sitting there and listening to great people talking about how the world challenged them and how they tried to make a difference. As a chemistry major, I know my path is going to get narrower and narrower as I keep on pursuing more chemistry. I probably won’t have much chance to learn about international relationships, social policies, politics, economics, and all the different aspects of the world outside of chemistry, so this is the chance for me to learn and get inspired. All the Buffett Center speakers are very intelligent, brave, and motivated people, and they always inspire me to think about what I want to do with my life: I love chemistry, but what should I do so that I don’t limit myself to benchwork? I know there is a lot I can do with chemistry, it is just a matter of whether I want to stay comfortably in a research lab or try to do something different when I have the opportunity. So far the Buffett Center has been a really great experience. It has been opening up new windows to the world for me. With more and more work coming up, I am not sure how much longer I can continue going, but I know I will always try to make time for the Buffett Center.
Fog starts to blur the glitter of the lake, making the scene outside of my window look surreal. I am sitting here alone feeling surreal too. I don’t remember when was the last time I was alone. In the past quarter, I have always been around a lot of people, but this small dose of loneliness and emptiness is pleasantly welcomed. After a quarter of joy and excitement, I finally sat down and thought through what I have learned and achieved in the past three months. I let the faces of my friends go through my mind one by one to remind me of the light they have brought to my life, and I refilled my mind with peace and appreciation.
In the past quarter, I finally stopped trying to run away from the past and started to actually learn from it to make my life better. I had a lot of fun in classes and in my lab. I spent great time with friends that I love but didn’t get to hang out much last year, and I met a lot of amazing new friends. Also, I finally spoke out the most important goal of my life on my ASB trip, and I think once I said it out loud, I will be more motivated to achieve it. I guess this is just another ASB magic. (I don’t think I ever mentioned it to people except for my parents because I am afraid that people will laugh at me. However, when we were playing hot seat in the van on the last day, it just came out so naturally when people asked me what my goal is. I started to talk about it before I could stop myself, but strangely enough, I didn’t feel awkward at all. Instead, I felt relieved because I could finally say it out loud, and for me, it is always easier to achieve a goal when I say it out or write it down. I want to be a good person: I want to be disciplined, responsible, and intelligent. I want my presence to be a pleasant thing, and I want people to smile and feel warm when they think of me. I know I will be happy as long as I am a good person, no matter where I am, what my job is, how much money I make, or whether I am married or single.) With all the great things going on in college, what else can I ask for from life? At this point, I really don’t lack anything.
Ps. This is my second attempt trying to write in English. I know I still don’t have the best control of the language, but I really want to have a full personality when I am speaking or writing English. I believe every language has a soul, and once I can feel that soul, that language will become the sound of my heart. In the past, Chinese has always been surging in my vein and my heart beats with the language. Now I am trying to see if I can feel the soul of English and let it echo with my mind. I guess I am just trying to keep the wonders of life by writing them down so that they don’t fade away with time. Whenever I am lost in the darkness, I can always go back to those bright moments in life by reading my own words. This way I will always be able to open new windows for myself, no matter where I am.